


Instantly

by hyAdamsFoster



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: F/F, adamsfoster
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-01 09:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 56,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyAdamsFoster/pseuds/hyAdamsFoster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lena Adams is a young administrator at a local San Diego charter school. Stef Foster is a mom who has recently separated from her husband. This is my attempt to show how Lena and Stef went from that first flashback meeting to Stef and Lena admitting their mutual love for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a writer. I sometimes write fanfic because I have to get the characters and their stories out of my head. I don't have a beta. This story is almost complete. I will be trying to update at least weekly till I put it all out there. I didn't even want to put it up till I finished it but I think I need a little pressure. I am very close.  
> It's a slow burn, my attempt to realistically show how these characters began a relationship.

Separation, what an ugly word, what an ugly situation. For Stef Foster, it was even worse because her son Brandon was old enough to ask questions. And Stef wasn’t ready to answer any of them. Still, she did her best to tell the truth and explain to her little boy that daddy and mommy needed time apart. “Can’t daddy stay?” was quickly answered with an assurance that he could spend the weekend with daddy. Her own parents had always filled her head with lies, always trying to manipulate her. She’d long ago made a vow that she would be honest, face problems and not hide them from her child.

Ironically, hiding was what she was currently doing. Brandon was ready for kindergarten and she had avoided enrolling him. Mike was no help, he only seemed interested in seeing her, not Brandon’s concerns. She’d always thought they would both enthusiastically take B to his new school, proud mom and dad, ideal couple. She’d believed in that fantasy more than she’d believed in anything.  She had stuck it out in the marriage for so long, in order to fulfill that dream. The dream was shattered now. She’d have to show her face, absent father and all.

“Stef, look, I’ve set it all up sweetie,” Sharon looked impatiently at her daughter, interrupting Stef’s thoughts. “You’ll be meeting with their Vice Principal, it’s a lovely charter school and I got Brandon in through their lottery system.”

“Mom, I can’t just…” Stef knew that Sharon was only trying to help, but she hated the way she never asked her what she thought.

“Sure you can, what else have you got for Brandon?” sitting in Stef’s living room, Sharon could see the effects the separation had had on Stef. Normally a very decisive woman, Stef seemed lost and afraid, so far removed from the assertive police officer most people saw. Sharon hoped Stef would find what she needed because it had been obvious for a while that Stef was not a happy woman. As a divorcee herself, she knew the price of staying in an unhappy marriage.

“Mom…”

“For Brandon…”

Stef shook her head in defeat. Sharon had a way of convincing anyone of anything and Stef was too worn out to argue. “Fine, for once you are right. Brandon needs a school. It is not his fault...” Stef did not know how to finish that sentence. She would have to know how her marriage had failed. The truth, she was coming to realize, was that it had never failed because it hadn’t ever worked. Something had gone wrong very early on.  It was time to begin to move on, “Ok, fine. When am I going?”

“Um… in two hours…” Sharon had acted on a hunch that things had to be done quickly before Stef changed her mind.

“But…”

Sharon quickly interrupted Stef, “You have enough time for a shower, go get ready.” She wasn’t going to give Stef the opportunity to back out. Strike while the iron was hot.

Stef realized it was a losing battle and she would be better served by just doing as she was told. There was only one problem, she had nothing to wear.

* * *

 

Lena Adams was enjoying her relatively new tenure as an administrator. She’d labored as a 7th grade teacher for a few years before deciding that her leadership skills would benefit the entire school. In her second year as Vice Principal, she enjoyed dealing with discipline problems and difficult parents. The bureaucracy was the only unpleasant part of the job. She was lucky, the school was a charter school and that meant they had discretion over budgets and policies, making for a decreased load in paperwork. After a morning of signatures and applications, she was looking forward to guiding perspective parents around the school. She was proud of the campus and enjoyed showing it off. Today’s tour was for a kindergarten student, she’d have to reassure the parents that the older kids were separated from the little ones and that they’d have their own yard. Most parents welcomed the chance to have their kids at one school from Kindergarten to 12 grade. She knew how to sell the benefits, this afternoon would be routine.

Stef stared at the sign, “Anchor Beach Charter School.” And they’re really not lying about the beach part, she thought. The sprawling campus sat right on the Ocean. That might be great for the older kids but young kids and water were a bad mix. Brandon would be surely drawn to it and he couldn’t swim quite yet. She didn’t want to prejudge, but the school seemed too good to be true.

She took the last few steps in and was led right to the main office. She was there to meet a Ms. Adams. After a short inquiry, they informed her that Ms. Adams would meet her in the kindergarten yard, where she liked to meet parents for tours. Stef wasn’t impressed with the informality. She would have rather met this woman in the office.

Once at the yard, she was surprised to find small children playing on swings safely gated away from the ocean. She picked a bench near the children and sat there, imagining little B playing with friends.

Lena approached the woman on the bench, certain that she could handle the situation and put yet another parent at ease. “Sorry to keep you waiting.” In that moment, the woman turned to face her and for one instant Lena had to shake herself of the feeling that this woman might change her life, “Hi, I am Lena Adams, the assistant vice principal.” She managed to finish with a big smile.

“Hi, I am Stef Foster,” the blonde stammered her name out. This woman, this Lena, was the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. This surely was the reason for this feeling, this awe. Women like her were models, not vice principals. She reached out and shook hands with this statuesque, clearly charming woman and wondered why her hand was tingling.

Lena could not explain the reason for the prolonged contact. She just couldn’t let go. Stef was beautiful, anyone could see that. But it was that honest, earnest look in the blonde’s eye that had her mesmerized. It was starting to become awkward, but Lena knew how to break those kind of moments with beautiful women. She could keep her emotions in check. She laughed nervously, “so your son.”

“Ah Brandon… is… Brandon.” Stef could not believe how stupid she was sounding. Ms. Adams was not a celebrity. She really need to get herself under control.

“Brandon.” Lena on the other hand could always count on her ability to ignore her feelings.

“Right.” Stef wondered if she’d be responding with syllables next. She’d gone from sentences to phrases to words.

“He will be starting kindergarten this fall.” It was a well-rehearsed speech and Lena was determined to stick to the script.

“Yes, he’s five,” the young mom was beginning to find her footing again and was grateful for the professionalism this woman was exhibiting.

“Great. Well, I would be glad to give you a tour, tell you about our school. Are we waiting for your husband to join?” Lena could have kicked herself. In another context, that might have sounded like a line, a come-on. ‘Stick to the script,’ she had told herself, but she was compelled to find out more about this woman and why she was here alone.

The question threw Stef. This was exactly what Stef had been avoiding. She didn’t want to admit that she was doing this alone. Still, this woman’s mere presence made her forget about that anxiety, “Ah no, he’s not... he ah.” She composed herself, “he couldn’t make it.” She laughed nervously, covering up for the things she was leaving unsaid, “so…”

“Ok.” Lena hesitated, wondering what all that meant. “Well um,” Lena once again remembered her training, “Follow me.”

Stef didn’t know why, but she straightened her shirt, pulling at it, feeling inadequate. She silently cursed her mom for not giving her enough time to get ready. Maybe this woman’s natural beauty was making her self-conscious, but for some reason, she wanted to look her best.


	2. Bonding

“You’re standing in our Kinder yard. This is completely isolated from the other kids, including the other elementary kids.” Lena spoke confidently, now in comfortable territory.

“I must admit I was worried about Brandon catching some waves when I first walked into the school.” Stef joked finding her footing.

Lena laughed, “Most parents won’t admit to that fear, but it is one of our major security concerns. We want our little ones safe.”  Walking slower than she needed to, Lena wandered through the small yard, pausing at each play station to explain the function.

Stef didn’t even seem to notice, engrossed in both Lena and the school. Lena was managing to decrease her anxiety with her easy confident manner. Brandon would do great here and it filled her with relief. At least this part of his life would go smoothly.

“This way are our classrooms. I have arranged with Mrs. Elcot so that we can visit her classroom. It’s her break and you can ask her questions and then we can stay and see a bit of the lesson.” Lena led Stef towards the classroom, she found it very hard not to touch Ms. Foster while guiding her. That white crispy shirt called her eyes, as well as that spot right on the small of her back, where her hand might have naturally fallen. Lena introduced Stef to Mrs Elcot. She listened to the women talk and wondered why she was having such a hard time with this particular woman. How long had it been since she’d been involved? Nothing seemed to last beyond a few dates anymore. Maybe she’d let her friends set her up again, they’d been so determined recently.

“This sounds like a lovely environment, thank you for letting me come in,” Stef ended the conversation as tiny little creatures invaded the classroom and gathered around the rug for their after lunch activity. Lena and Stef sat in tiny chairs around the rug. Stef watched the kids and the teacher, but she couldn’t help but also sneak looks at Ms. Adams. She seemed genuinely amused by the kids. Her eyes shone brightly and her smile glowed. Her whole face changed and Stef felt grateful to see it. Then, it was as if her thoughts had called the woman to her, she turned towards Stef, with that same gentle smile, and held her gaze. Stef couldn’t help but respond in kind. The moment stretched on, grasping both of them tenderly until a child loudly blurted out an answer.

Lena had felt that moment down to her very soul. Briefly, she had felt understood and appreciated. She shook her head and motioned Stef to follow her.

Stef rose from the chair and followed the taller woman out, feeling in that instant that she could have followed her anywhere. Lena’s warm look soothed her, she could not have felt more at ease.

Once outside, Lena regarded Stef, professionalism once again returning to her demeanor, “That’s the quick tour of our kindergarten. I can give you the tour of rest of the school if you want…” for reasons unknown, Lena decided to press the issue, “Give you an idea about what to expect later, make sure this will be the right environment for Brandon as he grows up.”

Stef was sure she’d love the school, but she didn’t really want the tour to end. “Sure,” she blurted out before she thought too much about it.

They walked side by side, feeling their steps matching, their natural rhythms in tune. “We keep the middle school kids near the high school kids. But grades one through five share a yard. They don’t get a chance to interact with the older kids.”

“We wouldn’t want them slipping drugs to the kids,” Stef joked.

Lena seemed startled by the comment but then giggled. This woman sure was something, she thought. She decided to play along, “No, we sure wouldn’t.”

Stef suddenly felt panic at possibly having insulted this regal woman. Reaching out to touch her arm, she responded softly “I am sorry, that was a joke. A bad joke, but still a joke.”

Lena put her hand briefly on Stef’s and reassured her, “I know. I am just not used to it, but I knew, it’s fine.” They continued walking, the tour now on autopilot, Stef and Lena soon found themselves back in the front office.

“So… what do you think? Do you like…” Lena hesitated, wanting to ask more than she was supposed to, “Do you like the school, is little Brandon going to become the newest Anchor Beach enrollee?”

Stef smiled again for what seemed like hundredth time that day, “Absolutely. Nothing would make me happier.”

“Ok… then, I’ll leave you in the capable hands of our secretaries. They’ll take care of you and help you fill out all the paperwork.” Lena noticed Stef’s disappointment and quickly added, “I am afraid I don’t know anything about this side of the school. This is their domain, they know where all the forms are. I am happy you are joining us…” Lena quickly corrected herself, “That Brandon is joining us. I look forward to seeing him and you in the fall.” Lena shook Stef’s hand and excused herself. She kept the handshake brief, feeling as if she’d already crossed too many boundaries today.

Stef felt the loss and didn’t understand why this meeting had meant so much to her. Maybe she needed friends. She’d have to join that book club her mom kept pestering her about.

An hour later, Lena sat in her office. She was looking at the forms Stef had filled out. She knew right from wrong, but sometimes alone, Lena found herself bending the rules just a little. ‘A married woman, hmm…’ Lena pondered that as she perused the enrollment forms. Emergency card, that’s what she was looking for. “Bingo,” she blurted out, happy to find her door still closed.

Mother: Stefanie Marie Foster

‘So much more formal than she had introduced herself,’ Lena considered the sweet sounding name before moving on to the emergency contacts. It gave a home address and a telephone, a work place and work number. SDPD. _A cop_ , Lena thought sadly. 'Huh, maybe she was just a secretary there, yeah,' the stray thought gave her comfort. Next up, Father: Mike Foster. She hated reading the name. But there, written in Stef’s very formal printing was a different address listed for father. Before Lena got even more involved in this story, she closed the file and decided to put the woman out of her mind.

Meantime, Stef was finally arriving back at home. Sharon quickly questioned her wondering how things had gone. Hoping against hope that Stef had listened to her and enrolled Brandon.

Stef walked in a different woman than she had been earlier that morning. A smile decorated her face, “It went great, he’s enrolled. I loved the school. You were right mom.” Sharon was shocked as Stef never agreed with her. She was about to question it all, but decided against it. Maybe Stef was finally coming out of her depression. And just in time, this home needed some joy.

To Sharon’s surprise, Stef kept talking about her day, “Ms. Adams was amazing. She showed me the school. I am sure Brandon’s going to love it.”

At that moment, a tiny boy came running to greet his mom. “Mommy!”

They had both avoided saying anything to Brandon but Stef decided now was the right time. “Brandon, we found you a school. You’re going to be my big boy soon and learn all you need because you are so smart.”

Brandon smiled and hugged his mommy. Sharon smiled and for the first time in a long time, she felt as if this little family could get back on its feet.


	3. After the Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to repeat that I am not a fanfic writer. I can't decide on a point of view because I love both ladies so much. It might be a bit all over the place at times. I spent too much time making this make sense. I don't think I succeeded. I probably should have picked a character and told their story. I didn't.

Lena spent the summer traveling and avoiding. Work had pretty much taken over her life. There was nothing left for her personal life. She hadn’t given up her dream of a family but her last long-term relationship had soured her on the prospects. She’d been out with women since then, but it never moved beyond a few dates. She was much too wary and suspicious. No one quite measured up. She was not going to be cheated on and used again. Gretchen, her ex, had shown her exactly what not to expect in a girlfriend.

If she was going to put her hopes and dreams of a family at some woman’s feet again, it would be because she was worthy of it. The problem was, she was starting to fear no one could quite fit the bill. She needed to find a loving woman who loved children. Someone who was honest and had integrity. Her dream woman would understand the meaning of commitment and would not be afraid of the hard work it would take. And their love would be true, it would be real and undying. Lena was not afraid of speaking her mind, her partner would know that trust began with communication. Lena sighed, she should not be thinking about this, it would only lead to heartbreak.

Recently, she’d not only forsaken love, but her friends as well. She hated to admit that she’d been traveling for a month in part to avoid her friends, Jenna and Kelly. They were the perpetually happy couple. They’d been together forever and were well on their way to having a family with a little boy of their own. It was too much for Lena, so much of what she wanted and seemingly so out of reach. Seeing them was a reminder of what she was missing.

School was starting again and it would be time to get back in touch with her friends. She couldn’t avoid them forever. Their voices were becoming more insistent, emails and missed phone calls. She’d known Jenna since college and their friendship went back all the way to their coming out days. Back then, Jenna and Kelly were already a couple. High school sweethearts who were trying to forge a long distance relationship. Lena was the friend who kept Jenna honest and true while still enjoying the exciting gay life that college offered.

Jenna would cry on her shoulder over missing Kelly, while Lena would cry on Jenna’s shoulder over her first rejection. They had confessed many joys and sorrows to each other over the years. Now, married life consumed Jenna, but they still found time to hang out. With the summer coming to an end, Lena could admit to herself that she was feeling lonely. If she couldn’t find a woman, a wife, maybe she could find her friends again. She’d call Jenna and pretend she'd been too busy on the road.

With a decision made, Lena headed to her bedroom. She was more than prepared for the first day of school. She’d done this before and unlike other educators, she actually found this day to be very exciting. She was good at her job and the tensions of new beginnings did not get to her. Her biggest task for the evening was picking out her outfit. She looked through her closet and felt a tug in the pit of her stomach. Nothing looked right, and this was a new feeling for Lena. She looked at her standbys and pushed each one down to the far side of the closet. Tomorrow, she’d be standing in front of all the Kindergarten parents. She needed to look right. She finally decided on something, but she felt the anxiety growing. 

* * *

 

Stef had spent the summer trying to put the pieces of her life together.  Mike had called so many times. He didn’t seem to understand the meaning of separation. She’d finally convinced him that she needed time to sort things out and that meant that he needed to be there for their son, not for her.

Stef craved time to herself and that’s part of what had led her to finally accept her mother’s offer to attend the book club. Sharon had jumped for joy. Stef’s initial apprehension soon gave way to anticipation. She had arranged for her mom to watch Brandon on Sunday afternoons while she went to her book club. She had told her mom very specifically that she did not want to hang out with a bunch of bored housewives. She wasn’t looking to drown her sorrows with other divorced women. Sharon had reassured her that it would be a diverse group of women. Stef was well aware that her mom had a wide range of friends. Sharon was a quirky character who came across all kinds of people. This book club was organized by one of her friend’s daughters and the flyer did seem to guarantee a variety of interests.

Stef hadn’t been one for school. Her only interest back in high school had been getting out of the house. Joining the police force had given her the means to pay for her own apartment, away from her dad. It did leave her with an educational gap, so she longed to read great books and discuss them with like-minded people. She was more than ready to discuss the first book.

“You’ll enjoy it Stef,” Sharon really wanted her daughter to get out of the house. She needed something besides her job and Brandon. Even sitting here now, the older woman could feel the stifling nature of this house.

“It’s a good thing I can’t really think about it, tomorrow is Brandon’s first day,” Stef actually trembled a little at that thought. She couldn’t help feeling nervous about leaving Brandon alone at school for the first time. Although, something else was also bothering her, chasing the edges of her consciousness.

Sharon approached her daughter and sat near her, knowing Stef wasn’t one for comfort, “He’ll be fine. All kids are. I remember when you went to Kinder, your dad nearly had a heart...” Sharon realized a little too late that bringing up fathers was not the best idea.

Stef immediately picked up on the abrupt end to the sentence. She had become accustomed to the idea that Mike was no longer the doting dad. He had wished Brandon luck on the phone but didn’t offer to come with him to school. It pained her, for Brandon’s sake, but she realized that she wasn’t personally disappointed. In truth, life without Mike was turning out better than she would have thought. “Well, I remember Kinder as well.” She had to admit that she had been reluctant to leave daddy’s arms that day. He had given her a big teddy bear hug that would have to last her the whole day. Dismissively, she said, “I know he’ll be fine. It’s a great school.” Stef stood up, uncomfortable with the whole subject.

Sharon didn’t follow, she knew her daughter well. It was hard to imagine now, but Stef had once been a daddy’s girl. She’d follow him everywhere and he would show her all he knew. Things were different now and there was no talking to Stef about Frank now. Sharon sighed grateful that after tomorrow, her days as babysitter were mostly over. School would become his primary caretaker.

Monday morning came quicker than anyone at the Foster household had imagined. Brandon was wearing his crisp new clothes, a blue polo shirt and black dress pants. He had insisted on that outfit, even though the school did not require uniforms. Stef had asked for special permission from work to drop Brandon off that day. She didn’t want to miss a minute of this. She watched Brandon eat a full breakfast. She didn’t want him to go hungry. She had gotten up extra early to cook some eggs and sausage.

“Are you ready B?” Stef leaned over and reached to grab the empty plate. Brandon looked up, bright eyes and brave smile, nodding. No one had told her how painful growing up could be, for a mom. “Good boy, you’re going to do great. You’ll be the smartest boy there.” She finished the preparations, feelings as if everything was changing. She wasn’t ready for this. She’d never planned on doing this on her own.

Parents were packed into the auditorium of the school. It was the first day of Kindergarten and the crowd was oozing stress. Lena always welcomed the challenge of calming down anxious parents, excited children and frightened souls. She was looking forward to the ritual of introducing the teachers, assigning their students and watching parents wave goodbye. As Lena scanned the audience, the crowd seemed typical. That was until her eyes fell on the one person she’d done her best not to think about, blonde, straight cop, Stef Foster. The very same Stef Foster that had charmed her in a short time during the school tour.

The anxiety she’d been feeling suddenly went away. She studied the other woman carefully, she looked as uncomfortable as the rest of the parents. She also looked more beautiful than anyone in the audience. Her mere presence brought an unexplainable calm and Lena found the strength to begin her speech.

Stef had found a seat and was holding Brandon’s hand when she spotted the vice principal dressed in simple slacks and a beautiful silky shirt. She epitomized style. Stef felt under-dressed in her jeans and sweater. Odd again, that she’d think of her clothes around this woman. She listened to the presentation but found it hard to concentrate on the words. Still, the soft confident tone eased her distress about Brandon and eventually put a smile on her face. This woman was eloquent, but practical. It wasn’t empty words intended to soothe, her speech genuinely reflected what Ms. Adams thought of the school and the kind of experiences the kids would have there.

“I will now introduce you to the teachers and announce the names of the students. The children are asked to line up behind their new teachers. Parents please stay seated until everyone has been called.” Lena spoke the words that would conclude this part of the day. One by one, children were called and separated from their nervous moms and dads. The stream of student names finally reached the Fs. “Brandon Foster,” Lena announced as she tried and failed to avoid meeting Stef’s eyes. But meet them she did, the hazel gaze fell on her as soon as her own stare landed on the woman. Of course Stef was looking at her, everyone in the auditorium was.  There was nothing special in the warm caress of her eyes. She shook her head quickly and continued with the names.

Parents streamed out of the auditorium, following the classes to make sure their kids made it in alright and to help get them settled. As if by an unseen force, the throngs of people pushed Lena and Stef together as they exited the auditorium. After having tried to avoid Stef, Lena felt her before she saw her. Their shoulders touched briefly, bringing an awareness of one another. They smiled awkwardly at each other.

Stef reached out to shake the Vice Principal’s hand, “Hi… um…” Stef felt the soft hand hold hers a bit longer than necessary. “Again.” The nervous mom smiled awkwardly but sincerely.

“Hi. First day is here, I am glad you are here, I mean Brandon is here.” So much for avoiding all thoughts of this woman, Lena was having the exact same reaction to this woman as she had months before.

“Um… thanks,” Stef flashed Lena her biggest smile. Lena returned it with one of her own. “I admit, I am a little nervous about this.”

Lena couldn’t help the need to reassure, “I’ll make sure Brandon is ok.”

“He might be, but I am not sure I’ll be ok.” Stef tried to make light of the situation.

Lena fought the urge to blurt out more comfort but her traitorous hand reached out to do so anyway. Her fingers gently rested on a slim shoulder. They stood there smiling at each other before another parent tried to get Lena’s attention.

“I am sorry, Ms. Foster. I need to talk to her. I promise Brandon’s first day will be amazing.”

“Brandon… yes,” Stef wondered what about this woman made her forget the most basic things. ‘Thanks again.” She watched her walk away and wondered how one woman could be so beautiful. She didn’t have time to dwell on her thoughts as she walked to Brandon’s room for some final goodbyes.


	4. A Woman in Uniform

“I am telling you Jenna, I can’t get this woman out of my head and it’s just wrong. I’ve talked to her exactly two times.” Lena was sitting on Jenna and Kelly’s couch. Her posture screamed frustration.

“Who is she?” Jenna couldn’t help her enthusiasm. She hadn’t seen her friend enthused over a woman since Gretchen.

Lena’s smile turned downward and her eyebrow shot up, “a parent...” Lena paused for effect, “uh, a married parent.”

Jenna was unable to hide her dismay, “oh Lena!” Of course she would have to be someone unavailable. Lena did seem to find the unattainable very attractive.

“I know, I know,” Lena shook her head and stood up. “You don’t need to tell me. There’s just something about her.” Lena sat back down again, trying to control her emotions. “I am now actively avoiding her. I usually try to supervise the kinders during the first week of school. I have managed to avoid that duty by assigning a TA to do it instead. I just can’t see her. I turn into a complete idiot around her.”

Jenna smiled gently in sympathy, “That’s probably the best thing to do for now. Look, it’s a good sign, your heart is waking up. Maybe she’s not the one but she’s paving the way for your heart to open up again. It’s good to feel, something, anything. And trust yourself, no matter what, you won’t cross a line. You’re super professional.” Jenna reached out to hold her friend’s hand. “Maybe you should just enjoy your crush. Nothing is going to happen.”

Lena thought about this for a while. As long as she understood that it was something she could never act on, maybe she could just enjoy what it felt like to be a woman attracted to another woman. It had been so long and just a smile from Stef could make any day better. “I won’t be approaching her for conversation but maybe it’s just as stupid to avoid doing my job just so that I won’t have an encounter with her.”

Jenna trusted her friend wouldn’t risk her job in any way, she was concerned about how quickly Lena seemed to respond to this woman. This was unusual for Lena, who was typically cautious. “You’ve talked to her twice, really Lena? That’s all it takes?” Jenna teased her old friend.

Lena laughed for the first time that evening, “That easy, right? I must be lonely.” Her laugh turned sad, “I don’t know Jenna, it was like the earth moved for a second.” Lena shook her head, “I am insane and a walking cliché. Anyway, tell me about Garret. How is he doing? He’s going to preschool now?”

“Yeah, I wish we lived closer to your job so he could go there next year but eh, no such luck.” Kelly would have loved that, but Jenna didn’t worry about things like that. “He’s with his grandparents today. I swear that kid helped Kelly’s parents accept her. It’s amazing. Suddenly we’re all a big family.”

Lena loved Garret and she had missed him recently. ‘Being an aunty isn’t bad,’ Lena thought. “Next time, I hope he’s here. I’ll even babysit if you need a night off.”

Jenna smiled, “I might take you up on that. There’s never any time once you have kids.” Lena heard her friend’s concerns but would have gladly taken on those problems instead of tackling another frozen dinner. Cooking for just one person was no fun.

“Well, I am gonna get going. I am giving your advice some thought and I promise I’ll come by soon.” Lena was glad to be back in contact with her closest friend.

“I was glad you came by. Don’t be a stranger.” Jenna said as she escorted her old friend out the door. She hoped Lena was strong enough to handle the latest challenge.

* * *

 

Stef got in the habit of dropping off her son at school in the mornings. Right before the first bell, Stef would usher Brandon inside and rush back out to get ready for work. She didn’t like dropping him off in her uniform so she usually drove back home to get in the outfit. Usually, Sharon would pick him up from school in the afternoons and hang out with him for a couple of hours. She was lucky to be working days. It would be really difficult to work things out if she had to be out in the evening. On most days, she got to spend evenings at home with her son.

And that is what she did every week except on Sundays when she had her book club. It had been a good break. The group made for good conversation. She enjoyed Mary’s boisterous humor and Kelly’s quiet support. The one thing she noticed right away was how much she enjoyed the company of women. This was something that had always been missing from her life. Ever since high school, she hadn’t had close female friends. There were so few women on the force and usually the women avoided each other to not encourage any kind of gossip.

Her job made her think of Mike, who was the only problem in her new life. He wasn’t taking the separation well. He’d always had a hard time figuring out when to stop drinking but it seemed to her that he was showing up to work hung over. He didn’t look good. She had even refused him Brandon on a couple of occasions because he seemed drunk. Luckily that had not happened too often and she wondered if she’d need the court involved at some point. Mike hadn’t seemed too interested in Brandon. He had stopped coming around as much when he realized Stef wasn’t budging on the separation. As it stood, she couldn’t see going back to him at this point. She had her life back and she wasn’t giving it up again. Mike would have to make a lot of changes in order for her to take him back. The problem was she just couldn’t imagine her life without a husband, but she had Brandon and that’s what mattered. She’d always wanted a family.

Family provided a routine in her life. It was in effect that day as she’d manage to drop Brandon off and make it to the station on time. Everything was moving along normally until they called to her inform her that her presence was required at the school. Brandon was ill. She felt her stomach drop and her hands shook. She needed to get there quickly.

Lena had always had a healthy mistrust of the police. She was a feminist woman of color and knew the problems of blindly following authority. Plus, violence of any kind frightened her. She had really never had anything nice to say about police officers until the day that Stef Foster walked into the main office in her full uniform.

Lena could not stop staring. How could she be hyperventilating and feel as if her breath had stopped? She was never one of those lesbians who might objectify women by their clothes.  Nor did she have some kind of uniform fetish, but seeing Stef wearing her crispy navy blue outfit was a revelation. She demanded respect with her demeanor. It was like seeing a different woman. Stef was a woman in charge and Lena couldn’t help but react. She’d never admit to anyone but she suddenly had a very pleasant vision of Stef coming in to take her in handcuffs.

Lena coughed and managed to sputter, “Officer, I mean Ms. Foster.”

“Where’s Brandon? I got a call,” Stef was a wreck and it showed.

Lena was still struggling to find her composure, “He’s resting in the nurse’s office. He has a fever but otherwise you can take him home.”

Stef’s eyebrows shot up in confusion. She’d never had to take a child home and was deeply concerned that this had happened at school. ‘Why didn’t I notice he was sick, I should have known,’ Stef chastised herself as the earlier confidence gave way to a vulnerability she didn’t usually show people.

Lena could see the young woman struggling and had the experience to know what it was about. She turned towards the secretaries who usually handled these affairs and waved them off. She’d take care of this. One of them raised her eyebrows but turned away. If they sensed anything, they’d probably assume Lena was somehow intimidated by the police uniform. “Listen, this happens. Kids get sick suddenly and it’s the first time he’s been around so many kids. Germs abound,” Lena smiled consolingly.

Stef smiled for the first time, unable to respond any other way. This was Ms. Adams, the woman who managed to make everything easier for her.

“I am going to need you to sign him out and then you can take him home.” Lena went to get Brandon who was sleeping like a baby. She gently woke him up. She could see so much of his mom in him. He was adorable. “Brandon,” she spoke gently. She led a sleepy boy to his mom and presented him as the gift he was.

“I hope he feels better. His teacher already put his homework in his backpack. If he’s not feeling well tomorrow, call us to let us know,” Lena could see Stef struggling with his backpack and trying to pick up Brandon. “Why don’t I help you out?” Stef nodded even though she usually didn’t let people help her.

As Stef walked ahead in front of her, it gave Lena an opportunity to admire that uniform from behind. She found it easy to ignore the gun when she was staring at Stef’s round derriere. It was a sight for sore eyes, tight blue pants just hugging all the right curves. Lena could feel parts of her, long ago dormant, waking up from a long sleep. She walked Brandon gently and helped him inside Stef’s car. Once outside, they shook hands awkwardly.

“Thanks for the help. I know you didn’t have to,” Stef found it hard to say goodbye, just wanting to feel like she was something special to this woman, needing her approval, her attention.

“I wanted to. It was my pleasure,” Lena smiled and was unsure if she was flirting. She doubted the other woman noticed.  She watched Stef wave goodbye and finally let out the breath she’d been holding. That was a full swoon she’d just experienced. Stef was trouble. In any other context, Lena might have asked her out by now.

When Stef got home, she found Sharon waiting for her. She had rushed over to help watch Brandon while Stef went back to work. They’d put Brandon in bed and carefully monitored his temperature. They gave him something to ease the fever and hoped it wouldn’t rise much higher. He complained of a sore throat so the flu was the most likely culprit.

“Ms. Adams helped me put him in the car. She’s super nice,” Stef added as she started making some tea for her son. “Real pretty,” she added almost absent mindedly.

Sharon raised an eyebrow at that and wondered what had prompted that assessment. Instead of spooking her daughter, she decided to just get details, “Is that Brandon’s teacher?”

“Oh, no,” Stef shook her head. “She’s the school’s assistant vice principal.” Stef liked the full title, it seemed to fit the Lena, who demanded respect with such ease.

“Ah, well, they sure give you special attention at that fancy school,” Sharon could not help but notice the slight smile on her daughter’s face.

“I don’t know…” Stef had no idea how to describe her short encounters with this educated woman. “We seem to have hit it off. She’s the one that gave me the tour,” Stef’s mind wandered dreamily back to that afternoon when life suddenly seemed full of possibility.

“Ah…” Sharon remembered her daughter’s demeanor that day. Something had changed. She’d gone from mopey divorcee to a woman on a mission. ‘If this woman had anything to do with that, well bless her,’ Sharon mused, noticing that Stef’s eyes still held that happy faraway look.


	5. An Assistant Vice Principal to the Rescue

Brandon missed a couple of days of school with the flu but it wasn’t much of a problem. There were other issues, shortly after the illness, Brandon’s teacher approached Lena about behaviors she was seeing with Brandon. He was falling behind. He seemed distracted. The school believed in intervening as soon as they noticed problems. As much as she wanted to avoid close contact with Stef Foster, she’d have to be professional about this. This was her job. She was in charge of coordinating the intervention programs, monitoring progress and managing success. She’d have to have a meeting with Ms. Foster and see what they could do.

She braced herself and made the call. Stef answered almost immediately and Lena was forced into action, “Ms. Foster, this is Lena Adams, the Assistant Vice Principal from Anchor Beach Charter School.”

Stef’s worry and surprise barely won out over the joy of hearing that soothing voice. “Yes Ms. Adams, something wrong?”

“No, not wrong. Brandon’s fine. We just have some concerns about his performances in the recent assessments and I would like to sit down and talk to you about them,” Lena hoped she hadn’t made that sound too scary. Parents always worried and it was her job to make it all better.

Stef sighed, she had seen Brandon struggle a bit with the homework but she had no experience about what it all meant.  “Certainly. Um…”

“Look, try not to worry. We’ll figure out how to best help him and get this done.” She had no doubt that Stef was a caring mother and that she’d do anything to help Brandon. “I’ll make sure of it,” she wasn’t sure why she added the personal assurance but she knew she had to.

Stef felt relieved by the words. She believed Ms. Adams. “Ok, I can take time off if you just let me know the best time.”

“Would Friday be OK, during school or after school?” Lena would move heaven and earth to make this more comfortable for Stef.

“Probably, after school. I will call and let you know if I can’t make that.”

“Great, I’ll see you promptly after school.” With that Lena hung up the phone. She looked around nervously, a goofy smile on her face. Brandon’s problems were of some concern, but the personal joy of seeing one Stef Foster could not be denied.

Stef on the other hand was stunned into worry. She couldn’t count on Mike to share the burden either. He’d probably find a way to blame her. She couldn’t sit around and overthink this, maybe it wasn’t all that bad. Either way, she’d find out on Friday.

* * *

 

 

Lena was a neat meticulous person and her desk reflected that personality, but today, she seemed to be extra concerned with appearances, her own and her office. Stef Foster was coming in for the meeting. She knew she had to focus on Brandon, but Stef was not from far from her mind as she dusted off a corner of the desk with the back of her hand.

While, Stef knew the principal’s name, it was Ms. Adams that had made Stef feel at home at Anchor Beach. Unlike the first time they met, Stef had had enough time to dress appropriately. She was relaxed and comfortable but formal enough for a meeting with a school administrator. Perhaps for the first time, Stef felt at ease before meeting Ms. Adams. When she was finally called in to the office, she stepped in to the office with confidence. Although she was used to this feeling while in her uniform, things weren’t as simple when she was out of it.

As Stef stepped inside her office, Lena noticed the difference right away. Stef looked and acted different. Lena did not think she had seen her look more beautiful or confident. Once inside, they stood in front of each other, the moment stretching on. In each other’s presence, smile was all they could do.

Finally, Lena spoke, “Ms. Foster.” Lena knew she should probably use Mrs., even though she knew that Stef was having marital problems. However, the feminist in her wouldn’t allow her to call any woman Mrs. unless they insisted.

Stef interrupted, “call me Stef.” She didn’t know why this informality was important to her but it was.

“And you can call me Lena,” and this was an informality that the young administrator typically did not allow, but she longed to hear her name come out of those lips. “Please sit,” she motioned to a chair while she took her own chair behind her desk. “So … umm… Brandon.”

“Yeah, I am really sorry. I think I should fill you in on some things,” Stef sat up and hoped this wouldn’t sound too much like excuses.  “My husband and I are separated. Brandon hasn’t been handling it too well. His dad has been kind of MIA.” Stef was embarrassed to share so much with the Vice Principal. Seeing nothing but concern in Lena’s eyes, she continued, “I tried to convince Mike to come to this meeting, but he refused.”

Lena had heard much worse stories in her office, domestic abuse, death threats. Divorce was really quite common, but still so damaging. “Has he talked to anyone about his feelings?”

Stef shook her head, “No, he’s so little. I just…”

Lena walked around her desk and sat near Stef, “Look, there are counselors that specialize in kids, we have some of our own or your job could help you find one as well. I think it would help Brandon.” Lena wanted desperately to reach for the blonde woman’s hand, but the mere force of her desire kept her from doing so.

Stef looked up and leaned in towards the other woman, grateful for the support, comfort and warmth emanating from brown eyes. Lena made her feel like she was taken care of. “Thank you, I think I’d like it if it was kept at school.” She didn’t add that work was not a safe place right now because Mike was also on the force.

“I’ll arrange that and our counselor will be in touch with you soon after that. Now, we have to move on to the next part, academics,” Lena pulled away, she’d gotten too close, close enough to smell her scent and see the different colors in her eyes. “What does Brandon do well? We have to start with his strengths, anything at home you can think of. I have notes from his teachers about all these things too."

Stef smiled thinking about her boy, “B’s a sweet boy. He’s organized, committed. He’s responsible and well behaved.”

Lena had seen the boy too and agreed with that assessment, “Those are great skills to have. They will pay off in school. And his teacher agrees with you. She also says that he really enjoys the songs they sing.”

Stef opened up to the biggest smile Lena had seen yet, “He loves music. He is always banging on his little toy instruments and he loves to dance around the house with me.”

Lena could picture the scene and was surprised at how affected she was by the vision. Finding herself leaning towards Stef again, Lena once again pulled back, “We can use that. We can suggest that the teacher provide as many musical opportunities to learn. We have videos that incorporate music and learning that might help him as well.  Um, I know money can be an issue but Brandon needs to experience success at this point and I often suggest extracurricular activities that suit the situation. Maybe he could take some classes somewhere?”

“Like piano or violin or something?” Stef was excited.

“Exactly like that,” Lena encouraged.

They smiled at each other, feeling as if together they could solve any issue. “I think we could afford that, but I have to check.”

“Great, we can also offer some after school tutoring to catch up. You and I will have to meet regularly…” Lena stopped abruptly, correcting herself, “Or your husband could meet with me.”

Stef interrupted, “No, I think I will probably the one meeting with you.”

“Ok, then, here comes the unpleasant part,” Lena became serious suddenly, “Our school is highly sought after and if Brandon isn’t performing at the end of first grade, we would have to reconsider his placement in this school.” Before Stef could become upset, Lena rushed to reassure her, this time actually letting her hand rest gently on Stef’s, “But that’s not going to happen. We won’t let it. Brandon is a smart boy, going through a hard time. We’ll work with him and encourage him and he will turn it around. We have almost two years to do it and we will do it.”

Stef had never felt this level of commitment from anyone. Lena made promises that Stef believed in. She had no reason to, but her heart knew the truth and honesty in Lena’s voice. “You can count on my support.”

“I know I can Ms. Foster…”

“Stef,” Stef was going to have to insist.

Lena hesitated, realizing her hand was still on the blonde’s. She withdrew her hand but held her gaze, “Stef it is.”


	6. The Book Club

Over the next few weeks Stef and Lena met on a weekly basis discussing all things Brandon. Slowly, they began building a friendship, one based on their mutual concern for a little boy. Stef could not volunteer for many school events so that’s all she saw of the charming Assistant VP.

Lena was very aware of her feelings and continued to fight their intensity. She craved Stef’s company but did not encourage it outside of the professional boundaries. “I am about to bust. Jenna, I just can’t take it.” Lena found herself sitting on Jenna’s couch once again, “why can’t I find a nice gay woman?”

“You need a distraction,” Jenna joined her friend on her couch, a glass of wine in each hand.

Lena took a sip from her glass, “yeah, you have one?”

“The book club,” Jenna took a chance again.

“No, not that book club again. I’ve told you no…”

Jenna shook her head. She would not take no for an answer, “I know, but you need something other than work. You don’t like bars and you don’t like ‘gay’ places.”

“That’s because I am more than a lesbian,” Lena countered. “Besides, I am looking to get away from that crowd. You know what happened last time I hung out with a bunch of lesbians, my girlfriend slept with one of my best friends.”

“Ok, so the book club is perfect. You may not meet a woman but you’ll have a distraction. Come on, just one night,” Jenna would beg if necessary.

“One night? I don’t know…” Lena did not need that commitment. She feared boring conversation and reading books she’d already read.

“It’s at my house this week and I promise you it’s an interesting book. Kelly is all excited about hosting it. You know I don’t attend, it’s more Kelly’s thing but she’d love to have you. She needs another lesbian in the group,” Jenna would use any excuse to get Lena to come. She’d promised Kelly.

“Here?” Lena inquired and Jenna nodded. “It’s not Stephen King is it?

Jenna laughed, “no, I promise.” Lena raised her eyebrow but nodded her consent.

A week later, Lena was once again arriving at her friend’s house. This time she had brought appetizers for the evening. At the very least, this book club would give her an excuse to cook for a lot of people. Jenna led Lena straight into the kitchen. Lena’s reluctance to join the group showed as she carefully set out the food in trays. They could hear voices coming from the living room. Lena feared encounters with strangers, she kept reminding herself that Kelly would be there.

“I am glad you came, I was afraid you wouldn’t show,” Jenna said, as she took a delicacy in her mouth. “Lena this is delicious.”

Lena tried not to look annoyed, “I said I would. Now, try not to eat all the food.”

“I can’t help it,” Jenna spoke between bites, “it’s so good.”

“Ok, but share, come on.” Lena decided to get it over with. She took small steps towards the noise and fixated her gaze on Kelly as soon as she spotted her.

Kelly rushed to introduce Lena as she stepped into the small group, “Ok club, this is my old friend Lena, she’s a vice principal at one of our local schools.”  

“Hi, thanks for inviting me…” Lena’s next words died in her mouth when she noticed that sitting amongst the women was Stef Foster, the woman that haunted her dreams. She raised her eyebrows and sighed.

Stef on the other hand could feel nothing but joy at seeing Lena join their group. She didn’t know why or what it meant, but Lena’s proximity was assuaging something inside her, “Lena…”

“Stef,” in spite of herself, Lena felt herself smile.

Kelly noticed the obvious, “Looks like you know each other.”

Lena chose to not give any details, “From school.”

Stef scooted over and provided a clear space for Lena to sit. Given no choice, Lena sat as far away from Stef as she could considering the size of that couch.

Lena could not think of a single thing anyone said. All she could do was sit there and wonder if her sense of smell was somehow heightened because she swore she could smell Stef’s shampoo, her perfume, her soap. Fortunately, this was just social time and she managed to reply when appropriate.

Stef was thrilled. She could form a friendship with Lena, here was the perfect excuse. She just had to convince her to come back again. It sounded like this could be a one off. Lena said as much when the discussion started. Lena was smart and witty, she brought a new energy to the group. More than that, she made Stef happy. She was so much more interesting than what she had shown as VP.  And when Lena’s smile and wit fell on her, Stef felt the world spin on its axis.

Stef and Lena lingered as people left, they helped clean the dishes, laughing over who could get them the cleanest. They quickly found out that they had cleanliness in common.

“How long have you known Kelly?” Stef passed Lena a plate to dry.

“I’ve known Kelly and Jenna since college,” Lena replied, taking the plate from Stef. She wondered how much Stef knew about her friends, “they were a couple when I met them, it was long distance back then.”

Stef had known they were a couple. Kelly had not made her relationship secret, but Stef hadn’t thought too much about it. She didn’t like to dwell on the thought. Stef couldn’t help but think about it now, ‘Lena was good friends with a… a… couple, a gay couple. Did it? Could it? She realized how little she knew about Lena. ‘Was she married?’ Aloud, she tried to keep it casual, “that’s a long time. I guess…” She also realized she didn’t know how old Lena was.

Lena seemed to sense the unspoken question, “It’s been almost 9 years.”

“So you’re like 27…” Stef added.

“On the nose! Hmm… ok let’s start over.” Suddenly making a decision, Lena stretched out her hand, “My name is Lena Elizabeth Adams, I am 27 years old.”

Stef smiled realizing instantly what Lena was doing, “I am Stefanie Marie Foster and I am 29 years old.” She shook Lena’s hand much like the first time they’d met, “you are a young vice principal.”

“Assistant Vice Principal," Lena clarified, "but yeah, I guess I am. I taught for a very short time. It’s really all I’ve wanted to do. I want to be principal someday, but for now this will do.” Lena smiled.

“Obviously, I think you’d do a great job.” Stef was confused by the sudden frown on Lena’s beautiful complexion.

“I…” Lena hesitated, ‘should she really pursue a friendship?’ It seemed as if the world was conspiring against her. “I would prefer it if we left work at work.”

Stef suddenly stopped washing the plate, “I am sorry.”

Lena gently touched Stef’s arm, “Nothing for you to be sorry about, it’s just a conflict of interest and all.” How could Lena explain her conflict? “I just want to keep it all separate.”

Now it was Stef’s expression that changed. She finished washing the plate, silently gave it back to Lena and watched her dry it.  She worried, was Lena saying they couldn’t be friends? Why was it suddenly so important to Stef?

Before she could finish her thoughts, Kelly came in after ushering the last guest out. She was oblivious to the tension in the room “So Lena, did you have fun? Could you see yourself coming back?”

And there it was. Leave it to Kelly to bring things to a head. “I don’t know…” Lena knew she should avoid Stef. It could only spell heartbreak.

“Lena,” Stef opened her mouth before she realized what she was saying, “please?”

Lena felt trapped by the soft pleading in Stef’s voice. ‘How can I deny her anything,’ Lena thought, ‘I can be responsible and professional about this.’ Her voice sounded more confident than she felt, “sure. I had fun.” And she had. Stef was funny and irreverent, carefree in ways that inspired her.

Kelly saw her opportunity, “Will you take the next available turn and host us at your place?”

Lena chuckled at Kelly’s nerve, “You’re going for broke aren’t you?” She hesitated but the part of her that needed to see Stef won out in the end, “OK, OK. It will give me an excuse to clean.”

“Well on that note,” Stef cleared her throat, “it’s my time to leave. My mother must be tired of my boy by now.” Stef gave Kelly a quick hug and impulsively reached for Lena as well. The taller woman was reluctant to respond at first but she soon found herself melting into the embrace. Both women were unaccustomed to the feelings coursing through their bodies. Kelly couldn’t help but notice the slightly longer hug the other women shared.

Stef was always very affectionate. She relied on her sense of touch to provide comfort and joy. She was grateful for her new friend and she needed to show that. She was unprepared for the confusing sensations that this hug had brought. It seemed to reignite feelings in her, things she hadn’t considered in a long time. She excused herself leaving behind a sense confusion and excitement in the air.

Kelly wasn’t sure what she had seen, it was all a little too intimate for acquaintances but too awkward for anything else. She accompanied Stef out the door and went right back into the kitchen where she found Lena resting back on the kitchen sink, looking out of sorts. “Um… I am not sure…”

Jenna walked in at the moment and while she had hosted the event, she did not take part in the book club. “So you knew someone from school?”

Lena looked a little green, “It was her.”

Jenna looked confused for a second, before realization hit her, “Oh her…”

“Wait, who’s her,” Kelly inquired, feeling left out.

Unable to stand any longer, Lena reached for the nearest chair. “A parent at school. A married parent.”

Kelly could always find the positive. “Really, I had wondered about her. I mean, she’s a cop...” Kelly paused meaningfully, then shook her head, “I know, I know, stereotypes, but she pings. She just does, but she said she’s married and had a kid so I dropped the thought.” Lena looked defeated. “I don’t know though, I saw something in that hug.”

Jenna chuckled, “Don’t encourage her, she’s encouraged enough as it is.” She took Lena’s hand, “What a coincidence.”

“I know, she’s literally the last person I expected here. But that hug, ugh,” Lena sighed. “It’s just like that each time I see her. The first time we met. Time stopped. That’s clichéd and all but that’s what happened. I can’t help but feel like whatever she brings to my life, I have to... kind of live it. You know?”

“I am not sure I do,” Jenna was worried her friend was jumping in head first into heartache.

“She might bring heartache, she might bring friendship but whatever it is, I have to go through it.” More sighs. “I am probably just crazy. This is a bad idea.”

Jenna and Kelly looked at each other not really knowing how they could help their friend.

Meanwhile, Stef arrived at home in a swirl of elation. Sharon couldn’t help but notice. “Well,” she boasted, “I see my book club idea is really beginning to take off.”

“Huh…” Stef’s mind was still buzzing.

“You seem happy,” Sharon pointed out as they sat near each other on the couch.

“I am, I met um…” Stef still couldn’t believe it, “Lena there.”

Sharon couldn’t recall the name. “Who is Lena?”

“You remember, Lena Adams, the Assistant VP at the school.”

Sharon remembered and wondered who this woman was, the one that kept putting a smile on her daughter’s face. “You invited her to the book club?”

“What?” Stef couldn’t ever imagine doing that. “No… she knew Kelly from the club. What a coincidence? Right?”

“Kelly, the lesbian?” Sharon knew everyone from the club thanks to her friend’s gossip.

“Mom…” Stef hated it when her mother was judgmental. “She happens to be gay yes, and Lena has known Kelly and her partner Jenna for a long time.” Stef prided herself on being open minded, but this subject always set her on edge.

“Is Lena gay?” Sharon was leading somewhere. She often wondered if Stef ever thought about what happened in high school. In the back of her mind, the older woman always feared that this issue would raise its head again. She hoped she could handle it better this time.

“What?” Stef spoke in a near shout. “Why would you say that…?” Her mom had spoken the thought that had been tugging at her all night. The one she just couldn’t ask.

“Well, I mean, is she married? I don’t care, I am just curious.” Sharon did mean that, she was happy her daughter had a friend, no matter what. ‘No matter what,’ Sharon had to repeat it like a mantra.

Stef thought for a minute, just as interested in the answer herself. “I… I don’t know.”

“Hmm… well. I am glad you have a friend.” Sharon patted Stef’s knee.

Stef shook off her mother’s condescension, “I don’t know what we are. But she’s hosting the book club next time. Then, it’s going to be my turn.”

“Goody, I can help!” Sharon cared more about meeting her daughter’s friend than helping, but she wasn’t going to say that.

“Oh no mom, no. I can handle it.” Stef couldn’t think of a worse scenario.

“Oh Stef, come on.”

“No…” Stef didn’t know why it was important, but she didn’t want her mom around Lena or the group.


	7. Coming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly... getting there, but not for a while.

Before Lena and Stef could meet again for book club, they had a meeting about Brandon. Lena found herself fidgeting with her desk, wiping unseen crumbs off her chair. The book club had changed everything. When Stef walked in to her office, she was once again overwhelmed with joy that threatened to expose her lack of professionalism. Lena thought that she’d get used to that by now, but each time the feelings blew her away.

Stef didn’t know how to talk to the Assistant Vice Principal anymore. After you beg someone to do something as she had done about staying in the group, it kind of changed the way you saw them. And the way they saw you. She didn’t wait to be asked to sit. She knew the routine. She sat in front of Lena, the door safely closed behind her. “Hi Lena.” She brazenly decided to just be bold.

Lena smiled at Stef’s attitude. “Hi Stef, how are you doing?” If she was going to play it casual, so could she.

“I am actually a little anxious about the meeting, but otherwise excited to be here.” Stef was starting to feel a little reckless. ‘Live a little she told herself.’

Lena scrunched up her nose at that, ‘what could she say to that.’ “You have nothing to worry about the meeting. You know the routine. We review Brandon’s goals and set up the next steps.” She decided to ignore the personal.

Stef didn’t fail to notice that and it just made her more intrigued. Lena was a tough nut to crack. All she wanted was to get close and smash those walls. She wanted to get inside and see what made Lena burn. “I can give you the home update. Brandon is loving his classes and his teacher is incredibly enthused. She thinks he has real raw talent. He is so excited to go to his piano classes. I have never seen him so dedicated. I wish I could give him that experience at home.”

Lena could hear the unsaid, money. Pianos were not cheap. “We have pianos available for the students. They’re usually available for the older students but we might be able to set up something for our younger group. I am sure we have other talented musicians. When he is in third grade, he can join our elementary orchestra. I am sure he’d enjoy that.

Stef smiled, “somehow I think you’re assuming he’ll still be here in third grade.”

Lena held her smile and winked, “Brandon will be here then, if I have to tutor him myself.”  As if realizing her inappropriate offer, Lena changed the subject. “At some point, you might be able to swing a keyboard of some sort, he can practice on that and that isn’t nearly as expensive.”

“The real question is whether my ears are going to be able to take it.” Stef covered her ears and feigned pain.

Lena chuckled, “We… I mean… you can get him headphones.” She had to keep a straight face and not smack herself in the head. Lena did not know what it was about this woman that made her say the stupidest things. Maybe that’s just the way she'd always behaved, jumped in head first and then looked around to see if there were sharks.

Stef had not been part of a “we” for a while now. Strange for Lena to say that because since meeting her, Stef couldn’t get enough of her, wanting her in her life. Maybe this thing that was happening to her was also happening to Lena. “Yeah, I guess…” What was this thing they shared? “I could.”

“His latest assessment shows improvements. I think the tutoring is helping.” Lena changed the subject quickly.

“I have seen the same kind of progress at home.” Stef sighed. “I spoke to the counselor…” Stef hesitated.

“You don’t have to share that with me.” Lena did not want to make Stef uncomfortable, ever.

Stef smiled honestly, “I want to.” She realized that there wasn’t anyone she trusted more with the information. “He misses his dad a lot but he sees that I am happier. I think it’s helping him, talking to the counselor.”

“I imagine it does. He doesn’t really understand it all and won’t for a while. All he can do is express himself.”

“So, you’re really hosting next week?” Stef changed the subject, needing to meaningfully connect with the charming VP.

“I guess I am. I love to cook, that’s actually something I am looking forward to. It’s been a while since I’ve hosted anything.” Lena realized a bit too late that she had shared more than she wanted to.

Stef wondered how that came to be, Lena had to have tons of people around her, wanting to hang out. “Really? I find that hard to believe.”

“I’ve been out of commission. Work’s what I’ve had.” ‘It’s what I have now,’ Lena reminded herself. She could not forget that.

“Yeah me too. It’s the one thing I miss about being married, more people in the house. I like home.”

“Me too…” Lena smiled.

“I could come and help you…” Lena seemed confused at Stef’s words, “I mean for the book club. I could come over early and help.”

Lena could not think of a worse idea. Out loud, her traitorous mouth spoke, “Sure.”

“Great, here, let me give you my number” Stef reached over for a piece of paper and scribbled her name on a notepad on the Vice Principal’s desk. Lena decided to return the favor by grabbing one of her professional cards and adding her personal number on the back.

After Stef left, Lena questioned her sanity, as she brought the piece of paper to her lips.

Stef arrived at Lena's with a couple of bottles of wine in hand. She wasn’t much of a cook and usually contributed drinks to any of the club meetings. After some coaxing, Lena had insisted that it was all she needed.

Stef took in her surroundings, hoping each item here could tell her a secret about Lena. Some were obvious. She looked at the pictures, those were the best clues. She concluded right away that Lena did not have children or a husband. If she did, those pictures were missing. She did see a mom and a dad, she did not fail to notice that her mom was black and her dad was white. She had lovely pictures of herself with them. She also had pictures with various women, including Kelly and Jenna. So Lena had a lot of friends, she tried not to think about what that might mean.

Stef was interrupted from her reverie by Lena herself, “I put away the wine you brought.”

“Yeah, I hope it’s enough, I thought about bringing a box.”

Lena was about to laugh thinking that had to be a joke, but seeing Stef’s earnest look, she realized it was not. Stef was serious. “I am sure we’ll be ok.”

“So, are you going to help or just look at my bookshelves?” Lena teased.

Stef turned red, “Well, I am going to look at your bookshelves, your walls, and your floors before I come over to help you.” Stef recovered quickly and went to join Lena in the kitchen.

“I am getting the feeling you don’t cook much?” Lena inquired as she checked on the food in her oven.

Stef shrugged, “No, it’s not my forte.”

“Can you make a salad?” Lena waved a tossing fork Stef’s way.

“I think I can manage that. I do ok in the kitchen, I can make food but it’s not a meal. You know?” Stef took the fork from Lena’s hand.

“Hmm, I guess. It’s funny because, I want to cook but all I end up doing is making food for myself.”

Stef couldn’t hold her curiosity back any longer, “Have you been married?”

‘So Stef hadn’t guessed yet,’ Lena thought. Lena was not worried about being outed at work. Her contract had a non-discrimination clause. She had never hidden her sexuality. Still, she liked keeping things separate. On the other hand, it might scare Stef off and that might be better for both of them. “No, I have not. I haven’t been lucky enough to find the right…” Lena hesitated, “person.”

“I am struggling with marriage now. If this ends, I never want to get married again.” Stef could not imagine going through this failure again. Her son was the only good thing to come out of it. The whole thing had been a debacle from the beginning.

Lena frowned. “Well, in truth I can’t really consider it. It’s not legal.” Might as well get this over with. Stef was a straight woman and if this scared her off, the quicker the better.

Stef looked confused. “Legal?”

Lena smiled, of course Stef would make it hard for her, “You know… two women getting married.”

Stef looked dejected. Lena’s own expression changed in the uncomfortable silence that followed. Stef looked at Lena, ‘of course,’ she thought. All the signs pointed to that. She had known in the back of her head. It should make a difference, two women getting married. It was wrong. Yet, here looking at Lena, it just didn’t matter. Lena was still Lena, charming, intelligent, kind and beautiful. “Oh,” and Stef felt as stupid as that sounded.

“Is it a problem?” Lena wanted an end to this torture now. If Stef would walk out, it would be better if she did it right now. It would be for the best.

Shifting on her feet, Stef made a decision. “Of course not.” And then in a moment of rare honesty, “I think I knew that.” Stef could not look at those dark eyes and purposely deceive.

Lena raised her eyebrows in response. ‘Seems like Stef can surprise me.’ “Jenna and Kelly?”

“That was a big clue.” This entire conversation was dislodging old memories, she thought of Tess Brown. She quickly shook the thought away

“It’s really not going to be a problem, is it?” Now that it was out there, she needed to know it would be ok.

“No, it’s really not.” Of this Stef felt certain. Lena’s presence was something she was beginning to crave and nothing would get in the way of that. “Is it a problem for you? At work, I mean.”

Lena was often asked this question. “No, my boss knows. It’s protected by my contract. I feel safe, but I don’t broadcast it either.”

“I can imagine.” And she did. Before the book club, she might have had her own doubts about an educator of that persuasion.

Lena studied Stef carefully. She wondered what was going on in that pretty head of hers. In spite of all the warning signs, Lena still found Stef extremely attractive. Those hazel eyes, the blonde bangs framing her strong features. She longed to let her fingers get lost in that long blonde hair. 

Stef got caught in Lena’s stare, she felt her own eyes wonder down to those full lips. Lena had such a great big smile, but at this moment, she wasn’t smiling. Her lips were slightly parted, her breathing heavy. As Lena’s tongue caressed her bottom lip, Stef snapped out of it and quickly looked down.

“It has its benefits.” Lena decided on teasing to break the tension.

Stef was out of sorts again, “What does?”

Lena laughed again, “lesbianism.”

This time Stef was really speechless. She didn’t have a chance to pick up her jaw off the floor before Lena walked away laughing. Stef stayed in the kitchen, pondering the news. Lena was gay. Lena liked women. Lena had girlfriends. She looked around the kitchen and noticed the pictures again. This time each picture of Lena with a strange woman took on a different meaning. Lena’s arm casually resting on a shoulder, suddenly seemed intimate. Had that been a girlfriend? Did Lena have a girlfriend now? No, she didn’t think so. Stef had seen no evidence of someone important in Lena’s life. Everything suggested that Lena lived alone. Her thoughts were interrupted by a door bell. Soon after, she heard Kelly’s voice in the distance.

Kelly had arrived a little early as well. “I was concerned about Lena,” she added as she dropped some bags on the kitchen table. “I know I kind of pushed this book club on her.” What she didn’t say was that she was concerned about Lena in more ways than one. She didn’t think Lena should have too much alone time with one Stef Foster.

Lena seemed oblivious, as she continued her food preparations. She enjoyed being a hostess and it had been a long time. Her ex, Gretchen, was always socializing, but very rarely at home. Restaurants and traveling were more her style. In contrast, Lena enjoyed her home. She liked coming home to the same house every night. With that thought, Lena finally acknowledged Kelly’s words, “You need not have worried, I could have handled it on my own. But thanks to two lovely ladies, I am now over prepared.”

Stef couldn’t help the blush that crept up her neck as Lena called her lovely. Kelly didn’t miss the dreamy stare Stef was throwing Lena’s way. Something had changed. She hoped for Lena’s sake that Stef wasn’t doing some experimenting.


	8. Opening Up

It had been a tough night for Stef, Lena had seemed to ignore her for most of the time. Each time she tried to catch her eye, Lena would look away. Lena would ask general questions directed at other members, but never Stef. After the evening was over, Lena ushered people out quickly and excused herself with a headache. Later, at home, Stef tried to go to sleep but struggled with thoughts of Lena. ‘She’s a lesbian,’ echoed in her head. At the same time, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she had offended Lena somehow. She could not deal with hurting Lena or putting a frown on her face.

After a sleepless night, things weren’t any clearer. Lena’s phone number was burning a hole in Stef’s pocket. Her efforts to spot Lena at school had failed. She had picked up Brandon, hoping for a glimpse of the taller woman. She did not see her even after hanging around long after the last bell. Eventually, she made it home and sat at her kitchen table, phone in hand, wondering if she should call.

“Hello,” Lena answered the phone without hesitation.

“Um… hi… it’s… um…” Stef steeled herself and sat up straighter. “Stef Foster.”

“Stef… hi. How are you?” Lena was surprised to hear from her so soon after the confusing evening. Lena had ridden highs and lows all night long.

“Um…” Stef sighed, once again in a bind. She did not want to tell the truth but could not outright lie to Lena. “That’s why I am calling. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve upset you and well, now I am upset.”

If Lena was surprised to hear her bluntness, she didn’t show it. “You didn’t upset me.”

“Are you sure?” Stef needed to be sure.

Now, it was Lena’s turn to sigh. “I am sure, but I guess I worried about how you took the news about me.”

Stef smiled, “I will admit that I’ve never really met gay women before but it doesn’t mean that I have a problem with your or with Kelly.”

“I’ve lost friendships over this. That’s not to say we’re friends exactly.” Lena didn’t know why she kept this conversation going. It was dangerous to continue this relationship, but each time she pulled away, Stef drew her right back in.

“We’re not? I can’t help but feel like we are, like I’ve known you,” Stef hesitated, “from before.” From the second she saw Lena, she had felt a chord pulling them together, there was something so familiar and yet strange about their connection.

“Yeah, but we hardly know each other.” Lena would remain logical.

“That can be remedied. I was born and raised in San Diego.”

“A local gal? I was born in the bay area, Berkeley to be specific. I came to UC San Diego and just never left the area. I kind of wanted to get away from my family.” Lena found herself admitting something she had not shared with anyone.

Sensing that Lena was opening up, Stef found herself doing the same. “I didn’t leave my city but I did the same thing. I think that’s why I married Mike, why I joined the force so young.”

“You didn’t want to go to college?” Lena had sensed Stef’s intelligence and could not guess why she had not pursued higher education.

“I wasn’t raised that way. My family was,” Stef struggled to find the right words, “I just… didn’t prepare. When I turned eighteen, I found myself with a desperate need to get away from my dad. The force seemed like a place where I could do some good.” Stef didn’t add how hard it had been to leave and convince her dad that a woman could handle herself as a police officer. “Maybe… I also wanted to piss off my dad.” Stef could not see Lena’s wince as she heard the crude word.

“You wanted to make your dad mad?” Lena’s educational training took over as she rephrased Stef, hoping for nicer words.

“Yeah, but mostly, I thought I could help people.” Stef did not catch the redirection.

“I can relate to that. I don’t know many people who think being a teacher is a great thing anymore. I love kids, I really wanted to help them.” Lena sighed, her mom had been especially critical of her choices. Teachers did not make enough money, it was a waste of her intelligence... “Maybe… I did it to make my mom mad.” Lena echoed Stef’s earlier sentiment.

This time, Stef did catch the slight rephrasing. She smiled, “You don’t say bad words, do you?”

Lena laughed, “No, I really don’t. You do, don’t you?”

“Tons.” Stef was a police officer after all. The station’s environment was probably the complete opposite of a school. “If you would like, I could try to avoid it around you. I am trying with Brandon. It’s hard.”

Lena loved that Stef was willing to do that for her, “Well, if we’re going to be friends, I think I would appreciate that.”

“I am going to take the ‘if’ right out of your statement and promise to clean up my language.” Stef was filled with warmth at the thought of getting closer to this amazing woman.

Lena absorbed the warmth and responded in kind, “Deal. I am not going to question our friendship anymore.”

“Excellent. So, friend, how about coming to my house to help me set up for the club? I am not nearly the hostess you are and I will need some help.”

“So that’s what this is about? Eh?” Lena teased.

“Absolutely, you found me out.” Stef paused, feeling relieved. “Well, now I think I can rest peacefully this afternoon, if Brandon lets me.”

“I have it on good authority that the kids were on the yard today so you might get lucky and he’s real tired.” Lena hated to admit that she kept an eye out for Brandon. She did not want to give any kid special treatment, but she had promised Stef and she needed to see it through. Brandon would be ok.

“Good. I will let you be. Have a good night.”

“You too Stef.” Lena hung up first and had to stuff the butterflies down, they were threatening to fly right out of her belly.

They began talking on the phone daily. Neither of them realized, but soon they were reaching for the phone to share the happenings of their daily lives. Stef quickly learned that Lena could not handle talking about violence. She would tread carefully when talking about her job, generalizing instead of going into the gruesome details.

Lena learned that Stef did not want to talk about Mike or her marriage. The topic seemed to be out of reach.  It was frustrating to no end. Lena wanted to know the state of things but it was as if Stef herself didn’t know.

Soon it was Sunday again and Stef was not ready to play hostess. Stef tried her best to get Sharon out of the house early. She was taking Brandon to her apartment for the evening, but for some reason, Sharon wasn’t budging. She was lingering, making excuses to hang around. She stalled for so long, that finally Stef’s worst case scenario came true. Lena was knocking at the door. Stef’s palms became sweaty, her mom would be meeting Lena.

Stef let Lena in the door and quickly addressed the other woman, “My mother is here.”

Those words cut right through Lena, ‘Mother!’ She looked around and spotted a small redhead rushing towards her, “Hi, Mrs. Foster.”

“Just Sharon,” Sharon rushed over and shook Lena’s hand. Her daughter was right, this was a beautiful woman. A beautiful black woman. Frank would be pissed off.

“Nice to meet you Sharon. I am Lena Adams.” Lena forwent the official title, seeing as she was on a social call.

“Lena, yes, Stef has talked a lot about you.” Sharon couldn’t help but speak from the heart and Stef looked ready to shoot her for it.

Lena blushed a little and looked away. “Nice things I hope.”

Right then Brandon came out of his room and spotted Lena. “Ms. Adams, Ms. Adams.” He ran to her and nearly jumped in her arms before he realized where she was. He stopped dead on his tracks. He looked worried.

Lena recognized the fear right away. “I am just visiting your mom. You’re not in trouble or anything.” Relief quickly flooded the little boy and he ran to hug Lena.

“Well, well, seems like he knows you well.” Stef smiled at the obvious affection between the two.

Lena blushed again, embarrassed by the evidence that she’d been paying Brandon more attention than she should have. She checked on him as often as she could. She’d managed to do Kinder yard duty more days than not. “He’s easy to get to know.”

Stef looked on tenderly and Lena met her gaze and held it. Sharon felt as if she were interrupting and maybe she was. She had accomplished her mission for the night so she decided to give them privacy. “Well, I am off. See you later. Brandon let’s go.” The boy looked disappointed about missing out time with the other adults, but he quickly hugged both women goodbye and left with Sharon.

Stef quickly apologized, “Sorry, she was supposed to be gone.”

“It’s OK, I enjoyed seeing Brandon. He’s such a great kid. I can tell you’re a great mom.”

Now, it was Stef’s turn to blush. “Thanks, it’s been tough recently, but me and B are getting through it.”

“You are and we’re going to make sure Brandon continues doing well.” Lena reassured Stef with a quick touch of her hand.

Stef felt Lena’s support and could say with certainty that she had never felt less alone. Once again, she was struck by Lena’s honest offers. “Yes we are.”

They settled in the kitchen preparing the food and soon found themselves in a rhythm. They found it easy to occupy the same space and anticipate each other’s needs. Lena was not familiar with Stef’s apartment but she was actively discovering the nooks and crannies of her kitchen. Lena had always felt that the kitchen was the heart of a home. This was no different. She was enjoying working side by side with Stef, until her eyes landed on the fridge. Sweet pictures of Stef and Brandon were displayed, but also present were pictures of the little perfect heterosexual family. ‘Mike,’ yeah that was his name. She’d never seen him. Months into the school year and she still hadn’t met him. And yet, Stef was married to this man. She wondered how often he came over to see her. She didn’t want to think about it, but Lena quickly wondered if they were still sleeping together. The pictures were evidence that things were more on than off.

After a prolonged silence, Stef followed Lena’s line of sight. She was looking at pictures of Mike. For some reason, she did not want to think of these two people at the same time. Lena was beginning to take over a large place in her life, a soft, warm place. Thoughts of Mike only brought regret. “Hey don’t forget the bread in the oven,” she called out, hoping to pull Lena from her reverie.

“I won’t forget,” Lena said, but she wasn’t referring to the oven. The incident broke the easy comradery and conversation changed to more neutral topics

Soon, the other members of the club arrived. Kelly noticed that throughout the meeting, Stef could not keep her eyes away from Lena. She laughed and nodded at every comment Lena made. Lena on the other hand tried very hard not to look at Stef unless Stef was talking. It was obvious to Kelly that Lena was still trying to avoid the obvious. When the gathering was over, Kelly offered to clean up but Stef refused her help. It was as if Stef wanted time alone with Lena.

When they were done cleaning up, Stef offered Lena some coffee. “Mom won’t be back for a bit, maybe you’d like a cup of coffee before heading off?

Lena hesitated but she found it really difficult to say no to one Stef Foster.

“OK, one cup.” She smiled.

Stef face lit up with a smile of her own. They sat on the couch, cups in hands.

“I wanted to thank you for all your help.” Stef met Lena’s gaze, wanting her meaning to sink in.

Lena felt the stare all the way down to her tip toes, “No problem. You practically forced me to.”

Stef laughed, “Forced? I didn’t even get my handcuffs out.” Suddenly the thought of cuffs embarrassed them both.

After a long silence, Lena added, “I am glad you didn’t! But really, I am happy to help. I enjoyed it.” ‘I’d help you do anything,’ Lena thought, once again getting lost in Stef’s eyes.

Stef was overwhelmed with the need to touch Lena. She reached over to cover Lena’s hand with her own. She held her hand and marveled at how their hands fit together, how soft Lena’s skin was. She loved the contrasts of their skin. Without even realizing it, she began caressing her hand, running her fingers tenderly over Lena’s. She hadn’t realized how much she needed this, till it was happening. Lena’s presence brought her such peace and a sense of rightness. From the beginning, Stef had felt a need to have physical contact with Lena. And now, she marveled at the intimate feeling of her touches.

Suddenly, Lena coughed, “So how’s Mike?”

Lena’s words were like a bucket of cold water. Nothing could have been further from Stef’s mind. “Mike. Yeah, he’s OK. I guess.” They both pulled their hands away.

“You guess? Don’t you know?” Lena needed to know something about that relationship.

“I haven’t really seen him.” The moment was lost and Stef could only focus on how close she’d been to Lena, how empty her hand felt now. A feeling she’d never felt before was suddenly one she could not live without.

Lena sighed and resigned herself. “Ok, I have to get going. Thanks for the coffee.” She stood up and felt Stef try to hold on to her but Lena moved quickly towards the kitchen. She needed to escape.

Stef didn’t know how it all happened so fast. One minute she was sitting with Lena, touching Lena, next thing she knew, the other woman was gone.


	9. Tess Brown

“Lena, come on, tell me what you’re cooking. I am hungry and need some inspiration.”

“It’s just a salad.  Some tomatoes, kale, broccoli.”

“That’s some salad. If I was there, would you share it with me?”

Sharon’s loud footsteps were not enough to disturb her daughter’s conversation. Stef was completely engrossed in her chat with Lena. If Sharon didn’t know any better, she would definitely say that her daughter was flirting. Perhaps it was time for Sharon to have a conversation with Stef about Tess Brown. Did her daughter remember the incident at all? Sharon could never forget it. She had never told Stef, but the situation had played a large part in her decision to leave her husband. She regretted not fighting for Stef, not standing up to Frank. Stef had been so young and innocent. Sharon hadn’t known the real nature of her daughter’s relationship with Tess. At the time, Frank hadn’t been the only one who had questioned how close those two were.

But Frank had been convinced. He’d railed at Sharon for hours about how he would not allow their daughter to become a heathen. When he sent her away to that priest, Pastor Dan, Sharon had known it was wrong but didn’t know how to stop it. Some things couldn’t be prayed away.

Now, years later, Stef was getting close to another woman… again. This time, the stakes were higher, Stef was married. Sharon needed more information to perhaps find a little redemption.

“Ok fine, I have to go too. Mom’s here. I’ll talk to you soon,” Stef laughed, “You’re probably right.” After a short pause, Stef continued, “Ok. You hang up then.” Stef reluctantly put the phone down and looked at her mom.

“You’re talking to her a lot.” Sharon tried not to sound judgmental.

Stef still felt the sting of it, “What of it?”

“Nothing, just remarking. Did you ever find out?” Sharon spoke carefully.

Stef was on guard, “Find out what?”

“Is she married?” ‘Get to the point,’ Sharon mused.

Stef groaned. She thought about lying, but somehow she felt like she would not honor Lena if she did that. Stef could not do that, ever, not to Lena, not about Lena. “No, she’s gay.” As soon as the words were out, Stef began to worry. Suddenly, the memories came back. Tess Brown. She breathed heavily in anticipation of what her mother would say.

“Oh.” It was as Sharon had feared.

“That’s it?” Stef challenged. “Not gonna send me away?”

“Stef.” Sharon had not expected this reaction. She hoped Stef was prepared for what was to come. Sharon hoped that she herself was equipped to handle all that was to come. She loved her daughter and wanted her to be happy.

“Stef, what? I can’t have female friends? I'm going to hell. Do you think I forgot that you and dad sent me away after Tess Brown and I got close.” Stef had tried not to think of that time in her life. It was so humiliating to be accused of something she had not done. She and Tess Brown had not ever done more than cuddle. There had'nt been anything gay between them. They were best friends who cared about each other, more than anything. Her father had ruined that, tainted it, made it dirty. She was not about to allow that to happen again.

“No, Stef. That was not my idea. And you’ll never know how much I regret allowing your dad to do that to you. You had every right to explore and be who you were.” Sharon needed to apologize.

“I wasn’t exploring mom. It was friendship.” Stef had to make sure that was clear.

Sharon shook her head. “It doesn’t matter Stef. You needed to live your life, let it reach its own conclusions. We had no right to interfere. It was wrong.”

“Mom, what are you trying to say?” Stef wasn’t trying to be dense on purpose.

Sharon swallowed, “I am trying to say that I don’t think being gay is a sin. I am trying to say that now, with Lena, you have a chance to figure out if what you had with Tess could have been more.”

Stef tried to say something, but she was speechless. She opened and closed her mouth several times and no words came out.  After several seconds, she finally spoke, “You think…” Stef stopped again, struggling to find the right words, “you think I like women?”

“What I think is not the issue. What matters here is what you think. Look, I am going to go. I think I’ve said enough.” Her intention had been to get Stef thinking, not to argue. Sharon quickly exited, grabbing her purse, not letting Stef have a chance to even think about stopping her. Stef needed to face this. Her future was on the line.

‘Why did everyone think that she had something going on with Tess?’ They had been friends, best friends. It was true that neither of them had been dating. Stef had been part of the basketball team and Tess had been a forward on the team. As point guard and team captain, Stef had always felt in charge of all her teammates. But Tess had been special, Tess made her laugh, made her feel funny and charming. She laughed at every one of her jokes.

Most of their interactions had come at school until senior year. They had both been worried about leaving high school. Basketball season had been over, so they had to find excuses to hang out. She had been afraid, so afraid of losing Tess. Tess had been a good enough player to get scholarships at a university. Stef hadn’t had such prospects. She hadn’t thought that far. They'd both felt the urgency of their impending separation. They would sit on the couch, watching TV, listening to music. Often, they would end up holding hands or simply lying on each other’s legs.

One such afternoon, Tess had been sitting on the couch. Stef had lain down across the couch, her head on Tess’ lap. Tess had been caressing her hair. Nothing had ever felt so soft, so good. It had been relaxing and dreamy. Her dad had walked in right at that moment and had practically thrown Tess out. He'd started yelling, calling Tess a dyke. Both girls had been horrified at Frank’s anger. Then it all turned surreal, as he grabbed Stef’s hand and began praying for the salvation of her soul. He had immediately called Pastor Dan Nichols and arranged a short stay for Stef. He didn’t leave her alone once, no chance to call Tess, to explain.

She never hung out with Tess again, both of them knew that they were to stay far away from each other. At the time, Stef didn’t know what had been worse, the humiliation of being berated by some priest about being gay or losing Tess. And in that moment, Stef realized that the mourning she was doing now for her marriage was nothing compared to the ache of losing Tess.  That had to mean something. And now, Lena was becoming her sunshine, her happiness. Stef knew without a doubt that Lena was something special in her life, her feelings for Lena were intense and confusing.

Pastor Dan Nichols and her dad had made sure that Stef never got to analyze her feelings. They’d separated her from Tess and made sure she’d grimace each time she thought about lesbians. And now her friends were lesbians, why was this topic coming up again?

Stef spent an entire day thinking of all these things and she could only come to one conclusion, she needed to see Lena. Life was confusing, Stef was irritable and only one person could provide comfort. So she did the only thing she could think of, she called Lena over so they could hang out at the park.

“Thanks for coming. Brandon really needed a break.” Stef hoped Lena could not sense the desperation she had felt about seeing her.

“It was my pleasure.” Lena said meaningfully.

They sat down on the grass, close to the sandbox and watched Brandon run around the small playground. “You don’t seem OK,” Lena commented. It was unusual for the boisterous cop to be so out of sorts. She was silent and broody. Lena couldn’t help but miss Stef’s non-stop humor. She seemed younger and vulnerable.

“It’s my dad. I am just thinking about him a lot.” Lena’s generous demeanor made it safe for Stef to open up. Looking in those dark eyes was exactly like falling, knowing there was a net at the bottom of those brown depths.

“The one you ran from as an adult?”

“The very one. He is a very religious man…” Stef stopped herself, realizing she didn’t know this about Lena. “You’re not religious are you?”

Lena raised her eyebrows, “lesbians aren’t usually tight with god.” Stef laughed, knowing all too well the truth in that statement. “Really though,” Lena continued more seriously, “I wasn’t raised that way, so it’s not like I miss church or something. You?”

Stef sighed, she shook her head, “I did grow up like that. Sin this, sin that. I can’t seem to get away from it, but I have tried. My father, he uh,” Stef didn’t want to reveal too much, she just wasn’t ready. “He made sure that I turned my back on the church. I haven’t looked back. My dad, he is still very much involved and that’s part of the wedge between us. I’ll just never be good enough.”

Lena could certainly relate to that. She placed her hand on Stef’s, not out of a sense of intimacy but comfort and understanding. “He’s missing out,” Lena smiled.

Stef smiled and tried to stifle a yawn, “I just wish I wasn’t so tired.” She hadn’t slept a wink all night.

Lena wondered why Stef hadn’t just stayed at home, instead of taking Brandon to a park. “Why don’t you lie down?”

Stef looked around and frowned, “Doesn’t really compare to my couch.”

Lena guessed she shouldn’t, but she couldn’t help but offer, “There’s my lap…”

Stef didn’t have to be told twice. She quickly lay down and placed her head on Lena’s soft thigh. She closed her eyes and soon felt soft fingers caressing her hair. She looked up and locked gazes with Lena. Instantly, it all came flooding back. She’d been in that spot before.  She’d thought more about that one moment in time in the last day, than she had in her entire life. Tess Brown looking down at her, much like Lena was doing now. No, not quite like Lena. Lena was looking down at Stef with a tenderness that she could never have imagined. Stef closed her eyes and remembered. And just like that, she knew that both Tess and Lena had looked at her with desire. For the first time, Stef felt ready to admit something she’d never been able to admit to anyone, including herself. She probably had the same look on her face. She had been attracted to Tess and she was attracted to Lena. She leaned in towards Lena’s hand and tried to enjoy the feelings, really feel them for the first time.  She felt the tender touch of a woman, Lena’s delicate slim fingers smoothing her hair. Stef opened her eyes and found Lena’s brown eyes burning into her.  Now, she could feel as the feminine look caressed her features and touched her very soul. Leaning on Lena’s lap, she had never felt as close to another human being as she did in that moment, feeling their connection through the heat of Lena’s leg, the silken graze of Lena’s long fingers, and the heat of their shared look.

“Mommy,” Brandon’s shriek pierced through both their consciousness and promptly ended the moment between the two women. Stef looked over and saw Brandon lying down on the sand. She didn’t get a chance to even glance at Lena, as her motherly instinct took over and she rushed towards her son. She didn’t see the regret on Lena’s soft features, right before Lena herself reacted and also went to take care of Brandon.

“Are you ok sweetie?” Stef reached her son in time to see him looking at a scrape on his knee. As soon as he saw it and then looked back at his mom, he began to weep. He cried and cried, nothing Stef could say seemed to console him.

Lena looked at the scene and didn’t know if she should interfere. She took out a tissue from her purse and decided that she might as well try. “Brandon,” the Vice-Principal’s voice carried enough authority to get the boy to stop for a second and look her way.  “Look at what I have in my purse.” She showed him the tissue, “It’s special, from the nurse. It’s what she uses to clean up kids when they come into her office.” This seemed to get Brandon’s attention and Stef watched in wonder as he allowed Lena to wipe the wound clean. The blood was soon gone and the boy had stopped crying.

“Well, look at that. The nurse sure knows what she’s doing,” Stef commented hoping the incident was over.

“I’ve been to the nurse before. She’s very nice.” Brandon brightened at the memory.

“You were very brave,” Lena added. This pleased Brandon and his attention was soon focused on the ice cream truck circling the park.

“Could I have some ice cream?” Stef and Lena looked at each other and silently communicated the shared feeling that Brandon was taking advantage of the situation. They smiled at each other and nodded in agreement.

“Sure Brandon, let’s go.” Stef grabbed Brandon’s hand and began to walk him towards the vendor. She smiled when Brandon used his other hand to reach for Lena’s hand and tug her along as well.

Lena didn’t miss that the visual they were making was the living representation of all she’d ever dreamed of. A beautiful woman to raise a family with. Suddenly, she didn’t know what she was playing at. She should not have touched Stef or allowed her to lay on her lap. And now she shouldn’t be bonding with someone else’s family. This couldn’t possibly end well.


	10. A Date and a Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting towards the end of the stuff I feel strongly about. The rest, I am not as confident about. So... fair warning.

“Come on Lena, spill it.” Kelly knew something was going on between her book club friends.

“Nothing to spill. I’ve told you.” Lena shook her head in denial.

“I don’t believe it. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other.” Kelly was insistent.

Lena sighed. She couldn’t deny that she felt something, but Stef was an enigma. “You know how straight women are. They become fascinated with a lesbian but it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Maybe, but what does she mean to you?”

‘Everything,’ Lena nearly came out with that word. “I like her. I am not going to deny it, but it’s not going to happen. I probably should try to date someone else, get her off my mind.”

“You know that Jenna and I have been trying to set you up for a while.” Kelly started a conversation she’d had many times with Lena.

With a groan, Lena realized that it was probably a wise thing to do. “I suppose I should try. It can’t hurt.”

“It really can’t.” Actually, Kelly thought, it might give Stef an excuse to kick into gear. “I have some women in mind, but please don’t blame me if they don’t work out.”

Lena laughed for the first time that evening, “Now I am worried about the kind of women we’re talking about.”

“They’re gay, there’s that. They’re not married, that’s another good thing.” Kelly smiled, hoping she wasn’t pushing Lena too far.

Lena sighed, thinking of the only woman she wanted to date. “Fine, fine.” It was for the best.

* * *

 

Stef woke up in a panic. She had the most terrifying dream. Actually, it hadn’t been a horrible dream, on the contrary, it had been the most sensuous moment of her life. She’d dreamed of Lena’s soft lips on her own, her slight touch trailing down her naked body. She didn’t know how they’d gotten there or what else they could do but she’d never felt anything like it. When she woke up, she could feel herself, wet and wanton and very scared. ‘All this talk of lesbians has me confused,’ Stef deduced. ‘How am I supposed to face Lena after this dream?’

Stef went to her bathroom sink and splashed her face with cold water. She looked in the mirror and the woman in front of her was a stranger. She had never felt so out of control. She was discovering things about herself that were so buried, only someone like Lena could have unearthed them. Lena with her sweet temperament, her tender smile and endless patience had reached down into Stef’s core and stirred her emotions. She had invaded her mind and overwhelmed her senses. Even now in her confusion and distraction, Stef could only think of seeing Lena. She needed to see her, talk to her, listen to her. Maybe they could hang out with Brandon again, see a movie.

She picked up the phone, unable to resist the temptation.

“Lena Adams,” came the prompt reply.

“Hi, Lena, it’s Stef.”

Instead of the usual warm greeting, Lena offered hesitancy, “Oh… hi. Stef.”

“Yeah… hi.” Stef didn’t know how to react to the sudden icy greeting. “Um, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight, watch a movie.”

Lena wanted nothing more than to agree and spend every second she could with Stef, but she knew she shouldn’t. “I can’t.” She decided to go for broke. “I am going out…” Lena sighed, “…on a date.”

Stef was stunned into a silence. ‘A date?’ She thought. When her mind caught up, all she could manage was, “With a woman?”

Lena chuckled a bit at that, “Yes a woman. I am a lesbian. Remember?”

This time Stef let out quick laugh. How could she forget? It was all she thought about. “Yes, I remember. I am just. I didn’t… um. I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”

“I wasn’t. It’s something new.” Lena wasn’t about to admit that it was essentially a blind date.

It just hadn’t occurred to her. Of course she would date, Lena was the most beautiful woman she’d ever met. Women would certainly be lined up to go out with her. Well, if lesbians had any sense. ‘They must like women like this,’ she mused. Who wouldn’t find Lena attractive? “New…” The stab of pain in her heart was entirely unfamiliar.

“We’ll have to do it another time then. Listen. I gotta go.” Lena promptly got off the phone and leaned over her desk, resting her head over her own crossed arms. She felt like crying. Her heart was breaking for no reason. Stef didn’t want her. She wasn’t even gay. She needed to move on.

Later that day, Stef sat in her house with Brandon at her side. They were going to watch a video together. Stef tried to put herself in the mood but the truth was that her mind was somewhere else. Her mind was on Lena and her date, her woman. Would Lena be picking this woman up, would they kiss hello? Stef’s imagination took hold of her and the images were flooding in, one after the other. This other woman would be extremely beautiful, educated and confident. She would bring out Lena’s dazzling smile and shy looks. Would Lena take her home? Were they that close already? Stef thought she knew jealousy, but she’d never experienced anything like this. Her heart was burning an ache into her soul. She felt wounded and rejected. She had nothing to offer Lena.

“Mommy, are you going to turn on the movie?”

“Yes, baby, I am going to. I am sorry.”

“Is Ms. Adams going to come? You said she might.” Brandon was innocent and obviously as taken with Lena as she was.

“No baby. She’s not. She had made other plans.” And once again, visions of said plans invaded her senses. She saw it all so clearly, Lena holding this woman’s hand. They would walk into the restaurant as if they owned it.  It was all too painful to consider. She reached for the remote and started the animated torture. Hopefully, the story wouldn’t include any romance. She didn’t think she could take it today.

Lena was struggling in a very different way. Kelly and Jenna had set her up with a beautiful, lovely woman named Miriam. She was gorgeous, educated, everything she could want in a woman. Except, Lena wanted Stef. She tried very hard to keep up with the conversation. She smiled when appropriate and tried to ask questions. Miriam seemed unaware of Lena’s turmoil.

Throughout the date, Miriam smiled and laughed at all the right things. She was enjoying every aspect of Lena’s personality. She respected her choice in food and wine.  She was reluctant to end the date and ended up gallantly paying for the bill, despite Lena’s numerous objections.

When Miriam dropped her off, she walked Lena to her door, hoping to sneak a kiss goodnight. Lena was not one to kiss on the first date and deftly dodged any attempt to get close. The failure did not keep Miriam from wanting another shot at gaining Lena’s affection. “Would you like to go out again sometime soon?”

Lena needed to be honest with herself. Tonight had been a disaster. Miriam was a great woman but she wasn’t Stef. Lena could not date another woman at this point because her heart was with Stef. She needed to get her out of her mind and heart before involving another woman. “I am sorry. I thought I was ready to date, but I am not.”

“Another woman?” Miriam could finally see what she’d been missing all night. Lena’s faraway look, her distraction. It all made sense now. She’d been blinded by Lena’s spirit and beauty.

Lena sighed, “You could say that.”

“Well, I am sorry too. If you ever feel ready, give me a call.” Miriam leaned in for a quick peck on the cheek and bid Lena farewell.

Lena wondered why she’d have to be so unlucky in love. She always fell for the wrong women and when the right women walked into her life, they always had terrible timing.

Stef was enjoying similar luck. She could not stop thinking of Lena and the strange woman who might be kissing her now. By the time she put Brandon to bed, she had to admit that she was jealous. The thought of Lena and someone else was enough to drive her insane. She never wanted Lena to touch anyone or to be touched by anyone. The strange possessiveness was not something she’d experienced before. Sleep evaded Stef’s reach, images of Lena were floating in her mind. She felt on the cusp of something, as if she had to do something before she went crazy. Stef had felt this way before, when she left her home. She’d felt restless and desperate. When the police force held its recruitment at the high school, Stef had found her calling. Now, a different kind of calling haunted her. She needed Lena and that’s something she couldn’t deny any longer.

The early Sunday morning light ended Stef’s torment. She needed to talk to Lena. She finally decided that 9 AM was a perfectly good time to call someone who was used to waking up early for school. She picked up the phone 10 times before finally dialing the numbers. She hadn’t even been able to drink her coffee. Her stomach was awash with butterflies. Their huge wings wreaking havoc on her empty stomach.

“Hello,” Lena was as wide awake as Stef.

“Lena, um… hi.” Stef’s nerves were betraying her bravado.

“Stef.” The name alone had an immediate effect on Lena, her heart was thudding and her mouth had suddenly gone dry.

“Are you alone… I mean how are you? I don’t want to disturb.” In her nervousness, Stef had asked the one question that she had told herself not to ask.

“It’s fine, I am alone.” Lena couldn’t help but chuckle at the question.

“Oh, I mean. I worried that I was interrupting your date or something.” Sighing her frustration, Stef decided to just stop speaking.

“Ah no, it wasn’t that kind of date. It just didn’t work out.” Lena could no more lie to Stef than to treat her badly. It just wasn’t part of how she felt about the blonde.

“Oh good.” Stef’s relief escaped her mouth before she could stop it. “I mean bad. I mean, I am sorry for you.”

Lena laughed, Stef had a way of just making everything better.

Suddenly relieved, Stef finally let the tension in her body go. She was emboldened once again, “Book club is tonight.”

Lena shook her head. She had decided that maybe it was time to stop spending so much time with Stef. “I was thinking of not going.”

“What? No, you can’t leave me alone with them.” Stef implored, desperate to hold on to any part of Lena.

“You were fine with them before.” Lena pointed out.

“Yeah, but you are so wonderful in there that you’ve ruined it for me.  Come on. I need you.” Stef pouted.

Lena’s conviction faded as soon as she heard the plea. “Ok, fine.”

“Great, I’ll pick you up at 6.” Stef was soaring with her success.

“Pick me up?”

“Oh yeah, we’re riding together, parking’s tough at Megan’s.” Stef decided that a little white lie wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“Stef, hmm…” Lena wasn’t sure that it was a good idea but like most things involving the young cop, Lena was unable to deny her anything. “Ok, fine again.”

Stef’s euphoria could not be contained as she hung up with Lena. She wanted to buy a new outfit. She wanted a haircut, but it was too late for all that. She could head to the mall to see if she could at least find a nice sweater for the evening.

Lena spent the better part of an hour looking through her closet for just the right thing to wear. She felt comfortable in her professional clothes. She felt attractive and in charge. She also loved her most comfortable pair of jeans and a nice blouse. After trying out things she might wear on a date, she decided on jeans. This was not a date, would never be a date. She needed to tone down her expectations. By the time Stef knocked on her door, Lena was awash in regret. She shouldn’t be anywhere near Stef. However, all that went out the window as soon as she saw Stef enter her house wearing tight jeans that showcased all her assets.

“Lena…” Stef was equally struck by the elegance the educator managed to carry in the most casual of clothes.

“Stef…” Lena sighed, she was so perfect.

“Are you ready to go, I mean, we could hang out for a bit. There’s a little time.” Stef was beginning to ramble.

Lena grabbed her purse before she changed her mind. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Stef felt on edge, every nerve in her body was alive. She’d never been aware of anyone as much as she’d been aware of Lena that evening. She noticed everything, her body was vibrating with the knowledge of Lena’s body. She’d been staring at her all night, noticing each and every thing about her. Her hair was luscious, her skin luminous, her smile dazzling. She sat next to her and tried not to faint each time she smelled Lena’s scent, a mixture of her shampoo, perfume and lotion. She was finally ready to acknowledge an attraction to a woman. Everything about Lena was so irresistible.

At the end of the evening, Lena found herself at her doorstep once again. For the second night in a row, Lena was struggling to keep a woman at arm’s length. This time it was for very different reasons. She’d felt Stef’s attention all night and it was intoxicating. Stef doted on her. She’d anticipated each and every one of Lena’s needs. She’d gotten her wine before her mind had even registered the need. Stef had already noticed her favorite crackers and had made sure Lena’s snack plate always had a few on it. But it was Stef’s warm gaze that had been almost unbearable. She’d felt the slow caress of her eyes as they lingered on her features every second of the evening.

“Well, thanks for driving me.” Lena stopped right at the front door and hoped Stef wouldn’t ask for more.

“It was my pleasure.” Stef replied, the tone of her voice on the word pleasure sent tingles down Lena’s body. Stef had no idea how any of this might work, but she wanted to be invited inside.

“Um… yeah.” Lena could not respond and couldn’t react as her body unconsciously leaned towards Stef.

Stef didn’t need much encouragement. She took a step towards Lena and found herself so close that she found it hard to focus on anything but her lips. Stef could smell her skin and the sweetness of her breath. She found herself reaching with one hand to softly caress the regal cheekbones that had been tempting her for months. She’d never given in to her desire to touch a woman before. Lena’s skin was incredibly soft. Before she knew it, her thumb traveled down to pouty lips and Stef found herself stroking the corner of Lena’s mouth. Lena’s breath hitched and suddenly they leaned towards each other and found themselves lost in a gentle meeting of lips.

For Stef it was like coming home, a home she’d never known existed. Lena was new and different but also familiar and so welcoming. It was impossibly tender, unimaginably erotic. Lena was feeling a similar feeling of belonging, of finally understanding true affection. She feebly tried to push Stef away but it only made her press more firmly against her, essentially pinning her to the door. Lena instantly felt a familiar stirring deep within her. The woman of her dreams was kissing her and it was more exquisite than anything she could have conceived.

They kissed deeply, first feeling their lips gently press against each other, getting used to their rhythms. Then, slightly opening up to each other, exploring the intimate delicate touching of wet lips and the first taste of each other. Slowly their first kiss ended with a soft slow peck, then another. They were breathless, lost in the wonder of endless feelings.

“Lena.” One word, sighed against lips, finally broke the enchantment of their joining. Stef’s hand had never left Lena’s face and she continued to caress Lena’s features as their foreheads softly met.

“Stef.” Lena’s soul cried for this woman, this married woman, and the knowledge suddenly brought back the reality of their situation. Slowly, unwillingly, yet firmly, Lena pulled away from Stef’s embrace.

Stef felt the loss immediately and was left with a feeling of emptiness she’d never known. “Lena…” She had never wanted that kiss to end.

“Stef… no. You’re married.” Lena stood there shaking her head, trying to make sense of all that had happened.

“Lena, I…” Stef didn’t know what to say. How could she explain what she couldn’t make sense of herself?

Lena sensed Stef’s hesitation and that was enough to push her into action. She willed herself to move and quickly went into her place and closed the door. Stef was left there standing, wondering if she should knock. She decided to knock, calling out for Lena.

“Go home Stef.” Lena yelled out from inside, leaning heavily against the front door. Stef wasn’t hers, and she couldn’t be second best. Not again.

Stef wanted to respect Lena and get some time to sort her own head. She also suddenly became aware that she’d kissed a woman out in public and that she was now yelling for said woman in the middle of the street. She decided to head home, but the feeling of Lena’s lips still tingled on her own.


	11. Aftermath

Stef woke up the next morning determined to get through to Lena. She’d spent the whole night reliving every second of that kiss. She had gone her whole life without this feeling. She hadn’t known what it felt to want this much. Part of her was worried at how much she had enjoyed the intensity of her encounter. Maybe this was what forbidden sin tasted like.

She'd tried to approach Lena early in the morning but Lena was nowhere to be found at school. She did the second best thing she could think of, she decided to wait for her at her house. She parked her car in front of Lena’s place, she hoped Lena would be home soon.

Lena stepped out of her car and was not surprised to see Stef jump out of hers. “We need to talk.” She had successfully avoided the cop all day, but she knew she was just buying time.

Stef agreed, “We do.” Stef couldn’t help but look around, wary of the audience, “Can we go inside?”

Lena shook her head in disappointment, thinking Stef must be feeling self-conscious, “Fine, let’s go in.” Lena made sure to stay a few steps ahead, afraid to get too close, afraid something would happen, afraid nothing would. She led her to her small dining table, purposely waiting for Stef to sit so that she could take the opposite side.

Lena gave Stef the opportunity to start the conversation, but when the silence stretched uncomfortably, she felt compelled to begin it herself. “That shouldn’t have happened.”

“How can you say that, it was…” Stef was left breathless with the thought, but also wordless. She could not begin to describe this feeling.

Again Lena waited, but Stef wasn’t giving her much. “It was a mistake. What about Mike?”

“Mike…” Stef had not actually thought about him for a while, certainly not since that kiss.

“Yeah Mike,” Lena hated saying that name.

Stef was flooded with a sense of guilt. How could she just forget she was married? Divorce was a sin, how could she be contemplating anything more? She was an adulterer. “I hadn’t thought about Mike.” Stef spoke honestly.

“Well you should be. Are you getting a divorce?” Lena needed to know, she was not going to be some affair.

“No” Stef suddenly blurted out, defensively, automatically. She immediately regretted her words when she heard Lena’s breath hitch. “I...”

A strange silence overtook them both. They felt helpless at their situation, at the strength of their feelings. “Well then, there’s nothing to talk about Stef.”

“Of course there is.” Stef tried to explain, reaching for Lena’s hand. “I have never felt this Lena. I need to understand. I don’t know…”

Lena interrupted her, “here’s the thing Stef. I do know. I am a lesbian.” She let that sink in for a minute and turned Stef’s hand over, held her palm on hers.  In the continued silence, she looked from Stef’s hand in hers, up to her lips and finally to her hazel gaze and added, “And I love you.” She didn’t know why she’d admitted that but she couldn’t help it, it was bursting from within her soul. If perhaps she let it out, it would lose its power over her. But as soon as she said it, she knew that it was not the case. If anything, her love pushed forth even more and overwhelmed her. Her voice quivered as she repeated, “I love you Stef and I can’t hide it anymore. I need more. I am not… I don’t.” Frustrated, she finished, “You’re married,” as if it answered everything.

Stef’s heart melted. “Lena, I…” Stef felt so much, but she knew so little. She felt like a stranger in her body. Her mind full of lies and truths and she couldn’t tell up from down. She wanted to respond in kind, she wanted to make Lena happy, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t sure about anything. “I… I need time. I am overwhelmed with feelings for you and I can’t think.” How could she think while her hand was being held so lovingly, when Lena was making confessions that were making her tremble?

“Stef, time isn’t going to change things. It’s wrong, you and I both know it. I am not looking for adventure. I am looking for a partner in life, a woman to share the ups and downs with. A woman to raise a family with. I can’t imagine starting something like that with lies and cheating. I can’t. I don’t want that. I’ve been there, on the other side. And you're not even... what are you bi, lesbian, what?” Lena let go of Stef’s hand, frustration turning to anger.

“A … les…?” it was hard for Stef to finish the word.

“Lesbian. Stef, the word is lesbian. You can say it.” Lena interrupted angrily.

“I like you Lena, I am attracted to you, the rest...” Stef hoped that was enough for Lena, for now. She didn’t realize the full effect she had on Lena.

Lena was melting at that confession of affection. In most contexts that might have been enough, but this was Stef, the woman of Lena’s dreams. She wanted all of her, not a piece of her. She shook her head, she felt like crying.

Then Stef saw it, a lone tear reluctantly escaping Lena’s tight control. She couldn’t bear her pain and moved quickly to Lena’s side. Stef held Lena’s face in her hands, and leaned in quickly to kiss away that lonesome drop. Pressing her face against the woman who held her heart, Stef felt more wetness on her cheek, both women were now leaking their emotions over each other. And suddenly, lips met lips, soft and pliant. Pain and desire mixed as their mouths joined again and again. Stef figured that if she couldn’t say what she meant, she could show it. She could convey the depth of her affection through the movements of her lips.

Lena couldn’t contain her emotions and keeping control was becoming harder and harder as Stef pressed against her again and again. She wanted to drown in Stef and indulge in the feelings of pleasure, to maintain this intimacy between them. But Lena was an expert at separating logic and feeling. She reluctantly pulled away from Stef, again. She didn’t know how many more times she’d have to do that.

“This is why I can’t keep seeing you, because I can’t keep my hands off you anymore.” She punctuated the sentence with a slow peck on Stef’s lips.

“I can’t either,” Stef confessed, allowing her hands to get lost in Lena’s hair, a wish she hadn’t realized needed to be fulfilled.

“Stef, Stef. We have to stop now, and we just can’t keep doing this. It’s not going to end well. You mean too much to me.” Lena stood up quickly, straight to the door. “I wish you luck Stef. I hope you figure things out for yourself if nothing else.” She was flooded with the memory of Stef’s lips and scent. But she was also flooded with feelings from her time with Gretchen. She had felt so humiliated, putting so much hope in one person only to be betrayed. She couldn’t be a part of making someone feel like that.

“Lena…”

“Stef… go. Okay, please, for me?”

Stef nodded and headed out the door.

* * *

 

 

Jenna shook her head, somehow she’d always known it would end up like this with Lena brokenhearted on her couch.

“I just can’t take it anymore." Lena looked away, afraid to meet anyone's eyes and admitted, "She kissed me.”

“Oh Lena.” Jenna put her arm around her friend. Lena collapsed into her. “What was it like?”

“It was a revelation. This woman is made to fit in my arms, her lips made for mine… but she’s married.” Lena added sadly, sorrow threatening to break through her voice.

“So what? Women leave their husbands every day.” Jenna had seen many a straight woman leave a marriage.

“Yeah but she hasn’t and I can’t cheat. I just can’t participate in that. You know that.” Lena choked out.

Jenna didn’t say it, but she knew well that Gretchen was behind that sentiment. Gretchen had really broken any trust Lena had.

“Besides, if Stef is willing to lie to be with me, she’ll lie to me later. It’s not a way to start a relationship. I couldn’t trust her.” Lena’s own words soothed her pain. She knew she was doing the right thing. “I just don’t understand why Stef had to be so perfect for me.”

Jenna nodded and had to agree that Stef and Lena had chemistry. They would make the kind of couple your eyes were drawn to, beautiful, contrasting in every way. She knew her friend just needed her to listen. She had to work things out on her own.

 

* * *

Stef was going out of her mind. She’d called Lena many times. Lena was now screening calls. She’d even called the school and managed to get through to Lena who promptly hung up on her. Her mind was still a mess. All she knew was that she missed Lena. That kiss had changed something in her. It had ripped open the careful confines of her heart. It yearned for Lena. She just wanted to be with her, in any capacity Lena desired. It just seemed like Lena wanted nothing to do with her. Each day had felt like an eternity. In reality, it had only been a few days. She’d spent days without talking to Lena before but now, things had changed. Everything seemed so urgent. She was on the edge of a cliff and only Lena could help her.

But Lena was shutting her out. She only had one person to turn to, Kelly.

 “Kelly…”

Before Stef spoke another word, Kelly knew exactly what this call was about. Lena. Lena had spent enough evenings in her house during the past week for Kelly to know exactly what was going on. In spite of herself, Kelly couldn’t feel anything but sympathy, “Stef.”

Stef didn’t know how to begin this conversation. She just knew that Kelly was the only person that she could talk to about any of this. “Um, I don’t know how to begin… you see…  Lena…”

“I know a little bit of what's been going on.” Kelly decided to take pity on Stef.

“Oh.” She was both relieved and horrified that Kelly knew about her situation.

“It’s ok Stef. Stuff happens.”

“Not to me, it doesn’t. I … look, I am not good on the phone but I need to talk to you. Do you think we could meet?” Stef could not do this on the phone.

“Sure, you know the coffee house by my house?”

“Yeah, ok, when can you meet?”

“In an hour. See you then.”

Stef was already sitting, coffee in hand by the time Kelly arrived.

“I hope you weren’t waiting long,” Kelly pulled up a chair and joined the woman. Stef had rings around her eyes and wore a frown on her face.

“Yeah, but that was my choice. I couldn’t stay at home any more. I can’t face my mother’s questioning looks. I am sorry I called you. I just, my friends, they wouldn’t understand. Plus, I am sort of in transition. My friends are from the force and everyone seems to be on Mike’s side. Or maybe it’s my imagination.”

“It’s ok Stef, I think we were on our way to being good friends before Lena showed up.” Kelly had always found Stef’s sarcasm and humor to be comforting compared to Jenna’s more serious demeanor.

“I thought so too.” Thoughts of Lena brought back all her worries. “I know I’ve hurt Lena and I don’t know how to make that better.” Stef stopped when a waitress came to take Kelly’s order.

“A latte, thanks!” Kelly quickly dismissed the woman and turned back to Stef. “I think it all depends on what you want.”

Stef shook her head, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“I mean… what do you want from Lena?” Kelly punctuated her statement with a lift of her eyebrows.

“I… am not sure. So many things, but I don’t know. I am so confused.”

“Ok, I am going to ask a different way, do you think you might like women Stef?” It had been so long since she’d dealt with coming out, Kelly was trying her best to handle it.

Stef opened her mouth and closed it several times. “I don’t think so. I am attracted to Lena, that’s it.” Stef frowned, no, she owed herself the truth. “No, that’s not right. Maybe. I may like women.”

“Do you want to be with Lena?” Kelly saw her opening and forged ahead.

“I …” Stef could feel her emotions choking her. “I need time. I just don’t want to lose her. I know that, I know that without a doubt.”

“Stef, I get that. I get it. You need time. You deserve that time. This isn’t easy. It’s not something any of us figure out in a day or a month. A woman can make the process easier, loving someone has a way of clearing things up. But you’re married. You are married Stef and it’s not fair to anyone to carry on while you take the needed time.”

Stef nodded, she could see that. “I know. I don’t want to do that either. Cheating is wrong, it just hasn’t been clear cut. Things are so murky, we’re separated. You know? It’s been that way for months.”

“Ok, well, clear it up. You are the only one that has that power, but you can take your time.”

“The problem is, all I can think about is Lena, her smile, her kindness, her intelligence. I miss her so much.” Stef was desperate.

“Ok, I don’t know your husband, but I know Lena. This is not fair to Lena. She’s been hurt. I don’t know if I should tell you but she’s been cheated on. You are the first woman she’s felt serious about since then and it’s not fair to her to be made feel second best. She also won’t be the other woman. She wouldn’t do that to someone else.  She deserves better.”

And suddenly Stef got it. She tried to picture a happy Lena, with all the love and family she deserved. And she realized she’d already made a mistake. She’d already ruined Lena’s trust and that might be something that she would never get back. She’d already made Lena feel like second best. She’d made Lena question the strength of her feelings, all because she couldn’t express herself. She knew she’d never felt anything like this for anyone before. She knew that anything she might have ever felt for Mike was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. But Lena didn’t know that. Lena thought that Stef couldn’t make up her mind between the two of them. Nothing was further from the truth. She just didn’t know if she was strong enough to own the truth, to tell the world. Did she have the courage to love Lena the way her heart demanded?

“You are right. Lena deserves the world.” Stef sounded defeated.

“She does. We all do. You do.” Kelly could almost hear Stef thinking. “You can be happy too.”

Stef chuckled sadly. “I don’t know, but I know I don’t want to hurt Lena.” It was then that another thought surfaced, one that had been lurking in the back of her mind. “Then there’s my son.”

“Lena is great with kids.” Kelly shook her head, Lena was born to be a mom.

“No, that’s not what I meant. She’s amazing with Brandon, they already seem to have formed a bond. I am talking about Mike. What if he…” Stef swallowed. “What if he tries to take him away from me.”

“I am not a legal expert, but I do work at the gay and lesbian center. Courts in California are not likely to take your kid away for being gay. There would have to be other issues. You seem like a great mom.”

“Are you sure? I can’t give up my son.” Pastor Dan’s words were rolling around in her head, things about being unable to have children and being unfit and perverted.

“I am pretty sure. I know how to get legal help if it comes to that Stef. You aren’t alone.” Kelly smiled and hoped that Stef believed her.

“You have given me a lot to think about. I… hope I can do right by Lena.” Stef meant that, nothing meant more to her than that and for now it meant leaving Lena alone.

And for the next few days, she tried doing just that. The only problem was her suspicious mom. Sharon had noticed her daughter was moping around the house recently, “Are you not going to the book club this weekend?”

“What? Uh, no.” Stef was trying to give Lena space and use the time to clear her head.

“Why not? You were having a good time, making friends.” Sharon found her recent behavior odd. In addition, the constant phone calls to one Lena Adams were down to zero.

“Mom, it’s fine. I am fine.” The last person Stef wanted to talk to about all this was her mom.

Sharon wasn’t going to drop it, “You should at least call Le…”

“No, not Lena,” Stef interrupted before her mother could get a word out.

Now Sharon knew something was wrong and she guessed she knew the reason, “Why? Something happen?”

Stef took a deep breath, “Mom, let it go.”

“Let what go?” They’d done this routine so many times, but this was often the only way to communicate.

“Nothing mom, it’s nothing.” Stef started to walk away, she needed to get far away, maybe go check on Brandon, see if he was still sleeping.

Sharon’s opportunity window was closing, “Wait, Stef, don’t walk away. You can tell me what’s going on. I won’t judge.”

“You won’t judge? You are the very definition of judgmental. I believe your picture is next to that word in the dictionary.” Stef wasn’t trying to be mean. It was just so hard to stop her mom once she got started.

“Oh Stef, that’s not true. I just have opinions. I liked Lena, she was good for you. What happened?” Sharon suddenly got an idea. “She started dating someone?”

“What?” Stef’s stomach heaved as she remembered that Lena was trying to date.

Sharon was not oblivious to Stef’s reaction. “You know? Did she meet a woman?”

The words were stabbing Stef’s heart. How could she live without Lena? How could she let another woman love the most amazing person she’d ever met?

“I thought maybe that’s why she didn’t have any more time for you.”

And that was enough to send Stef right over the edge, “You’re wrong, she loves me.” Stef froze suddenly. She realized what she’d done the second she said it.

“She loves you?” Sharon’s voice was shaky. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this, but she’d have to be. For Stef. Sharon had to find the strength.

Anxiety was making Stef’s chest rise and fall. She couldn’t speak, no words could answer. Eventually, almost in a whisper, she admitted, “Yeah, she told me so.” She couldn’t deny Lena’s feelings.

Now, it was Sharon’s time to take a deep breath. The time had come. “How do you feel about her?”

Stef looked at her mother and seeing nothing but compassion in her eyes, she continued with the truth, “I don’t know.” Stef tried to kick herself out of denial. “I kissed her.”

The words landed like bricks at the bottom of Sharon’s stomach. She steeled herself, “and…”

Stef looked at her mother again, straightening up, trying to reach her adult height. Her lip trembled like the time when she was ten and she’d admitted to breaking the fine china, “I liked it.”

Sharon had been in as much denial as Stef, but that was over. She could be strong for her daughter. She took a deep breath, smiled and walked towards her daughter, touching her wrist gently. “And now…”

“Mom, what if, what if I like women?” Stef did not want to have this conversation with her mom, but she didn’t have a lot of people to talk to.

Sharon hugged her daughter. Stef resisted, tried to push her away but Sharon held on tight. “You’ll still be Stef Foster, daughter, mom…” Sharon was going to say wife but managed to change it at the last moment, “cop.”

Stef heard the sentiment anyway. “I don’t think I can be a wife anymore,” Stef realized, mumbling the words against her mother’s embrace.

“Maybe not.” Sharon agreed.

Knowing she had someone’s support gave Stef much needed relief. She thought of Lena, of having the courage to be with her. She wanted nothing more than to be able to step up for her.

She thought of the next steps and knew which one should be first. She pulled away from her mom. “I have to tell dad and Mike.” She decided.

“Are you sure?” Sharon paused. “There’s no going back.”

“Mom, I don’t know, it’s why I am struggling. I know that I can’t go back, but moving forward seems so difficult. Mom, I feel so alive when I am with her. I want to know, I have to know. I don’t want to hide this, her.  If I am doing this, it has to be with everything I have in me.”

Sharon looked on, proud of her daughter. She’d always had her own mind and a sense of right and wrong.

“Stef, I love you. I am behind you.”


	12. End of an Era

A long internal debate had resulted in Stef knocking at her father’s door. She probably should go tell her husband that their marriage was over, but for some reason this felt more immediate. She had to tell her father first. She needed to be free of his influence on her. If she couldn’t get through this, she wouldn’t get anywhere.

“Stef, come in.” Frank Foster was always happy to see his daughter, even if lately all their interactions ended up in a fight.

“Hi dad. Making a sandwich?” Stef noticed the telltale signs on the table, bread, mayo and cheese.

“You know me. What about you? What brings you here? I have groceries.” Ever since Sharon had left Frank, Stef had taken it upon herself to make sure he had food in the fridge. Her father had never learned to take care of himself and Sharon would not set foot in that house.

“Yeah, no, this time it’s about me. I came to tell you something. I want you to know. I am getting divorced.” Stef let that all out in one single breath. Although, she had wimped out and started with the easy stuff first. Ironic that divorce was the easy topic.

“Oh Stef, you can’t. It’s not god’s will.” Frank’s frown grew deep and he became agitated.

“Please, you’re divorced dad. Save the speech.” Stef had gathered all her courage for this conversation.

“It’s still a sin.” Frank was earnest and that was the part Stef hated the most. He really believed the stuff that came out of his mouth.

“Well, I am a sinner, I guess. Might as well get used to it because there’s more.” Stef took a deep breath and reminded herself that she was an adult now. “I don’t think this will come as any surprise to you. You saw this long before I did.”

“What are you talking about Stef?”

“Tess Brown. You saw it long ago dad and you were right. I am gay.”

“Stef no, we dealt with this. It can’t be. You married Mike, it was fixed.” Frank pleaded, his only daughter’s future slipping from his hands.

“You can’t fix this. It’s me, it’s who I am and I am starting to realize that I can’t be happy pretending to be the wife that you want me to be. I can’t.”

“You’re not gay.”

“I am. I am.” Here it was, her big chance. “I am a lesbian.” She could see panic in Frank’s expression.

“No… don’t say that Stef. Don’t use that word. You can’t know. You’re confused. I can call Pastor Dan right now and we’ll sort this out.” Frank seemed calm and determined.

Stef felt like fleeing, “Oh no dad, you are not going to do that to me. Not again. I know myself and I am not wasting another ten years again. I am a lesbian.” It was easier the second time. “I met someone and this is it for me I can feel it. She’s the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t live without her”

“I don’t want to hear about no woman. Stef this is crazy. She has you confused, you’re hurting over Mike.  But your marriage can be fixed.”

“I am not here for a discussion. I am here to tell you. That’s what's happening and I hope someday, you can accept me.” Stef decided in that moment that she would not let this fear rule her life. She would stand up to her father and not let anyone insult her for who she was. This identity, while new, fit her like a pair of old worn jeans. She wasn’t an imposter anymore. She’d always felt like a little girl wearing mommy’s heels. No one was going to take this away from her, not even the man who had been everything to her when she was little.

“Stef, no, no.” Frank was walking toward her and Stef rushed to the door.

“Yes dad, this is my life now. And if you want to be part of it, you’ll need to face it. If I am lucky enough, the next time we meet is because you’re meeting the woman in my life.”

 

* * *

 

Lena watched Kelly come into the living room and felt the need to apologize for her constant presence. “I am sorry guys, I know I’ve been over here entirely too often.”

“I understand,” Kelly figured it all had to do with a certain blonde cop. “You’re trying to avoid Stef.”

“I can’t take the chance of seeing her right now. I have very little self-control around her.” Lena admitted. “But, you’ll be pleased. I don’t think this will go on for much longer. She has stopped contacting me or trying to talk to me.”

Jenna patted Lena’s hand in sympathy. “Women.”

Lena chuckled, letting her insecurity get a hold of her, “Yeah, women. I was right to let her go, she’s certainly experimenting if she’s already moving on. Easy to forget, I guess.”

Kelly interrupted, they were being unfair and judgmental. “Come on you two, Stef’s dealing with a lot of things, cut her some slack.”

“You would know…” Jenna cut herself off realizing she’d said too much.

Lena was too quick and smart, she'd caught it, “What do you mean Kelly would know? Has she talked to you? What did she say?”

Kelly shook her head, if looks could kill, Jenna would be dead. “No, I mean yes. I talked to her but I am not going to talk about it. Stef has a right to her privacy.”

“Did she talk about me?”

Lena looked so sad and defeated, Kelly couldn’t help but feed her hope, “I am just saying, don’t give up on her. She needs time Lena.”

“I know that.” Lena admitted. “I am just afraid that she’ll never be strong enough to live our life.” She didn’t add that she was afraid Stef just wasn’t that into her, not enough to leave her husband.

“Yeah, it’s not a life for cowards that’s for sure. I just know Stef is a good person, we don’t need to make up false motivations for her. Her issues are big enough.”

Lena had to concede. Stef had been very straight forward with her. “She’s not one to play games. It’s why I fell for her.” Lena looked a little surprised at having admitted that, but Kelly and Jenna were not surprised. They’d seen their friend falling for Stef throughout these past few months.

“Falling in love is not a bad thing. Even while suffering, you’re more alive now than you were before the summer. You were like a zombie.” Jenna reflected.

Lena gave her a weak smile and turned to Kelly again, oh what could she do to get information from her. “So, um, what else can you share?”

Kelly laughed, “You’ll get nothing out of me woman. Come on, let’s distract you, that’s why you came over. Garret has been dying to play games with you.”

Lena loved the little boy and was happy to play with him, but what she didn’t share with her friends was that playing with Garret reminded her of Brandon. That in turn, reminded her of Stef. There really was no getting away from her heartache.

 

* * *

 

Stef couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth. It was a bit like pulling off a bandage, do it all at once she told herself. She’d admitted she was lesbian and that was the third time she’d used that word. She had broken Mike’s heart and she wasn’t done. She boldly added the part that she knew would be the official end of her marriage, “because I met somebody.” His face fell and she could feel her own heart break at seeing his pain. Mike’s face had been full of hope when she walked in, it was clear he had still been holding out for a reunion. Now, it had all crumbled and both were left in silence, knowing things would never be the same.

“Who is she?” Mike finally broke the uncomfortable silence, confusion leading to anger. None of what Stef was saying was making any sense. She was gay? She met someone? But she had married him, she loved him, she couldn’t be gay. What was going on?

“It doesn’t matter.” Stef was not here to bring Lena any problems. What was the point, if Lena wouldn’t have her?

Mike’s voice was rising, losing control of his temper. “Of course it matters, how long has this been going on, do I know this…” Mike just couldn’t say it, “this woman.”

“No Mike, you don’t know her. I never ever thought about anyone while we were married. But that doesn’t mean these things weren’t in me, buried deep. I owe you the truth, we are married and I owe you that. I did not even think about all these things till after the separation. Things weren’t working out and now I know why.” Stef took a deep breath. “After we separated, I met a woman who brought back all these issues for me. We are not involved. She won’t have me because I am married.” She didn’t think he needed any more details than that.

“You cheated then.” Mike spat at her.

“We were separated Mike. It’s important for you to know that I am ending things so that I can move on.” Stef didn’t know what else to say. She knew things hadn’t turned out as expected, but she hadn’t set out to do any of it. The alternative now would be to live a lie and that would make at least four people very unhappy.

“Maybe this woman has you confused.” Mike wasn’t going to give up easily.

“You’re missing the point. I am gay.” She paused again, letting that sink in. “I can’t be married Mike. I need to figure out my life and explore this thing that’s been with me. Always. I am not going to be able to make you or me happy by staying in this marriage.”

“So you’re gay, that’s it for you and me? What about me?” Mike would not accept this.

Stef narrowed her eyes and spoke slowly, “Mike, you can find someone else to be happy with. Maybe we can both be happy then.”

“I can’t be happy without you. You belong with me, Stef.”

Stef quickly shook her head. “No, I belong with Lena.” Mike’s eyebrow’s shot up, Stef looked straight ahead, she’d made a mistake but she refused to be ashamed of what she’d said.

“Lena?” Mike didn’t know anyone on the force by that name. None of their friends went by that name.

“I told you Mike, it doesn’t matter. Bottom line is I want a divorce.” Stef needed to stay focused.

“And Brandon?” Mike would desperately throw anything against a wall and see what stuck.

“Things have been working out with Brandon for months now. It will work out again.” Stef decided to leave Mike in his confusion before things took a turn for the worse. Stef’s nightmare involved custody arrangements. She hadn’t ordered anything and wouldn’t be doing so now. It would be best to just leave now because the waitress had stayed away, sensing the seriousness of the situation. “Mike, I don’t want to get into it anymore. We’ll continue the way we have been in terms of Brandon but I am going to be getting a lawyer. I can’t live a lie anymore.”

Mike tried to reach out to Stef but he could only watch her walk away. When the waitress came by to see if he needed anything, he could only think of a stiff drink. One that would prop up the wreck that Stef had left behind.

 

* * *

 

That night in bed two women lay in their beds thinking about each other. Lena at home reliving each and every second of the kisses they’d shared. An experienced lesbian laid bare by amateur kisses. She’d felt exposed with each touch of Stef’s tender lips, her emotions seeping from her pores. She had never cried in front of a woman before. She never cried in front of anybody. Her mother had made sure that Lena understood tears were for cowards. Stef made her feel safe and Lena didn’t think it had anything to do with that dandy uniform she wore so well.

She felt understood and known. The only thing missing in her caresses was commitment and trust. They couldn’t have those things and Lena craved them desperately. Now recalling that mouth and that body, Lena could also admit that she desired Stef, the woman. She was having a hard time concentrating on anything but the memory of her hands on Stef, on the way her insides reacted to the blonde’s touch. She’d have to fight the urge to take care of her needs tonight while thinking of Stef. She would deny herself that release in order to make the letting go a bit easier. Even as her mind pictured more intimate touches, she refused to indulge in thoughts of Stef.

Forgetting wouldn’t be easy. She’d barely known the woman but her house was full of her touches. Things that had no business reminding her of Stef came alive with memories of her. The cup that she’d drank from, the chair that she’d sat on. Thankfully, Stef hadn’t been in her bedroom. And without invitation, Stef’s figure formed in her mind, reclined on her bed, wearing her uniform. The top three buttons were open, her shirt had been pulled out of her neatly ironed pants. The belt buckle was undone and her legs were crossed. She was prone against her headboard, invitation in her eyes. The vision so stirring that Lena had to shake herself. She quickly got off the bed and into the bathroom to splash water on her face. No point in giving free rein to these dreams. Stef would never be hers.

Meantime, Stef lay in her bed also indulging in memories. Memories that fueled her commitment. She’d had the hardest day of her life. She’d come out to the two men that had dominated her existence. First, her father, whom she’d worshiped as a kid. She had wanted to please so much that she’d submerged her true self in order to make him happy. Then there was Mike, whom she’d loved and cared for, but not as a man, not as a husband. He had been a good friend and their relationship had been good enough. She might have been content, if it weren’t for the fact that memories of deeper feelings lived inside, creating chaos and longing. She was done trying to make either of them happy. She wasn’t living for anyone else now. This was her life and she was going to live it.

Coming out to her friends had been a simpler task. She had picked a close friend on the force who was known as a gossip. She’d communicated her new found sexuality as one might disclose buying a new car. She knew that soon, most people at the station would know. She didn’t want to hurt Mike, but she didn’t know how else to proceed. She would not hide Lena, and she would not step on her feelings in order to spare Mike's. She’d already made Lena feel second best and she wouldn’t make that mistake again.

As tough as today had been, Stef imagined tomorrow would not be any easier. She’d have to convince Lena that she was serious. She’d have one shot to really show her that she was ready to commit to her and to this new way of life. That’s why she’d waited and sorted everything out before seeing her. She knew that Lena wouldn’t wait around forever and wouldn’t give her another opportunity. The things she needed to say to Lena weren’t scary, Stef’s fear came from the answers Lena had to give.

She didn’t know what she’d do if Lena turned her down. Lena had slowly come to mean everything to her. She was her happiness. Her touches had brought a joy and a desire Stef had not known existed. She didn’t know her well enough yet, but she felt as if she’d found her other half. Her love and trust were the kind of home she’d never had. Her lips brought stirrings her body had not discovered.

Anxiety settled at the bottom of her stomach. There was so much at stake but after today, Stef knew that no matter what, there was no going back. Tomorrow was the first day of the rest of her life.


	13. A New Beginning

The light of day launched Stef out of bed. She hadn’t worked for the last 2 days. She needed every second to figure out and execute her plan. Today was all about Lena. Stef concocted a sure fire plan to get Lena to see her. After all the stops and starts of the past few weeks, Stef was sure Lena would not be welcoming of her presence. She needed to get her out of the school and with Kelly’s help she would be able to see Lena face to face. Thankfully, Kelly had been more than willing to help.

After that, it would be all up to Stef. She knew one thing, she had to be honest. The truth was the only weapon she possessed. She just had to get Lena to listen and maybe, just maybe, her words might thaw the iceberg that had grown between them.

It was that honesty that led her to pick out an outfit that she felt comfortable in. Never again would she choose to cover herself in clothes that she thought would present her in a certain way. She’d always preferred comfort over other considerations. If honesty was her theme, she knew just the pair of jeans she’d pick. She also knew the shirt, the one her mom would moan about each time she saw Stef wearing it. She hoped Lena would like it, but she knew deep down that she would. Lena had told her she loved her. Those feelings had nothing to do with her clothes, and she doubted Lena was fickle enough to have surrendered those emotions. Stef’s job was to get Lena to let herself feel them again, the way that she herself was feeling them now.

 

* * *

 

A long day of problems had left Lena with a headache. She hadn’t had a moment’s peace, not even to dwell on her favorite subject, one blonde cop whose name she was reluctant to even think. Kids had lined up one after another with discipline issues. One boy had even thrown a rock at a car. It was a blessing that they were a charter school because they had a lot of discretion about the kinds of students they would keep. It had been a difficult conversation but this was strike three for a difficult child. His permit would be revoked, he’d have to find another school.

Now, it was late afternoon, most of the teachers and kids were gone. Most of the after-school activities had wound down, but Lena was stuck doing paperwork. That one expulsion had caused her three hours of work. When her phone rang, she reluctantly answered, fearing another call from an angry parent. “Lena Adams, Assistant Vice Principal speaking,” it was her typical school greeting, she said it so often that she sometimes answered her personal phone that way.

“Lena can you come out to the parking lot?” Kelly hoped this worked. Stef would be waiting an awful long time if Kelly couldn’t get Lena out there.

Lena was perplexed, “Why? Can’t you come in?” Kelly never called her at work, and had never, ever demanded her presence there. This inconvenience on top of the day’s irritation was getting to her.

Kelly was prepared, Stef had coached her on that anticipated question, “I have something for your house that I brought in my car.”

“OK, so bring it in.” Lena still couldn’t see what the problem was and her frustration was growing.

Lena would have to make it difficult. “Trust me, you wouldn’t want anyone in the staff seeing this.” Kelly smiled thinking that Stef already knew Lena pretty well because she had also anticipated this.

“Then I probably don’t want it at my house.” Lena laughed. “Kelly, what’s going on? Tell me!” Her patience had officially run out.

“Lena just get your butt over here. I’ll be by your car.” Kelly hung up and hoped that was enough to get Stef and Lena talking. Stef hadn’t needed to try too hard to enlist her in this plan. She had convinced her that she was ready, ready to be with Lena. That was all Kelly had needed to hear. She loved playing match maker and this was her best chance.

Lena sat in her office chair, staring at her phone. What had just happened? She was beyond done with this day, but now she was curious. Kelly was clearly up to something, but she wouldn’t know unless she went out and looked. So she took the bait and went outside.

As Stef waited and time dragged on, she was surprisingly calm. She felt a confidence she’d never quite felt before. She was finally aware of every bit of herself. It was an amazingly empowering feeling. She was resting against Lena’s car, refusing to believe that this might be her last chance. When she finally saw Lena approaching, she could see Lena’s disapproving stare. Stef decided to face Lena confidently, show her that she was more than ready to be hers.

Lena walked towards her parking spot, but didn’t see any sign of Kelly or her car. “If that Kelly is playing games, she’s going to pay for it,” Lena whispered to herself. That’s when she saw a blonde woman leaning on her car as if it belonged to her. Lena shook her head, this couldn’t be. Why would Kelly participate in this charade?

Lena would cut this at the root before Stef could get a word in, “I am not doing this. I am not. I am not getting involved with a married woman. Women like you, you are just passing through, but this is where I live Stef.” She couldn’t believe Stef was here again wanting to make a fool out of her. Stef wanted to experiment and see what it was like on the other side. And while Lena felt that Stef had every right to do that, it would not be with her. She’d have to find another woman who was up to that task.

Stef decided to go for broke. She could tell Lena was in no mood for her indecisiveness. “I told Mike and I told my dad. And I told all of my, well most of my friends. I told them I am gay.” Stef had gotten through her well-rehearsed speech, she hadn’t forgotten a word, well except maybe the one that she knew she shouldn’t avoid. “I even used the word lesbian.” Then she continued, this time the emotions in her heart overflowed, this was the truth that Lena didn’t know. Lena had no idea what she had come to mean to her, “I told them I met a woman that I can’t live without and I belong with you Lena.”

Stef was a lesbian… that’s the only thing she’d heard. No, she’d heard every word, every syllable, and each phrase was more unbelievable than the last. Stef had told her father, her husband and her friends. She’d said that she belonged with her… Lena Adams, that she couldn’t live without her. Yet, the only word that stuck was lesbian. Stef didn’t want to be married. They shared the same hopes and dreams of a partner, they both wanted a woman and they wanted each other. Stef was expecting an answer. She looked so sweet and insecure.

After what felt like an eternity, Stef could no longer wait, “That is if you’ll…” She paused expectantly.

“You had me at lesbian.” Lena interrupted. Stef had said the words out loud, words that she couldn’t even say the last time they had spoken.

They looked at each other then, the tension that had been building between them since they first met on that very campus was finally resolved. They wanted to be together. Lena had been first to lay her heart bare and now Stef was leaving everything behind for her. Lena’s accepting words signaled the beginning of the wonder of their joining.

Stef took a step forward and pulled Lena towards her, her hands on her forearms, slowly tugging. Lena looked afraid and it broke Stef’s heart. She wanted to prove herself worthy, to deserve this woman. She leaned in, slowly. This kind of intimacy was still new to her. She wanted to kiss her but started by just breathing Lena in. She got close enough to rub her nose against Lena’s. She could feel her lips resting against the corner of Lena’s mouth. She kissed her right in that spot, gathering her nerve, feeding her desire. Once, twice, the taste of Lena was sweeter than she remembered. Without guilt and shame, she moved her lips slightly and felt Lena turn to meet her. It was their first kiss where the only emotions they were feeling were for each other. Stef felt full of love for this woman who had changed her life. She tried to communicate those feelings through their physical connection.

After feeling certain that this moment would never come, Lena was afraid the moment wasn’t real. Stef couldn’t want her the way Lena wanted her. But when Lena felt the demand of Stef’s hands, as they pulled her close, she finally accepted the truth. The taller woman felt overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through her body. She loved this woman who had walked into her life and taken everything that Lena was and made it hers. Stef was kissing her now and holding her in a possessive way that silently claimed, “You’re mine.” And she was, Lena belonged to Stef from now until the end of time. They took turns giving and taking, their lips joining, till finally Lena let herself go. She let her tongue slip out and gently lick Stef’s lips, pleading for Stef’s surrender. Stef yielded to her and Lena finally felt the blonde’s submission. Stef also belonged to Lena.

Stef felt the tender invasion of Lena’s tongue and their mouths sealed together as tightly as the union of their hearts. Tasting all of her, Stef pulled away slowly, needing to look into Lena’s eyes. An insecure part of her required validation. Brown depths confirmed all she needed to know, it was real. They were both in it, together.

“You are amazing.” Lena spoke, her fingers rising to caress those lips that had rendered her useless. She even forgot that she was at work.

Stef had never felt amazing, but at that moment she did. She felt in charge of her life, and she knew the reason well, the woman in front of her had changed everything. “You are.” She placed another soft kiss on Lena’s lips. “You helped me find myself.”

“You’re a lesbian?” Lena asked the one question she was dying to ask. In her most optimistic moments, she fancied that Stef might be bisexual and might be able to return her feelings.

“Yes. Yes I am. You’re not the first.” Seeing Lena’s face drop, Stef quickly added, “No, I mean, you’re my first kiss.” She quickly reassured her by repeatedly stroking Lena’s lips with her own. “You’re my first woman,” and hopefully my last, she thought. “But, I think I felt like this for my best friend in high school. My father. He, um…” Stef inhaled sadly, “he caught us cuddling and he had a priest try to talk the gay out of me.”

“Oh Stef,” Lena reached out and hugged Stef, not out of anything but a desire to comfort. She felt Stef stiffen up, unwilling to show weakness. But Lena held her and Stef gave in, accepting the comfort.

They held each other tenderly, thankful that the priest’s efforts hadn’t worked, that they were here together, that Stef was free. They stayed that way until Stef spoke again, “I have kept from being too close to women since then. I also got married in order to be what my father wanted me to be. And it was never enough, it was never right. Then you came and made me feel.” Stef stopped, struggling with her emotions again. “You just made me feel,” Stef’s tears broke through. “And it was good and it was right. It was so right.”

They came together again in another kiss. Soon, tongues met again and this time the experience was not about discovery and newness. It was about needing to get as close as they could to each other, to feel their bodies pressed up close. They were melding together, breast to breast, hip to hip. And suddenly they both realized where they were. They pulled away quickly, but not guiltily, relieved that they were still alone.

“We shouldn’t do this here,” Lena’s professionalism finally returned. She had always known Stef was trouble, she could make her do anything.

Stef understood but also never wanted to hide how she felt, not again, not ever. “I know but part of me doesn’t care.”

Lena laughed, “My boss might.”

“Right, so um, when can we blow this joint.” Stef was eager to get Lena away from this place, she stepped in close again, resting her hands on Lena’s hips.

Lena’s hand rose up to Stef’s face, stroking her features, her lips. “Are you asking me out?”

Stef wanted to take this woman anywhere and everywhere she wanted. She wanted to date her, instead she blurted out, “Will you be my girlfriend?” With a smile on her face, she kissed Lena’s wondering fingertip.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Lena replied, letting her touch drift down Stef’s face to her neck.

“Neither did I.” Stef chuckled. By the strange melancholic look that came upon Lena’s face, Stef knew how true their statements were. That could have been their reality, but their story had chosen a different path. Their book was being written and the pages were bare in front of them.

“So, girlfriend, when can you leave this place so that I can take you out to dinner?” Stef finally knew what real joy was and she was never letting go.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Instead of calling this a sequel, I've decided to continue right in the same fic. So, again, you should read the whole thing otherwise it won't make much sense. Also, I wish I had the information we have now about their beginnings. I might write that at some other point because Lena being a little player really intrigues me. So this is a continuation of my version of events which no longer matches canon. I am not sure where this will end. I haven't finished it and I can't promise weekly updates. I have a target for an ending, so fear not. I will finish this, one way or another. So here's a short update to get this started again!

Lena felt lightheaded, everything was going too quickly for her, “You wanna go on a date?”

Stef grabbed Lena close again, slipping her hands around her waist, “Yep.”

“Really?” Lena raised her eyebrows.

“Yes, I do, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever, for this, for you. I want to start living.” Stef Foster was determined. She’d lived her whole life without knowing what this could be like, to feel so much. She’d almost lost this and she was not willing to let it go.

“Ok, but um. I have to go back in and finish my paperwork.” Lena felt so safe in Stef’s arms and it was a very unusual feeling. She reluctantly pulled away. “I also don’t want the students to see me like this.”

“Like how?” Stef attempted to get closer again.

“Stef seriously…” Lena stepped back. “Professional, ok?” Lena’s career meant everything to her, and she never wanted to seem casual at work. She demanded respect and couldn’t be out here acting like a teenager feeling her first kiss, no matter how much she felt exactly like that.

Stef laughed and turned her hands up in defeat. “Fine. Fine. Can I come in with you?” She was not about to give in so easily. She craved Lena and was overwhelmed with the joy of knowing they’d have a shot at being together.

Lena was seriously tempted, it would be so easy to get caught up in Stef. She frowned, “You could, but then I don’t think I’d get any work done. How about you pick me up at home? Tonight at 7 and we’ll have that date.” She said the words before realizing how fast they were moving.

Stef’s eyes lit up, “Ok I can do that. But um… can I have one for the road?”

This time it was Lena that pulled Stef close, wrapping Stef in her arms and whispering, “Always,” before tenderly placing her lips over Stef’s and savoring what coming home felt like.

“Ok, now really go.” Lena Adams found it hard to let go but it was important for both of them.

“But, I will see you later, yes?” Stef teased.

“I sure hope so.” Lena sobered a bit, as if suddenly realizing what she was getting into.

Stef could feel the change in mood and nodded, “don’t ever doubt it.” Stef was a woman on a mission and she would step up to the plate. She’d already done enough damage.

Lena hoped that Stef was indeed up to it. She was establishing her life as a lesbian, she’d have to fight for her divorce and perhaps even custody of her child. Was what Lena had to offer enough to compensate for Stef’s losses? “Ok, well, I will see you later.” Lena was a grown woman and if she really wanted this to work, she’d have to show Stef some faith. Their parting had suddenly turned bittersweet.

Stef refused to end on that note. “Let me walk you back in, ok?”

With a raised eyebrow, Lena questioned Stef.

“I just want five more minutes with you.” Stef expressed openly.

Lena looked into those hazel eyes and wondered if she could deny her anything, “Ok.” She was just as reluctant to let go. She gestured ahead of her, inviting Stef to come with her. “We don’t have to go on a date tonight, we could just have coffee or something.” Lena wanted to make sure that Stef was wasn’t getting in over her head.

Stef couldn’t help but reach reassuringly, and place a gentle hand on the small of Lena’s back, “I want a date, I want to do things right. I’ve given this a lot of thought and I am not going to let you get too far from me.” She suddenly felt grateful, “I am really happy you’re giving me another chance.”

Lena smiled, feeling the warmth of Stef’s hand, “Me too. I am happy you gave me good reasons to give _us_ another shot.” They had barely gotten the conversation started when they reached the front office. Neither wanted to go without a kiss, but now they were smack in the middle of everything.

“Thanks for letting me walk with you.” She wondered if the day would ever come when she’d feel comfortable with kissing Lena in front of the world.

Lena was having similar thoughts, wishing things like this weren’t a big deal to parents. “It was my pleasure.” Both women felt the thrill of hearing the word pleasure in reference to their relationship.

Stef reached quickly for Lena’s hand, gave it a quick squeeze and whispered, “I’ll pick you up tonight.” She walked away turning back several times until Lena made her way back in the office. Until that moment, Stef had never understood what walking on air felt like. Now, she hoped, she never landed back on solid earth again.

Once at home, Stef was a nervous mess. She really hadn’t gotten past step one of her plan. There was no part two. She called Kelly.

“Kelly, hi.”

“Oh god Stef, don’t leave me hanging, did it work?”

Stef smiled into the phone, “It worked, she listened to me and I owe you big time.”

“Just be happy, please, that will be my reward.” The matchmaker in Kelly beamed, “You will have to probably make it up to Jenna though, she’s not happy with me at all right now.”

Stef frowned, “I am sorry, I know that I pushed hard. I promise that I will show her that Lena will be safe in my hands. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed.” Stef still couldn’t quite believe the week she’d had.

“Make her happy, you both deserve it.” Inwardly, Kelly feared they were moving fast and questioned her sanity for helping to make this happen.

“It will be my life’s mission.” Stef had seen enough of Lena’s disappointment to last a life time. She hadn’t known that hurting someone could hurt her so deeply. She didn’t know how she’d manage, but this afternoon she’d made the commitment to bring Lena everything she’d ever wanted. “I am just, I don’t know what to do on a date.” She admitted shamefully.

“Stef, it’s no different than a date with a man.” Kelly chuckled.

Stef didn’t want to admit her lack of experience in that department. She’d have to just go with her gut. “Ok, I’ll keep that in mind. Ok, so I better go get that ready then.” She hung up, thinking of ways of making it up to Kelly and Jenna, who had luckily not gotten in the way.

With a heavy sigh, she went to call her mom. “I need babysitting.”

“Stefanie Marie Foster, something happen at the station?” Sharon wasn’t used to last minute requests for babysitting.

Stef laughed and braced herself. Her mom knew, she was fine, it would be ok. “I am meeting Lena.”

Sharon swallowed audibly. Ok, it was really real now. “Ah,” was all she managed.

“For a date.” Stef added. It seemed like nothing could stop her anymore.

“It’s real then?” Sharon remarked aloud this time.

Stef couldn’t help but feel impatience. “It is. So? You gonna help?”

Sharon would waste no time in helping her daughter be happy. This time, she’d do it right, “Coming right over.”

Stef hadn’t really dated, not really. Her dates had involved a lot of drunken parties with guys who had just one thing on their minds. Mike had been the nicest of them all and that’s why she’d decided to go out with him. She hadn’t ever been romanced and now she’d have to romance a woman. On the other hand, Lena had already professed her love, so it’s not like she needed convincing. She did need reinforcement though, she needed to prove her convictions. A little romance couldn’t hurt.

“You must be in a hurry, it’s only Tuesday. Not exactly date night.” Sharon commented as she made herself at home.

“I know mom, but I am really done postponing my life. I feel really impatient, like it’s not real yet.” Before Lena, Stef hadn’t realized there was a place inside of her that was constantly longing. It had led to dissatisfaction in every facet of her life. She had only ever felt fulfilled as a mother.

“I am sorry Stef. I should have helped. I don’t know.” Sharon felt helpless. “Are you gay Stef?” They hadn’t really talked specifics and now was as good a time as any.

Stef looked at her mom warily, but only saw curiosity, “I am. I know it seems fast, but I’ve always known, I just never accepted it.”

“What if things don’t work out with Lena?” Sharon was really ultimately just protective of her daughter.

Stef couldn’t imagine such a thing, their connection seemed so strong and special but it was true, they’d only shared a few kisses. They hadn’t spent that much time together and they hadn’t been intimate. After a few thoughtful moments, she added, “it doesn’t really matter. My truth is my attraction to women, it’s always been there and it’s so powerful and scary. It doesn’t compare at all to the affection I’ve had for Mike or any other man. It’s never felt right for me mom, and now it does.”

Sharon nodded. She had so much to learn, but she wanted to and she would do her best to listen. “Well, don’t make her wait.” She couldn’t help but notice that Stef wasn’t wearing a dress like she normally would for a date. She wanted to say something but decided to bite her tongue back, for once.

Stef certainly didn’t want to make Lena wait. She knew enough to know that this was a trial. She could feel Lena’s uncertainty. Stef’s actions would be more lasting than the words she had given. “I need to keep my word.”


	15. First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't expect the chapters to be this long all the time, one time only!

Chapter 15

Stef was fifteen minutes early. She was going to play a game and wait it out outside till it was closer to their agreed time. But she didn’t want to play, she wanted to see Lena.

Lena was sitting on her couch. Her nerves had been playing havoc on her stomach all afternoon. They’d kissed and talked but everything was still so unsettled for Lena. She knew Stef believed the things she said but she wasn’t sure she understood what it all meant. Things were going to be difficult for Stef in the very near future. The fact that Lena still had doubts about Stef showing up tonight spoke of Lena’s fears. The knocking on her door shook her right out of those dark thoughts. When she opened the door, the last thing she expected was for Stef to be standing at her door, flowers in hand.

“Stef,” she managed through nervous lips.

“These are for you,” Stef willed herself to not look around to see if anyone on the street was paying them any mind. She could not mess up tonight.

“Thank you,” Lena whispered, genuinely touched by the gesture. Stef may not know how to woo a woman, but she figured starting with flowers was not a bad idea. “They’re beautiful,” she whispered taking the roses.

Stef couldn’t resist the cliché, “beautiful like you.” And as corny as it was, they both stood there grinning at each other like teenagers. After a while, Stef began to feel embarrassed for staring into Lena’s eyes for so long, “Lena, may I come in?”

Lena shook her head, not surprised that Stef was already making her forget her manners, “I am sorry, of course, come in.”

Stef stepped inside, more nervous than she’d ever been. She’d already kissed this woman, confessed to feelings she’d never spoken aloud and yet... The intensity of her words had left her naked and perhaps that was her current hesitation. Lena saw her, completely, as no one else ever had. She’d opened the deepest corners of her heart and for the first time she had risked everything. The softest parts of her were exposed. She’d given Lena the power to hurt her as no one else ever could. Stef, rubbed her moist hands on her pants and hoped Lena wouldn’t notice.

But Lena did notice the false bravado. Unfortunately, she attributed Stef’s demeanor to reluctance. “We don’t have to go anywhere.” She offered, giving Stef an out.

Stef’s stomach fell, her eyes opening wide, “You want that?” She realized just how much she wanted, needed this date.

“No, I mean, it’s just,” Lena had to be honest if this was going to work out. “I know this is new for you and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

Stef reached for Lena, guiding her towards the coffee table. She took the flowers from her hands and put them down. “Lena, please be patient with me. I can’t guarantee that I won’t falter. It’s very new to me. You have to trust that I want to do right by you.”

Lena took a deep breath. “I may falter as well. This is new for me too.”

“New? Lena, I’ve seen the pictures of women around your house,” Stef spoke as she gestured around, signaling the many pictures hanging on walls and sitting on shelves.

Lena smiled, realizing they hadn’t had any of these conversations, “Yes, I have…” Lena tried to find the right words, “been intimate with women before.” She noticed Stef wince and briefly look away. “But this is different. You’re different.”

“I am?” A puzzled Stef looked back at Lena.

“You are.” Lena took Stef’s hands in her own. She tenderly caressed the tender skin between her fingers, “I’ve never felt like this before.”

Stef smiled, “Me neither. And I’ve only been with a couple of men.” She wanted to be completely honest. They stood in the middle of the room, holding hands, caught in each other’s stare again.

With another smile, Stef urged them on, “Let’s get out of here or we won’t have a date.” She took Lena’s hand and led her out of the house.

Lena wasn’t expecting Stef to keep holding her hand once they went past the door. She knew how she’d felt the first time she held a girl’s hand in public. She wasn’t going to push Stef, coming out had to be done on its own terms. The only thing she needed from Stef now was to stop pretending.

Stef was very aware of dropping Lena’s hand, but she was worried about violence. She was a cop. She knew how that went. So she turned towards Lena and smiled hoping that small gesture would make it up to Lena. Lena returned the smile, acknowledging she understood.

Once outside, Stef opened the door to the car and held it up for Lena. She wanted to be everything Lena needed and ever dreamed of. She’d have to find the courage to find out Lena’s particular needs and somehow manage to meet them. Lena smiled appreciatively and stepped inside the car. She recalled the last woman who held the door open for her and it wasn’t exactly a pleasant memory.

Quickly, Stef stepped around the car and came in the other side. “So, are you in the mood for something in particular?” Stef asked suddenly realizing that maybe her choice wasn’t up to par.

Lena couldn’t help but grin at her charming date, “You didn’t think this through, did you?”

“I did,” Stef corrected quickly. “I just…” She sighed, nervously taping the steering wheel. “It is our first date and I want to make sure it’s up to your standard.”

“Stef,” Lena took those anxious digits and held them in her hand. “Look at me.”

Reluctantly, Stef turned towards Lena and looked into her eyes. She saw the same open look they’d always shared. She knew well that whatever followed would be honest and true. It had always been like this for them.

“I don’t care where I am, as long as I am with you.” She looked down and swallowed. Then, somehow, Lena found the courage to continue, “And that you want to be mine.”

Stef smiled, “I do. You know I do. I am here and I am not going anywhere.” Stef had spoken of her love earlier that day and she’d never felt so committed. The words she had said had been a stronger bond than vows she might have once said with Mike. She was a woman of her word, nothing meant more to her than that.

“Well, we should go _somewhere_ because I am hungry.” Lena wanted to believe Stef, so she shook away her insecurity.

Stef could read the hesitation and leaned in across the seats filling in the gap between them. She got close enough to see Lena’s pupils dilate. She looked down from her eyes to her plump lips. Lena’s generous features comprised the most beautiful face Stef has ever seen. She looked back up, seeking permission. She saw no reluctance and let her heart meet Lena’s in a tender kiss. “I am not going to keep you waiting…” Stef whispered between kisses, her lips resting on the corner of Lena’s mouth, “….hungry.” The atmosphere in the car heated quickly as her words took on a double meaning.

Lena whimpered, very aware of the ache between her legs and the longing in her heart. She was suddenly starving for her blonde cop, who was so very giving and willing.

Stef coughed aware of the play on words. She was embarrassed because she hadn’t started out making innuendos, but she had meant it the other way as well and that scared her. Stef wasn’t sure she knew what to do with all the feelings coursing through her body.

“Well then, um, I have a place, a small Italian place that my family has always enjoyed.” It was actually difficult for Stef to pick a place. She knew a lot of cop joints, but she was pretty sure she didn’t want Lena at any of them. For one, Lena would not fit in, for another, they were places she frequented with Mike. She wanted a fresh start. She didn’t want Lena to retread any part of her past relationships. This was a small place their dad had taken them to since she was a kid. It was a family business that was still run by the same family.

“I love Italian.” Lena honestly didn’t care. She just wanted Stef. She’d travelled the world, had dined with important people in the fanciest of restaurants, but all that had gotten her was a broken heart.

“Italian it is.” Stef put the car into gear and felt an optimism she’d never felt in her life. She had so much to look forward to. This woman felt like her future.

Once inside, Stef found herself unsure, she knew Lena was a wine person, but all she’d ever ordered here was beer. Lena could see the hesitation when the waiter asked them if they wanted anything to drink. Lena had been looking at the wine list, “do you mind?” She asked Stef, wanting to let her off the hook.

Stef smiled sensing what Lena what was doing. “Not at all.” Stef watched Lena confidently discussing the choices and say names she wasn’t sure she could pronounce.

Lena handed the wine list back and looked around the room. It was a cozy family restaurant, no pretense here, she knew the food would be tasty.

“I wouldn’t know how to begin to order wine,” Stef admitted, having no desire to hide anything from this woman.

“Don’t worry, you’ll learn because I love my wine.” And suddenly the room shrank to just the two of them.

Stef stared deeply into Lena’s dark eyes, “I want to know everything you love.” She watched as Lena pulled a strand of her hair behind her ear. Stef responded with the widest most open smile Lena had ever seen. It was infectious and she had to respond with one of her own.

“I want the same from you.” And they stayed there quietly smiling at each other, feeling a little better acquainted. Lena finally broke the silence. “I bet you like beer,” Lena wagered.

“I do. Dark beer.” Stef leaned forward, needing to feel a bit closer to Lena.

As they settled into the conversation, the wine arrived. Stef watched as the waiter poured it for Lena. After quick swirl, sniff and sip, Lena nodded and both their glasses were filled.

“What were you looking for?”

Lena shrugged, “There’s an elusive quality, you don’t know until you find it. And when you do, you know it’s right.” They both knew that she wasn’t just talking about wine.

“Was it… right?” Stef inquired.

Lena raised her eyebrow, “the wine?”

Stef chuckled, embarrassed to ask. “Yes. Me. Both.” She had this need to know what it had been like for Lena.

Lena chuckled, “The wine is perfect for tonight. And you, you have always felt right.”

“Really?” Stef still needed reassurance.

“From the moment I met you. There was something so honest and earnest about you. You seemed very solid. I found you very compelling. Couldn’t you tell?”

“I could tell something happened between us and honestly, I’d never felt anything like it. I am not sure I recognized it as attraction, but in retrospect, that’s certainly what it was for me. But back then,” she paused looking for the right words. “I knew we’d made some kind of connection.”

“Once I remembered you were married, I tried to be more professional, but I found it so hard to do. You were so attractive, so charming and so unaware.” Lena winked.

“And you were drop dead gorgeous.” The words came out before embarrassment took over. “I mean, you still are.” Stef dared to look at Lena, who lifted her eyebrows seemingly still in disbelief. “You had to be, to knock me right out of my denial.”

Lena laughed, “I couldn’t believe you were straight. You seemed so gay to me.”

“Really? In what ways?”

“Well, you are a cop,” they both laughed, “but seriously, it was the way you looked at me. It made me question who you were. You looked at me like a woman who wanted women, like a woman who wanted me.”

“Hmm…” Stef was just beginning to understand herself. She’d gone on denying herself for so long.

“So you liked me then?” Stef wasn’t going to stop till she got the whole story.

“I did. It was instant, but you were…” Lena stopped herself, realizing her mistake, “are married. I had to stay away.”

Stef reached for Lena’s hand, “I won’t be for long. I promise.”

Lena smiled, wanting to believe. She started to pull her hand away but Stef held on to it tight, even when the waiter returned to refill their water.

“So, you weren’t going to talk to me?” Stef finally released Lena’s slim hand, relieved that she had been able to hold it with the waiter there. It seemed to put Lena at ease.

“Oh Stef, I avoided you like the plague. You were dangerous. But destiny had this way of bringing me to you. Your son needed the school’s help, and then that darn book club.”

“I couldn’t believe it when you walked in there. My dreams were coming true. I’d never been happier. I wanted your friendship so badly.” Lena winced at the word and Stef picked up on it. Opening up was hard for Stef, who was realizing some of these things for the first time, “But I wanted to be more than your friend, I just didn’t understand it. I just needed you.”

A current sparked down Lena’s body, she sat up on her chair, “On the other hand, I knew, I knew exactly what I wanted, but I didn’t think we could have it. I really cursed my luck when you were at the book club. It was a bit of a nightmare.”

“I am sorry.” Stef stopped herself, knowing she needed to be more honest. “I can’t even promise I won’t make any more mistakes.”

Lena nodded, “Thank you, but I know what I am getting into now, bringing someone out.”

“Bringing someone out?” Stef genuinely didn’t understand. She’d heard of coming out of the closet, but what was Lena talking about?

“I forget how much you don’t know. I am bringing you out of the closet. It’s a big responsibility for people. It could go wrong in so many ways. It’s a risk many aren’t willing to take.”

“But you are?” Stef was almost afraid of the answer.

Lena sighed and whispered, “Yes, I can’t help it.”

“I am not going to let you down Lena.” Stef took Lena’s hand again and stroked the soft digits.

“Tell me about that first girl.” Lena changed the subject, still unsure.

Stef wasn’t sure she could talk about this again, but she knew she had to. “I was a kid and we were very close. My father picked up on it, better than I did. I just thought it was friendship. We never did anything but cuddle but my dad sent me to Pastor Dan to straighten me out.” Stef stopped and looked out the window. “It worked.”

“Hmm… not forever.” Lena managed a smile.

“Nope. Looking back, I can see that I was crazy about my friend.”

“Is that why you think you are a lesbian now?” Lena questioned Stef because in her most optimistic dreams, Stef would have revealed bisexuality. Instead, she’d gone much further.

Stef could hear the doubt in her voice. Stef hated opening her heart. “I am. It wasn’t easy but yeah, Tess and you are the key to that closet you spoke of. A lot of the things that I felt for you reminded me of Tess. The way I wanted to be close to you, for you to hold me and touch me. I remembered feeling that way and it wasn’t with my husband, it was with Tess. But with you, it was so much more intense. I couldn’t ignore it. I want to know you, every part of you, in every way and I’ve never even felt anything close to that for any man.”

“What about Mike?” Lena couldn’t help but ask.

“Mike? Mike was a friend. I felt comfortable with him and I thought that was enough, especially when I got pregnant.”

“What do you mean?” Lena inquired.

Stef stopped again. She’d never said these words before, “I married Mike because I got pregnant.”

So much made sense to Lena now, “Oh Stef.”

“It was like some romantic comedy in reverse. I was dragged, kicking and screaming into the chapel. My dad leading the way, lots of accusations of ‘bastard’ thrown around.” Stef looked down, lost in the memory.

“You told your dad you’re gay?” Stef nodded. Lena continued, “How did he take it?”

“Not well. I didn’t expect him to.” Stef sighed.

“Can you handle it?” Lena wondered.

Stef looked at Lena, “I think he is what has been keeping me from my truth, but Lena I have glimpsed what true joy is. I can’t go back now. I think subconsciously, I have been separating from him anyway. I have already given up the church. I gave him that marriage but I took everything else. I resented him, I just didn’t understand why. I even stopped going to games with him.” Baseball was everything to them growing up. She just couldn’t be with her dad for any length of time without feeling uncomfortable. “I know why now, but I have to live my life. I told you, I need to be with you.” Stef held Lena’s gaze, “Guess I am going to have to show you.”

And she did, they ordered their food and talked about everything and nothing. They already knew they could talk and be friends, but here in the restaurant in a romantic setting, they found so much more in each other. Conversation had never been easier, Lena laughed at Stef’s dumb jokes and Stef was surprisingly able to keep up with Lena’s more intellectual topics. And throughout, a sweet tension between them was developing. Stef had never been so obsessed by someone’s mere presence. She was keeping track of the times Lena touched her hair, wanting to be the one touching it. She found herself mesmerized each time Lena bit her bottom lip, each time she blushed when Stef complimented her. Stef had no idea she could be charming and complimentary. The words were pouring out because she felt them. Lena was beautiful and tender. She had worried so much about what it would be like with a woman and so far it was more natural than anything she’d ever done. Flirting with Lena was a secret language she’d always known.

Lena recognized this game better than Stef and knew well where their energy was taking them. She tried not to look at Stef’s hand and think of those fingers all over her body, but it was there in the back of her mind, the entire night.

They went back to Lena’s place, agreeing on a cup of coffee. Soon, they found themselves on the couch. It was the pull that had been driving them all night. Stef surprised herself by setting Lena’s cup down on the table. She’d been thinking about those lips all night and couldn’t contain herself any longer. She didn’t want to talk, she just wanted to feel. She pulled Lena tight to her and began kissing her with an urgency she’d never felt. Lena melted in her arms and let her set the pace. She wanted to devour Lena, taste her sweet lips for an eternity. The urgency increased with each kiss, their bodies pressed against each other. Stef slipped her tongue inside warm inviting lips. She allowed herself the pleasure of discovering Lena’s mouth with her own. With an amateur’s enthusiasm, Stef wasn’t even slowing down to take a breath. Soon she found herself attempting to lay them both down on the couch.

Lena placed her hand on Stef’s chest, “Slow down, baby.” Lena didn’t mean to use the sweet term, but it slipped from her mouth after the intimacy they’d just shared.

Stef was a bit embarrassed at the way she’d lost her head. “I am sorry.”

Lena shook her head vehemently, “No Stef. Don’t be sorry.” She could see the guilt etched on the blonde’s face. The last thing Lena wanted to was encourage that feeling in someone who’d just come out. She reached up to caress Stef’s soft cheeks, “Never be sorry for your feelings, for your… desires.” Lena’s voice dropped on the last word.

“I am embarrassed. I …” Stef was going to have a hard time articulating all these things.

Lena took Stef’s face in her hands, “Tell me.”

“I can’t even think, with your hands on me.” Stef swallowed, avoiding Lena’s gaze. “I have never felt that, this thing on the couch. I just and we were just…” Stef was really trying to speak her feelings, but it was overwhelming.

“That’s normal Stef, I feel that.” Lena whispered, willing the blonde to look her way.

“Then, why did you stop me?” Stef wondered.

“It’s too fast, we can’t do it all in one day. There’s no rush.” Lena finally understood this crisis.

Stef nodded realizing the truth in that statement, because she wasn’t really sure what “all” entailed.

Lena dropped her hands to her lap, “You just made your decision, it’s too soon.” With the sudden ownership of a relationship, Lena allowed herself to claim a stake in Stef’s decisions.

“Are you doubting me? I made my mind up. This is who I am Lena. It’s done. I am a lesbian.” Stef couldn’t believe Lena was telling her what to do.

“It’s a big decision, I don’t want either of us to have regrets. I want you to be really ready.” Lena sweetened her tone and reached for Stef’s hand.

The touch and the look in Lena’s eyes softened Stef, who nodded. “Ok, but I know. I need you to know, this is it. I know.” And she picked up Lena’s hand to place a kiss on her fingers.

As the moment grew quiet, Lena flirted, “That doesn’t mean we can’t kiss.”

Stef shook her head, “I am not sure I can control myself.”

Lena realized how inexperienced Stef was and tried to recall her first youthful kisses, so full of passion and urgency. “Just follow me, I’ll slow us down.”

Stef surrendered to Lena and let her lead them in this new journey.


	16. Reality Dose

Dazed, Stef arrived at her home, her lips swollen, her entire being flushed. This was her life now: unimaginable bliss at her fingertips. It couldn’t be that easy. Stepping through the doors of her house, she realized just how true that was.

“Stef, you are awfully late,” a masculine voice slurred.

“Um, Mike, what are you doing here?”

Mike’s strut was unsure as he approached Stef, “Brandon called me, said he was lonely.”

Stef didn’t believe any of that. She sighed and wondered if she’d made her bed for life. He had just become a bucket of ice water, a reality shot she didn’t need today. Stef used her most authoritative voice, “Well, I am here now, so you can go.”

Mike was not going to make it easy, “You can’t be leaving him alone like this Stef, it’s late.”

Stef stepped in, refusing to close her door, “Mike, my mom is here, he’s not alone.”

“Well, if this is what your new lifestyle will entail, I am not sure this is what is best for Brandon.”

One day, she couldn’t even get one day before this began. All her fears realized in one statement. How was she going to make this all work? And work it had to because Stef had made a decision and after tonight, there’s no way she’d deny this any longer. “Mike, you are in no position to judge what is best for Brandon right now.”

Mike got closer to Stef, attempting to touch Stef’s elbow, “I just want to know if you were out with this woman at this hour.”

Stef deftly ducked his touch, “This is what this is about, not Brandon. And it’s none of your business. Where is Brandon anyway?” Stef slipped past Mike and could smell the alcohol coming off him in waves.

“He’s sleeping.” Stef could now clearly hear the slur in his words.

“Then why are you still at my house? Go home and sleep it off Mike.”

“Stef, I just, please, were you with her? Can’t I have another shot?” Mike was not above begging, the reality not having fully settled.

“Mike, I won’t talk to you unless you’re sober. We are over. That’s all you need to know right now.” Stef was hoping to avoid having to call the police. That would create more problems for him than she cared to bring on. He was still the father of her son.

“Fine Stef, but this is not over.” Stef managed to push him out and was relieved to see him leave her home.

“Sleep it off in the car, I’ll call you a cab just in case.” Stef yelled out the door, knowing Mike would not listen to her.

Sharon came out of the kitchen. “I am sorry, he just barged in here. Luckily, Brandon had gone to bed.”

“We have to do something because he can’t be doing that. I don’t know what I am going to do mom.” Stef nervously ran her hand over her hair as she plopped down on the couch.

“Just give him time. This is something he never considered. I was more prepared.” Sharon patted Stef’s back.

“I hope so mom because, I can’t go back.” Stef recalled all the joy of her evening and she knew she couldn’t live her life without that anymore.

“So, your date went well?” Sharon was certain that this was not a passing fancy for Stef but she didn’t know how this thing with Lena would turn out.

Stef couldn’t keep the erupting smile inside, “Wonderful. She’s wonderful.” And realizing she was speaking to her mother she tried to rein in the sensual feelings just thinking about her brought. “She’s my girlfriend now.” Stef spoke proudly, no more hidden truths.

Sharon was surprised but tried not to show it. “Well, then stick to that.” Sharon knew how insistent ex-husbands could be.

“Yes, I just, I don’t know how I am going to handle it.” And she realized there was one person she needed to talk to, Lena. And she actually had the right to call her, they were girlfriends right? “Mom, I am going to head to bed. It’s been a long day. You can stay here if you want, I know it’s late.”

“No, I am heading home, but next time, maybe he can stay with me. Oh and I’ll call the cab and go check outside just in case.” Sharon had known Mike for a long time and couldn’t help feeling a bit of sympathy.

Stef headed to bed, she was too tired to do anything but strip down to her underwear to call Lena.

“Hello…” an expectant voice answered.

“Lena, it’s Stef.”

“I was hoping you’d call,” tender tones gave way to a quiet admission, “I worry.”

Stef smiled, “I got home just fine.” Then Stef remembered. “It wasn’t fine once I got home, though.”

“What happened?” Lena became slightly alarmed.

Stef took a deep breath, “Mike was here.”

“Mike? Did you leave him with Brandon?”

“No,” Stef almost shouted. “I left him with mom, Mike showed up drunk, claiming Brandon was lonely. Honestly Lena, I don’t know what I am going to do if this is the way it’s going to be.”

“Stef, that’s awful. He didn’t do anything, did he?” Now Lena was actually worried.

“No, he left. He started saying I was unfit.” These were the fears that Stef had not actually spoken to Lena about.

“You won’t be found unfit for going on a date with a woman, or for being gay.” Lena assured her.

Stef remembered Kelly’s advice but she didn’t fully believe it, “Really?”

Lena smiled into the phone, “Really. Don’t let him get to you. It’s not about Brandon at all is it?”

“No, he was very curious about where I was.” Stef admitted.

“Does he know about me?”

“No,” then thought better of it, “Yes.” She sighed into the phone, “He knows there’s someone, someone named Lena. I didn’t mean to say your name. It just came out.”

“Don’t worry, he’s going to find out,” Lena asserted, then corrected herself, “If this lasts…”

“Lena, I can’t be fighting him, and dad, and you. You need to accept this truth, stop questioning me.” Stef’s voice rose in frustration. She’d had enough for one day.

Lena knew Stef was right. “Ok, Stef. I am sorry, we’re in this together. You did ask me to be your girlfriend today.”

“I did and I meant it. I wanted nothing but to call you when he left. Just hearing your voice made everything better.” Lena’s quick apology appeased Stef.

“Good. So don’t worry about me. I am not afraid of him and I am not hiding, so things are going to have to come out.”

Stef couldn’t imagine not worrying about this entire situation. “I just wish things were cut and dry and he’d just accept things.”

“He just found out, give it time. Plus, if he’s showing up drunk, you can use that.” Lena suggested.

Stef shook her head into the phone, “No, no, I can’t. He’s my son’s father, I wouldn’t.” She didn’t want Brandon to grow up with this gossip all around him.

“Look, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I realize, we haven’t talked about this. Are you getting a divorce?” Lena didn’t want to push Stef into anything, but this was one question she desperately needed answered.

Stef nodded furiously, as if Lena could see her, “Yes, I am. I want to get started on that right away. We have some access to that through my job but I don’t know. My job makes me uncomfortable at the moment.”

Lena prodded gently, “Because of Mike?”

“Yes, everyone knows him there.”

Lena couldn’t imagine what working with the person you were divorcing would be like, “I can help. I have friends who work with gay families. I think that might be your best bet.”

“Kelly offered help too. I would appreciate that Lena, I just don’t know if I can afford it.”

“They have sliding scales, don’t worry. We’ll work it out.” Lena’s soothing voice was beginning to convince Stef. Relief flooded through Stef, she wasn’t going through this alone. She had Lena at her side. Lena who had always managed to make things better. Stef settled in the comfortable silence, feeling the care and support coming through the phone. “Um, I miss you.”

Lena was left speechless for a second, “Oh Stef, I miss you too.”

“Do you think that um, I could join you for lunch tomorrow?”

Lena burned with the need to see her cop but she hesitated, “I just saw you today.”

Immediately hurt, Stef retreated, “Yeah, but, never mind.”

This time it was Lena who reacted, “I am sorry. I was doubting you again. And I said I wouldn’t. I’d love to, but I work.”

Stef smiled, “Trust me, I’ll bring something.”

Lena quickly agreed, relieved Stef was so eager to see her. “Yes, ok, I think I’d like that.”


	17. Gossip

At the station, Stef felt something she’d never felt before. She was on display; everyone’s eyes were on her. In their gaze, she saw either judgment or amusement. For a second she wondered what it might be like for Mike, but she couldn’t worry about him on top of everything. He didn’t seem to be here, perhaps the hangover had kept him home. They would certainly be the gossip of choice for the foreseeable future. By the hushed whispers, she could tell her friend had done her job. She’d spread her news far and wide. Mike probably knew by now that she was out to the entire department. One of his buddies had to have told him. She could see a couple of them chuckling, looking her way.

But there were some eyes that weren’t critical, eyes that held sympathy. There were the eyes of the women she’d carefully avoided throughout the years. These were the lesbians of the station. The ones she’d avoided simply for being a bit too masculine or for gossip she herself had heard. She’d always managed to not get close to any of them. She’d just never wanted to be associated with them. Her denial had kept them all at arm’s length, part of her always actively keeping her in the closet.

As Stef tried not to stare around the room, her eyes landed on one woman, Lieutenant Roberts. She smiled at Stef and nodded before moving on to her job. She was the one lesbian she hadn’t been able to ignore as she was respected by the entire squad. She was no-nonsense and people could see she would rise. She’d always been fair to Stef, who in turn had always acknowledged her presence and taken her advice. Now, they had something in common and it seemed that to the Lieutenant, those things wouldn’t make a difference.

It had always been difficult being a woman on the force, being a lesbian would be doubly hard. Thank god she didn’t work at her dad’s station. When she started, she’d made sure of her independence. Now, she was doubly grateful to have resisted her dad’s multiple requests to join him. She would not be able to stand the stares of his buddies. As it was, she knew some of the old cops here would certainly be calling Frank. Frank, who would probably disown her in their presence.

The morning crawled thanks to the stares and the mountain of paperwork. Still, she was grateful to not have to be on the beat with her partner today. She couldn’t handle any interrogation at this moment. The only thing she was looking forward to was Lena.

She would stop by and get her Chinese food. She knew Lena liked that and they could share it. Maybe she could get Lena to leave the office. She hadn’t really gotten far in her conversation with Lena regarding lunch. Well, she’d just have to surprise her.

_____________________

The secretaries were not surprised to see a certain blonde cop show up at their counter. By now, they were used to the visits that she would pay Ms. Adams for student success meetings. But, this particular visit wasn’t scheduled and she seemed to be bringing food with her.

“I'm here to see Ms. Adams,” Stef spoke confidently as she typically did when she came to see Lena. Although, this time was different, this time it was personal.

“Is she expecting you?” Jane, the office manager, asked with curiosity.

“Yeah, she is.” Stef nodded, rocking back and forth on her feet. Her anxiety growing.

“Ok, sign in here,” Jane pointed to the visitor log, “I’ll go and tell her.”

While Stef signed in, Jane made her way over to Lena’s office. She knocked on the door and was called in by Lena. “Ms. Adams, Mrs. Foster is here…” Lena smiled in response and Jane continued, “… with some food.”

And then Lena nervously deflected, pretending to be busy with some papers. “Yeah send her in.” Jane lifted her eyebrow but said nothing as she exited the office.

Lena watched Stef come in with a bag of Chinese food. “I didn’t know if you’d be able to take off for lunch, maybe we could go to the nearby park.” Seeing Lena’s confused look, she added, “Whatever you want.”

Lena locked the door before the secretaries could hear more. “Oh Stef, I'm so glad to see you.” And she was, she just hadn’t thought things through. Gossip. Those secretaries were the worst. They all knew she was gay. She assumed they knew. She’d come out long ago, but it had all been theory. Here was this tough butchy cop coming to her door, clearly on a social call. A parent no less. A married parent. This could get out of hand quickly.

“Really? You don’t seem particularly glad.” All Stef had been thinking about was Lena and coming to see her, the lukewarm response had been puzzling at best.

“I am, I just… the secretaries like to gossip.” And suddenly Stef understood. She knew well from this morning how difficult that would be.

“Ahh, I thought you, you know, you were out.” Stef didn’t have the lingo down yet. She set the food down on the desk.

“I am, it’s just. I haven’t really dated in this position and, um, you’re a parent at this school.” Lena said it as if it could explain it all. Lena didn’t take her normal seat, she sat across the desk, next to Stef.

“That’s a problem?” Stef wondered just how many obstacles they’d have to deal with.

Lena shrugged. “I don’t know, I think we should be careful for now.” She knew it was unprofessional at best, but it happened all the time.

“Are you ashamed?”

“NO,” Lena spoke firmly.

“Because, I'm dealing with a lot too, the gossip at my work, yeah I'm a parent at your school. But I work with my husband.” Stef took a sigh. “Soon to be ex-husband.”

Lena was about to question Stef again when she remembered her promise. “It’s gonna be tough,” she said instead. They sat there in silence for a while, each lost in their thoughts.

Finally, it was Stef that reached for Lena’s hands, “So? Food?”

Lena smiled and nodded. “Let’s do it here.” She was going to have to risk it for now. This could be played off in a variety of ways in case anyone asked. _Stef was grateful and thought this was the only way to make it up to the vice-principal._ Eventually, they’d have to face the consequences. That is, if things worked out between them. The question kept haunting her.

“Is this our second date, then?” Stef wanted to drown in the feelings still erupting from her heart. With all the problems, she still felt better here with Lena than she had all day.

“I guess it is, food equals date.” Lena flashed her first genuine smile of the day. She was proud of who she was, she just wasn’t sure about this relationship.

“I feel like we have all these things to talk about, all of them serious.” Stef said as she scooped some noodles on a plate.

“We aren’t kids Stef, things get serious. You have a husband, a kid.” Lena thought about Brandon just a couple of buildings away.

“I know, but, um, we should get that lawyer on this. I think that would make me, all of us, feel better. I want to be free.” She stopped and stared at Lena meaningfully, “for you.”

Lena blushed, “Stef, you say such things and I believe you.”

“You should, I am going to make it happen. It’s a done deal. I think the hardest part is behind us.” Stef confidently took Lena’s hand.

Lena wondered if that was true for her. She’d been so hurt before. Embarking on this now would require such courage and she was so frightened . “Aren’t you scared?”

Stef played with Lena’s fingers, “For the first time in my life, I'm not. I faced my dad and my husband. I never thought I could do those things, never. And just being here with you, it’s my reward.”

Lena had to admit her fears, “I am scared.”

“Your job?” Stef asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No, not my job, I mean, some but no. I have faced tough situations. I’ve been out since I was a kid. And people weren’t exactly nice about it.”

Stef hadn’t heard this, she did the only thing she could, she took Lena in her arms, attempting to comfort her. “I'm sorry.”

Lena relaxed in her embrace, then pulled back to continue. “I learned to be tough Stef, so people don’t matter to me, but you. You matter. I am scared about us.”

Stef worried that maybe she should be worried about them, but she wasn’t. “It’s my fault. I get that. I’ve said it before, but I’ll show. I'm here now. And I’ll keep showing up till you get it.”

Lena had never begun a relationship where the stakes were so high. Stef was giving up so much for her. And then there was her kid. Their relationship should be more solid before they involved a kid. Yet, Brandon had brought them together, he’d always been there in the middle. “Are you going to tell Brandon?”

And that was a thought Stef had never actually had. She knew Lena was great with kids and that Brandon was already fond of her. She hadn’t thought about what it meant to tell him. “I hadn’t thought about it.”

Lena tried not to react but failed. These were exactly the things she worried Stef hadn’t thought through. This is why she was hesitating. Stef wasn’t ready. She so wanted her to be ready, but she wasn’t sure how much commitment to make.

“I know. I know. I'm missing a lot of details.” Stef looked so lost, and yet so achingly beautiful.

And Lena remembered why she was taking this chance. This woman in front of her was everything she’d ever wanted in a partner. “We’ll work it out.” They ate mostly in silence, commenting on the food. Trying for just a moment to forget the serious aspects of their life. Just enjoying being in each other’s company.

Suddenly, Stef stopped, “You make me crazy.”

Lena arched her eyebrow surprised. “I do?”

“You do, you know it. I want to see you tonight. I know you said we should slow down. I know I can’t be leaving Brandon alone all the time, but I want to see you.” Stef looked deep into Lena’s eyes, drowning and dying to kiss her.

Lena could feel the heat of Stef’s stare all the way down to her toes. “I want to see you too. You’ve already made me throw caution to the wind.” She stopped, suddenly thinking, “Maybe I could come over this time.”

Stef’s face lit up, “I wouldn’t need a sitter. I can cook something.”

“If you’re sure.” Lena was hopeful.

“Yep, I am sure. Brandon will need to start getting used to you as someone special in my life.” This felt like progress. They were good together. “Ok, it’s time for me to head back to work. Um…” Stef seemed unsure for the first time that afternoon.

“Yes?” Lena questioned, worried.

Stef shook her head, took a big breath and blew it out all at once, “Can I kiss you?”

Lena smiled. The shutters to her windows firmly closed, “You never have to ask.” And they leaned into each other. A tender meeting of lips, full of feeling, and longing. Lena felt Stef pull her closer, and she placed her own hands around Stef’s neck. She could feel the tender blonde strands underneath her fingers. After a short while, she dragged her hand down to the front near Stef’s chest and tenderly pushed her away. “I am at work,” she whispered into the other’s lips.

Stef tried to compose herself, “Right.” She opened her eyes, still amazed that she saw such feelings coming through those dark eyes. She’d never felt so loved before in her whole life. “Well, I’ll see you later,” Stef spoke, hoping this kiss would give her the courage to get through the afternoon. She walked out of that office, with her best strut, daring anyone of those secretaries to say one word. They didn’t.


	18. Family Dinner

Thankfully, the afternoon did move quickly for both women. They were desperate to see each other. In some ways, they were beyond dating. They already knew the most casual things about each other. It was time to get to know each other in a way that only intimacy could bring. Stef was ready to open up her world and she couldn’t think of a better way than having dinner at her place with Lena and Brandon.

Thoughts of her son reminded her about how little thought she’d given Brandon. Not in terms of leaving Mike, she’d give him plenty of thought in regards to his dad. She had not thought about what it might mean to tell him about Lena. This coming out business was turning out to be more involved than she had imagined. She had tried to do it one fell swoop, but it seemed like this would be an ongoing process. Even Lena was still having coming out issues. She’d have to tell Brandon at some point, but what did you tell such a young boy? Stef didn’t know, but she did know that he’d have to get to know Lena better. Logic told her to wait, to see how things turned out. Her heart told her that her truth was Lena. This was going to work out.

She could no longer ignore her little boy. Lena was going to be a frequent visitor and she’d have to find a way to make her feel welcome. One good thing was that her boy was already fond of her. She decided to go up to his room and prep him for the visit. She would wait on the tougher subject of the nature of their relationship.

Brandon was playing with a puzzle when she walked in his room, “Brandon, you know how Ms. Adams came over for our book club and she’s my friend?” Stef eased into the subject.

Brandon lit up, “Ms. Adams is my friend at school. She takes care of me on the yard.” Brandon was a well-spoken boy for his age.

“She does?” Stef was now curious.

Brandon nodded furiously.

“Every day?” Stef tried to push him.

Brandon nodded again, “She plays games with me and helps me with bullies.”

Stef smiled, _Lena had been taking care of her boy_. It pleased her in ways she could not explain. “Well, she’s going to be coming over more.”

“Here?” Brandon was both nervous and excited.

“Yes.”

Brandon wondered, “Will I go stay with Grandma again?”

“No, you get to stay. She’s coming over tonight. Mommy is very fond of Lena.” Stef measured her words carefully, she didn’t want to lie to Brandon.

“Can I call her Lena?”

“We’ll have to ask her when she gets here, OK? Meantime, come help me get ready.” Stef had taught Brandon good manners and he helped set the table. Stef had been cooking with Brandon since he was a little kid. He’d set the plates, but also helped Stef stir. Stef had enjoyed her little boy from the time he was born. For a while, it had made her marriage bearable. She had believed that her unhappiness with Mike was worth it each time she held the tiny little body next to hers. Each feeding gave her a sense of family and completeness that fooled her into thinking her marriage was working. In time, she got used to being a mom and was able to separate her feelings for Brandon with her overall discontent and her resentment grew. She wasn’t happy away from Brandon.

At first, leaving Mike had been about prioritizing her life and Brandon’s life. Their daily life had become a string of arguments. Stef had always enjoyed Mike’s company, in small doses. Working and living with him was intolerable. His mere presence began to irritate her. The only times they got along were the times when they’d watch baseball together. Domestically, they did not mesh. Everything at home was a fight. They held the same job and Mike still expected her to do all the parenting, cleaning and cooking. She’d assumed all couples had the same fights, and perhaps they did. And maybe if that’s all it had been, she could have continued in that marriage

Yet, it was in the quiet mundane moments that Stef struggled the most. The times when they’d sit together at a dinner table and struggle with conversation that didn’t have to do with their job. The times they’d lounge around, watch a movie and have completely different opinions about it. And going to bed each night had become a nightmare, saying and doing anything to get it over with. For a while after Brandon was born, Mike left Stef off the hook with sex. Then, the demands returned. Stef remembered how she’d do just about anything to avoid that intimacy. And she was pretty successful at it too. Before their separation, she’d avoided him for months. And even through those times, bedtime was a nightmare. The second he’d lay down next to her, she’d picture herself anywhere but where she was: next to a man whose smell she’d begun to resent. And then the drinking began, each evening Mike would drink. And finally, Stef couldn’t take it. She asked him to move out or seek counseling. Since Mike couldn’t submit to a therapist, he’d agreed to a trial separation.

She’d never imagined that it would be the end of their relationship, she’d thought that they would get back together after sorting out their problems. She’d believed that with all her heart because the alternative would have been finding another man and honestly, at least she knew Mike.

And now, she realized what had been wrong all along and how unfair it had been to both of them. She only wished Mike could understand that this would be better for everyone in the long run.

Lena’s knock on her door kicked her out of her reverie. Stef felt her body tingle in anticipation. She snuck a quick look down the hall and realized a boy was rushing to the door to meet their guest. A kiss would have to wait and she didn’t want to wait, not anymore, never again. Stef sighed loudly, “Brandon, Lena’s here.” She motioned towards the little boy.

Brandon opened the door wide, excited to be spending time with Lena and his mom at the same time. Lena was excited to see Stef again but also a little nervous. This was her first time in that house, not as a guest, but as a girlfriend. She saw Stef coming down the hall trying to catch up to her little boy, who had promptly launched himself at Lena. She hugged him and watched him run back to Stef, a little embarrassed at having shown such enthusiasm. Lena looked lovingly at the little boy who had captured her heart. He was a part of the woman she loved.

“Sorry,” Stef began with an apology. She had really wanted to greet Lena, sneak in a kiss. She couldn’t do that now.

“Don’t be, he’s exactly what I needed right now. How are you Brandon?”

“Ok,” he beamed.

“You can use more words Brandon.” Stef corrected him quickly.

Brandon looked at his mom and forced the words out, “I am doing well Ms.…” Brandon hesitated, “…Ms. Adams.”

Lena could sense the source of hesitation and added, “You can call me Lena.”

He beamed again, feeling like the most special kid in school.

“I am so glad Brandon.” Lena had the sudden realization that he no longer was just a student. He was something more, but what would her role be like? He didn’t even know anything about what was going on. She forced a smile and walked in. She had made desert for Brandon and brought a bottle of wine for his mom. “I hope you like chocolate.” She took a chance, figuring all kids loved chocolate.

Brandon jumped up and down, “I love chocolate.” He was thrilled as he rarely had homemade dessert.

Lena walked into the kitchen, “Good to know, I will keep it in mind.” Lena promised, she knew that the commitments she was already making to his mother, would hold doubly true for Brandon. They could not afford to play or be unsure, not with a child involved.

Dinner had been light and fun. Lena and Brandon had built a good enough relationship at school that she knew a lot of the things the little boy liked. Stef stared in wonder as the two of them played a familiar word game Lena had taught him. After dinner, they played games till Brandon was finally tired enough to head to bed. Stef headed off to tuck him in, while Lena waited for her on the couch.

Once on the couch, they found it impossible to keep their hands off each other. Lena was supposed to slow them down but she was having a hard time thinking. The intense attraction she’d developed for Stef all these weeks and months was finally given free reign. With a little boy sleeping nearby, they had tried to just hold hands on the couch. They’d sat down and decided to just be together, hold hands and plan their future. Lena thought Stef’s hands were strong and soft at the same time. There was no doubt this woman worked out and had a firm grip on anything she touched. More than anything, Lena wanted Stef to get a firm grip on her, and never let go. So she forgot everything, because the feel of Stef’s body pushing against her, their mouths joined, their tongues exploring deeply, was overwhelming.

“Oh god, Stef.” Lena moaned between kisses. Stef was certain that life did not get better than this. She could feel Lena losing control and it was a completely pleasant surprise. Stef positioned herself on top as she laid Lena across the couch. Instinct and imagination were driving her as she placed her thigh firmly on Lena’s warmth. Stef could feel the wet heat on her leg and her hips began to grind of their own accord. Stef also found sweet relief as she rested on Lena’s thigh. Lena’s hands immediately descended to her ass and pushed her against herself. They were kissing and rocking, their breathing intensifying. This time it was Stef that pulled back, in part because she really wanted to see Lena.

Lena’s hair was splayed out on the couch, her lips looked swollen and her eyes were burning. Stef continued to push into Lena with her hips but found herself slowing the rhythm. “I am going to have to tell my son and quick.”

The mention of a son knocked Lena into awareness, she quickly untangled herself and sat up. “I am sorry Stef. I uh…” Lena was speechless. She couldn’t think of what she had just allowed, with Stef’s son just down the hall.

“Now, I think you know how I felt last night.” Stef giggled. Then, quickly she changed the tone, “Because you want me, and I want you.”

“Stef, I don’t want to rush you.” Lena was very intent on making this easy for Stef and for it to be lasting.

Stef shook her head. “We are adults, and I think I understand what I am feeling.” She reached up and touched Lena’s hair, tucking some strands back into place. “I want you,” she spoke, looking right at Lena. “I know how that feels, I know what you're doing to me and I don’t want to wait. There’s no reason to wait. I’ve been waiting all my life for this,” she looked between them. “For you.”

Lena looked at Stef and knew that she probably wouldn’t have waited under different circumstances. She would have taken Stef to bed and made love to her all night. She sighed, “Not tonight, not here.”

Stef nodded, “I am going to tell Brandon, tomorrow.”

“I thought you were going to tell him about the divorce.” Lena wondered.

Stef sat up, creating a little distance, “I'm afraid Mike might say something. I'm going to break both news to him at once.”

Lena raised her eyebrows, “Do you think that might make him blame me for your divorce?”

Stef shrugged, “I think if I tell him in a positive way it will be better than him finding out by catching us on the couch or worse.”

Lena nodded. “Stef, I want to be here for both of you. I'm not here for a little bit. I want to really work it out with you.”

“You mean… this isn’t a fling?” Stef joked, but part of her wondered what Lena was thinking.

Lena refused to give into the humor, “I think you know I want more. I love you.”

Stef’s heart melted. “I love you too,” she said to Lena for the first time, but while the words were new, the feelings and expressions were not. She’d first opened her heart in that parking lot not that long ago. Lena had understood Stef’s confession then, but was nonetheless thrilled to hear those words for the first time. They kissed tenderly, a soft peck, not wanting to get started again, knowing the stakes. They’d have a long sleepless night, both wondering if a little boy would hold their fate in his hands.


	19. Soon

The next morning, the family of two was getting ready for the day. “I hope Ms. … Lena comes over again,” Brandon expressed as his mom put on his clothes.

Stef took this as her opportunity to start the conversation. She finished putting the shirt over his head and said, “She will Brandon, would that be ok?” Brandon nodded furiously. She knew he was fond of her, but it was also important for him to realize that she wasn’t asking his permission. “Good because, she’s going to be coming over a lot. I like her very much.”

Brandon continued to look at his mom, not really understanding what it all meant. Stef continued, “So you know how your dad and I don’t live together anymore because things were not good here at home?”

Brandon looked at his mommy, “Yeah, you used to fight, but Daddy says that he might come back one day.” His eyes held hope.

Stef had worried about this. “That’s not going to happen Brandon,” She waited for a response, and smoothed the shirt down his arms. “Your dad and I, we’re going to get a divorce. Do you know what that is?” Brandon looked away, unsure. “It means we won’t be married anymore. And that means we won’t ever live in the same place again.” Stef didn’t want to give Brandon any space to misconstrue. “I love your daddy because he gave me you, and we’ll always love you and take care of you. That’s never going to change. It’s just that we’ll continue to live apart because Mommy found something out about herself.” Brandon looked up, sensing this would be new information. “Sometimes, mommies don’t want to kiss and live with daddies. They want to kiss and love other mommies.” She finally paused and waited. When Brandon stayed quiet, she added, “I am one of those mommies.”

Brandon looked confused, “Is that allowed?”

Stef sighed and put her boy on her lap, “Yes, it’s allowed. It’s not wrong, but some people might try to tell you it’s wrong. When boys want to kiss other boys or girls want to kiss other girls, those people are called gay. For 2 girls, they use the word lesbian. Mommy is a lesbian. Mommy is different, but different is ok. It’s good to be different.”

“You’re gonna kiss girls?” Brandon couldn’t picture it.

 _Do it all at once and stick to the facts_ , Stef thought. “Not girls, one woman, Lena. Do you understand?”

Brandon’s eyes shot wide open, “Ms. Lena likes kissing girls too?”

Stef smiled, determined to show little reaction. Lena had told her that people tended to pick up on your vibe when coming out. If you were ashamed, they would sense that shame and react to it. “Yes, she likes me. And I like her. And we want to be together.”

Brandon thought about that, “Ok. Will she be making more desert?”

Stef smiled remembering that small children could be easily bribed, “Yes, I can guarantee she will.”

His face lit up, “Good, I liked it when she came over.”

Stef squeezed her boy and gave him a kiss on the forehead, “That’s good because she’s going to be coming by more often. And you might see us kissing.”

“On the mouth?” Brandon blurted out, completely grossed out.

“Yes, Brandon. On the mouth. That’s what two people who love each other do. They kiss on the lips.” Stef could hardly believe she was having this conversation and that she’d used the word love with him.

“She loves you too?” Brandon suddenly wondered.

“Yes, very much.” Stef hoped the truth would be enough for this little boy whose world was changing so drastically.

Suddenly, his face changed as if he’d remembered something, “Will dad be sad?”

Stef didn’t want to lie, but she didn’t want to make him worry either. “You don’t have to worry about us Brandon, not me and not your dad. We’re going to be fine. We have you and you make us happy.” Stef prayed that Mike could be mature about this or at least keep his disappointment from Brandon.

Brandon nodded but his face did not light up again. Stef knew this wouldn’t be easy for her little boy. She hoped that with time he would accept that this was the best way.

As soon as Stef had a minute alone, she called Lena. “I told him.”

“How did he take it?” Lena was truly worried.

Stef sighed into the phone, “I don’t know. He didn’t say much. I think he understands, but I am worried he didn’t show much reaction.”

Lena wondered, she had very limited experience with this kind of situation. “He probably is processing. I think it’s good though, that you talked to him. You just have to keep talking to him so that he can express himself when he’s ready.”

Stef agreed. She was still very much committed to talking to her boy. She would not be her father. “I just worry it was too much too soon but I couldn’t wait. I could wait a week or two but these two events will unfortunately be connected in his brain.”

Lena worried about this as well. “At least Mike hadn’t been living at home for a while, so he does know that it isn’t like I came in and kicked him out.”

“True. But he’s worried about his dad, Mike had already told him he was maybe coming back someday.” Stef sighed again, wishing Mike didn’t put Brandon in the middle.

Lena sighed as well, “It’s ok, of course he’d worry about his dad. He’s a sensitive boy. He’s picking up on his dad’s mood. We’ll just have to make sure to give him a stable home while Mike’s struggling.” As soon as she said it, Lena realized that she’d included herself in that home. She didn’t want to rush things, but she did not want to let Stef think that she was on her own anymore.

Stef couldn’t help the swoon she felt when thinking about a home that included Lena. This was a reality she was going to make happen. “Hey, speaking of Mike. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. I need to get started on this.”

The news made Lena smile wider than it should have. “Ok, I am here for you.”

Stef was pleased Lena wasn’t questioning her decisions anymore. “It’s going to take six months. No matter what.”

Lena had heard this somewhere, but hadn’t really given it much thought before meeting Stef. “That’s um, six months huh.” Lena had considered waiting before doing anything with Stef but that was a long time to wait. Would this really be considered cheating?

Stef could sense this might become an issue. “It doesn’t matter, it’s a paper.”

Lena interrupted, “It’s an important paper.”

Stef nodded into the phone, “Yes, one that I plan on getting. But I am done with Mike, he and everyone else knows it. You are my relationship now. You have my love, my allegiance, my loyalty and my faithfulness. Mike hasn’t had it in a long time, not since our separation.”

Lena wanted to believe that, she knew that Stef was not a person that wanted to sneak around behind anyone’s back. This had caught them both by surprise. “And you have mine.”

“Good, I don’t need that or any piece of paper to prove that. I know my heart. And it’s yours. I am yours. I am yours in a way that I have never been anyone’s.” Stef felt certain of this and wanted Lena to be as well.

“I am yours too, baby.” Lena sighed into the phone. “I wish I was there with you, staring into your eyes while you say such things to me.”

“I will say them as much as you need to hear them Lena. And I want to see you too.” Stef was beginning to feel a little addicted to Lena’s presence. “I am going to ask my mom to keep Brandon one of these nights.”

Lena didn’t want to hope, “You are?”

Stef smiled, “Yeah, I want… um. Yeah, I am going to ask her and then maybe um, you could come over.”

“Or you could come over to my place.” Lena spoke suggestively, “You could bring an overnight bag.”

Stef’s smile grew bigger, knowing they were both on the same page. “I would like that very much Ms. Adams. In the meantime, why don’t you come over tonight?”

“What about Brandon?” Lena inquired.

“Well, it’s a Saturday, maybe we could watch a movie, if you don’t mind kid’s movies.” Stef hoped Lena wasn’t sick of kids by the weekend.

“I don’t mind them at all.” Lena spoke, then hesitated, “You sure? He’s just had the news.”

Stef sobered, “Yes, I do. I don’t know why, but I think it’s the right thing to do. We aren’t doing anything wrong. And he needs to see it and get used to it. You aren’t going anywhere. You’re in my life now and the sooner this becomes the norm, the better.”

Lena nodded. She’d never considered she’d have an instant family, but if things worked out the way she hoped they would, this was exactly what she was getting. “I think you're right, and if he has any questions. He can ask me.”

Stef chuckled, “I was about to say, you don’t know what you’re getting into, but you work with children… so.”

Lena smiled into the phone, “I do, I know exactly what I am getting into.” Lena meant that in more ways than one. She’d was aware of the cliff she was jumping off and decided to accept whatever fate awaited her at the bottom.

“So, come over and we’ll have a repeat.” Stef added.

“Ok, but I want to cook. I could stop by get some groceries and make something for you guys.” Lena wanted to make a good impression on this little family.

“You’re not going to get an argument from me. I’ll make a salad. I will see you soon, I gotta go feed my boy some lunch.”

Lena was reluctant to let the woman go, but she knew she’d see her soon, “Go and get yourself together then. I now have something to do this afternoon. I’ll see you soon.”

Stef didn’t know how to end her conversations with Lena anymore. “You will Lena.” She decided to add the words they’d already shared. The words she’d inadvertently used with Brandon, “I love you.” Stef had never been the person to proclaim her love at every opportunity but she realized now that it was because she’d never felt love before. This feeling bursting out of her chest needed to be released in words and deeds.

Lena’d heard it before from Stef, and she’d said to her before, but each time it took more and more meaning, “I love you too.”

______________________________________

Later that day, Stef and Lena met for dinner. Lena was so eager to cook a meal with Stef. They really had only done this twice but it had been for the book club. This was the first meal that they would make together. When Lena came to the door, Brandon did not rush out to meet her. Instead, he hung back while Stef greeted her at the door with a surprising kiss on the lips. Lena noticed Brandon look down, but otherwise not react much to the exchange.

“Come in, we’ve been waiting for you. Haven’t we Brandon?” Stef pushed Brandon forward who merely nodded.

Lena decided to engage him right away, “Hi Brandon, how would you like some spaghetti tonight?”

Brandon couldn’t help the eager look on his face. It had been a while since he’d had some homemade Spaghetti and it happened to be his favorite.

Lena smiled, “Well, why don’t you come here and help me.” She handed him a bag with a box of noodles and watched as the little boy became less anxious after being given a task. “I don’t enjoy cooking by myself so I am going to need you and your mommy’s help in finishing this meal.”

“I can’t cook, I only help.” Brandon’s little voice finally made an appearance.

Lena took his free hand and led him to the kitchen, “Excellent because that’s what I’m looking for. A helper.”

She quickly put him to work doing little tasks, carefully monitoring him. She’d never cooked a meal with a child before, but she had baked and made simple things with the kids at school before. This wasn’t any different. The important thing was keeping them safe.

Stef prepared the salad and noticed once again how well they worked together. They managed to say a lot with a look. Even though Lena didn’t know her kitchen well, they shared utensils with a nod and a wink. They avoided knocking into each other while doing all the tasks efficiently. Stef stepped back for a second and saw a perfect vision of her future. This is what she wanted. She had no idea how it would happen, but this was her family. If she got this every night for the rest of her life, she’d be the happiest woman in the world.

Stef stepped into the bathroom while Brandon and Lena were finishing up setting the table, getting ready to share the meal.

“Brandon, your mom talked to you about us?” Lena decided she needed to say something to Brandon.

Brandon nodded, remembering that mommy had indeed kissed Lena like she said might happen.

Lena stepped in front of him and held his hands in hers, “I want you to know that you can ask me anything, anytime you need to talk. You can say anything to me and it’s not going to hurt my feelings. It’s important to me that you know that.”

Brandon nodded again. “Do you really love my mommy?”

Lena smiled, “Yes, I’m in love with your mommy.” Something inside Lena knew this was really fast, and yet she couldn’t stop things that were already in motion. She paused and waited but Brandon seemed done for now. She’d have to remind him often to talk about his feelings. “Come, let’s get the glasses and we’ll be set. Once again, this seemed to distract the boy as Stef got back into the room.

___________________________________________________________________

After dinner, Brandon was less reluctant for bed this time. Everyone sensed that he needed some space to process what was happening. He didn’t want to see any more kissing, but he really did like Lena’s cooking and company.

“I heard you talking to Brandon in the kitchen.” Stef said as she joined Lena on the couch.

Lena sat up concerned, “I hope you don’t mind, I know I didn’t tell you. I wasn’t planning on it. I just...”

Stef stopped her rambling, “It’s fine Lena. I am glad you did. I am trying to be open with him. I’ve always tried to talk to him because my parents never talked to me about anything. I appreciate it that you care and you want things to be ok for him. He’s my boy.”

Lena smiled, relaxing into the couch again, “He sure is, and that’s why I care, he’s part of you. I see you in him and I can’t help but fall for him.”

“So you’re in love with me, eh?” Stef flirted.

Lena grabbed Stef down to her, “Yes, I'm so in love with you. I'm embarking on this crazy adventure with you.”

“You have regrets?” Stef wondered suddenly.

“None at all, I’ve never been happier than in this moment here with you.” Lena kissed her deeply.

“I am in love with you, Lena.” Stef couldn’t get tired of expressing the deep joy that being around this woman brought.

They kissed freely this time. They knew that Brandon was nearby, but that even in the unlikely event he came out, it wouldn’t shock him to see them pulling apart from a kiss.

Things got heated quickly, their kisses intensifying with each stroke of their tongues, their hands everywhere suddenly. They couldn’t get closer together. Lena was stroking Stef’s thighs, kneading them with her long fingers. Closer and closer, higher and higher. Stef had never felt so wet in her life. She was a little concerned that Lena would notice what she herself could feel. Her panties were becoming slick with her desire.

Stef stopped in between kisses, “Mom is taking Brandon next Friday.” Stef looked into Lena’s eyes and saw desire like she’d never seen before.

“Thank god,” Lena exhaled. “You’re driving me crazy… I can’t, I can’t wait to hold you...” Lena whispered, “naked.”

Stef was a little surprised at Lena’s sudden honesty, but most of all she was turned on and a little nervous. She looked down, “You know I’ve never…”

Lena smiled. She tilted Stef’s head up and kissed her again, feeling the woman in her arms tremble with desire. Lena pulled back. she slowly trailed her fingers up Stef’s arm and back down again. Stef shivered, every inch of her, alive. “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”

Stef could barely speak, “How do you know?”

Lena leaned closer again, whispering against Stef’s lips, “Are you having fun right now?”

Stef laughed nervously, remembering how wet she felt, “I’m having a lot of fun.”

Lena knew that no matter what, they would have this passion between them, “Then,” her voice dropped, “You don’t need to worry. We’ll have even more fun once I get you out of these jeans.”

Stef was thrilled to see this side of Lena, “Love, you’re doing things to me I didn’t think were possible.”

“It’s what you’re doing to me. I’ve wanted you for so long.” Lena returned a sad smile.

Stef would do anything to turn that smile on Lena’s face, “You have me now.” Stef blushed, “You’ll have me soon that is. And I’ll have you.”

She turned to kiss Lena again, who sensed it was time to slow them down. “Stef Foster, you’ll be the death of me. I think I need to go home because I don’t think I can stop next time we kiss like this.”

“Lena Adams, I wish it was next week already.” Soon, that was the promise between them, soon. Meantime, tonight, they both knew they’d be taking care of their needs on their own, in their own separate bedrooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the best chapter, but I've been struggling with this part of the fic. Got lots better things coming up!


	20. Alone Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adult Situations Warning - Also a very weak edit, I'll be taking a look at this chapter a later point. The show is starting and I wanted this up in case I don't have the time for a bit.

Stef had never prepared for a night of sex in her entire life. Sex has just happened to her. Yet, that was precisely what she was doing. She’d made sure every part of her was at her best. She’d never been the type of girl that gave all of that much thought. The mirror had never been her friend. Tonight was different and she wanted to make a good impression. It was a brave new world for Stef. She wanted to wear the clothes she felt looked good on her, not the clothes she thought men wanted to see. So she’d decided on her nicest slacks and a button down shirt. She picked out her best pair of socks, her sexiest underwear and matching bra. The worst part about the intimate clothes was not knowing exactly what Lena would like. She tried to imagine what she’d like on Lena and her brain short circuited. Just imagining seeing her long legs set her body ablaze. She did realize that she didn’t care what Lena would wear as long she’d get to take it off. Nevertheless, she was going to be prepared. She shaved and trimmed, making sure her body was sexy. She’d never gone to the salon and requested any kind of bikini wax. She wouldn’t even know how to walk in there. So she just groomed, making sure it was all short and controlled. The little she knew of lesbian sex told her that all of her would be pretty exposed.

So far in her life, sex had been a mostly-under-the-sheets activity, done with as little fanfare as possible. She now realized why of course, she was a lesbian. She knew with Lena it would be different, she wanted it to be different, but it scared her. She was nervous and anxious at the same time.

When she got to Lena’s house, she was surprised at how at ease Lena seemed. She was dressed in a low flowing skirt and red shirt to match. She smiled eagerly at Stef and gave her a gentle welcome kiss. They had considered going out for the evening but had tacitly agreed that staying in would be best. They both knew that what they wanted was to be alone.

Lena was looking at her curiously, “Did you bring a little overnight bag?”

Stef blushed, “It’s in the car, I didn’t want to be presumptuous.”

Lena smiled, taking Stef’s hand. “In this case, I have given you every reason to presume. Go get it, I don’t want to be interrupted later.” Lena didn’t want Stef leaving her bedroom till she had to, late the next day. They were both grown women with deep feelings for each other, there was no reason to be coy.

Stef practically stumbled on her way to the car. Tonight, she would have lesbian sex, lesbian sex with Lena. Her life was upside down and she couldn’t be happier about it.

She walked back into Lena’s place and found her in the kitchen, a complete meal ready to go. Lena handed her a glass of wine.

“It’s delicious,” Stef spoke, beginning to warm up to Lena’s taste for wine.

Lena smiled, “It is, but not too much, I want you to have all your senses ready.” Lena couldn’t help but tease Stef. This was an area that Lena was very comfortable in. It wasn’t new to her and she was very good at sex. The possibility of being with Stef had made her nervous in a different way, but her body was overwhelmed with need. She had wanted Stef for so long. She couldn’t wait to finally be with her.

Stef smiled, not knowing what to do. She decided to help set the table. They were quiet for a while, each in their own head about what they had set in motion. They sat at the table and soon conversation turned to Brandon. “He really wanted to come visit you here.”

“That’s right, he hasn’t been here. I’d love that, but not tonight,” Lena winked.

“It was hard explaining to him why he couldn’t and mom wasn’t making things easy.” Stef chuckled.

Lena’s eyes shot open, “Did your mother say anything?”

Stef nodded, “Lena, my mother is not naïve, she knows exactly what she’s helping me out with. She is also not shy and made sure to throw out every innuendo she knew. She stopped short of saying, ‘you’re off to have sex with your girlfriend.’” Sharon had joked so much, that Stef had wondered if her mom was freaking out. She had to ask her if she was OK and Sharon had reassured her that this was her way of dealing with it.

Lena asked, “Did Brandon hear any of it?”

“Oh yeah, she was saying all of it in front of Brandon. Luckily he didn’t understand much of it, including her references to petting Lena’s cat.”

Lena was struggling not to choke on her food. “What?”

Stef laughed, “You really don’t know my mom, she’s got her foot permanently stuck in her mouth. Luckily, the only thing Brandon got was the word girlfriend. You are now officially, mommy’s girlfriend.”

“I like that, and I want Brandon to come over. I know you’re a packaged deal and I want all of it. I want all of you.” Lena reached for Stef’s hand.

Stef sighed, “You sure? I am a lot to handle.”

Lena looked into Stef’s eyes. “I am hoping you’re handful,” and then Lena added, almost to herself, “and a mouthful.”

Now it was Stef’s turn to choke, “You’re not shy are you?”

Lena smiled, “Believe it or not, I am, just… not in this situation. It’s just you and I, and we both are here together. You bring it out in me.”

“Maybe you’ve just had a lot of practice.” Stef wondered.

Lena took a small bite of her food, “Stef, I am far from innocent is true, but my feelings are new.”

Stef worried, “Well, I’ll give you fair warning, complete rookie here.”

Lena stood up, “I am not concerned, can I interest you in some desert?”

Stef nodded, hoping what Lena was saying was true. She had researched the subject enough this week to hope Lena was right. She also had an active imagination that had traversed the roads they could travel on this journey together.

When Lena came back to the table, she sat next to Stef, instead of across the table, the way she had been. She’d purposely sat far away because she wanted to make sure they both ate something. Now, next to Stef, she could finally begin to relax. She filled their glasses once more and put down a slice of blueberry pie she’d made for the evening. She had only brought one slice with a pair of forks so they could share. She sat very close to Stef, completely in her space, she could see the nervous energy building around Stef.

Lena took some of the pie with a fork and brought it to Stef’s mouth. Stef looked a bit puzzled but finally opened her mouth and took the bite in. She watched Lena watching her lips. She’d never been fed as an adult, and couldn’t have imagined how sensual and intimate it could be. “It’s really good, you made it?”

Lena smiled, “I made it for you.” She took her finger and wiped some crumbs out of the corner of Stef’s mouth.

Stef mumbled and apology, but was quickly hushed by Lena’s finger on her lips. Lena was dying to kiss her but could sense Stef was very nervous. “Hopefully, I’ll be taking care of you for a very long time, so no need to apologize.” Lena backed off a bit and fed Stef another bite.

“Aren’t you gonna eat?” Stef wondered. Lena smiled and nodded, Stef took the hint and used the other fork to feed Lena herself. She couldn’t believe how erotic it was watching Lena’s full lips surrounding her fork. It was the most wonderful thing she’d ever seen, till she saw Lena’s tongue emerge to lick away a crumb on her bottom lip. Stef lifted her gaze to Lena’s eyes and saw her own hunger reflected back at her through brown orbs. Lena reached over and placed her hand on Stef’s thigh, caressing the strong muscles beneath the light fabric. They stared at each other, endlessly, till Lena finally leaned over and began kissing Stef.

The second thick lips met her own, Stef stopped thinking. She was no longer worried or concerned, she was just feeling. Stef surprised herself by dragging Lena onto her lap. Lena quickly straddled Stef’s chair and went back to kissing her deeply. Their tongues pushed inside the other, tasting the intensity of their passion. Lena wanted to lose herself in Stef. Stef wanted to forget everything and she was going to start by letting her fingers get lost in Lena’s hair. She’d never considered that Lena’s hair was not naturally this straight, but up close, she could see the curls trying to escape. It made her wonder about other curls, and smiled with the knowledge that she’d find out soon enough. Stef went to place her hands on Lena’s thighs and quickly realized that her dress had ridden up high on Lena’s body. Stef’s hands met bare skin, which she promptly took advantage of. She’d never touched Lena’s bare legs and was not able to control her hands’ swift movements. They were drawn by Lena’s warmth, and rode up higher with each kiss.

“Did you wear this on purpose?” Stef wondered out loud, between kisses.

Lena nodded, “Easy access.”

Stef laughed. There would be no stopping tonight, she could finally allow herself to feel, no worries, no guilt. As she pulled Lena back towards her, her phone rang loudly, startling them both. Stef apologized quickly, helping Lena off her lap. “I have to take it.” Stef couldn’t believe her luck.

“Mom?” Stef said, a little out of breath.

“Stef, are you ok, you sound like you’re ran a marathon?” Sharon sounded genuinely concerned.

Stef blushed, “Your phone call startled me, that’s all, what’s up?”

Sharon sobered, “Oh Stef, I don’t know how to put this, but Brandon’s sick.”

Stef countered, “What do you mean he’s sick?” She looked at Lena who mirrored her frustration.

Suddenly, they both heard loud cackling coming off the phone.

Now Stef was mad, “MOM?”

“I am sorry Stef, I thought I wasn’t interrupting anything but clearly by your breathing I was. I am sorry, really, your boy just wants to say goodnight. I’ll put him on.”

Stef yelled, “Mom,” but before she could say anything, she heard Brandon’s sweet voice. Stef’s face softened as she cheerily wished her boy goodnight, “Night Brandon. Yes, OK, you can.” She quietly passed the phone to a confused Lena, who also quickly wished a boy a safe goodnight. Lena handed the phone back to Stef, who was suddenly blushing, “No, mom, not yet, but I can’t believe you just did this.” She quickly looked at Lena, “Look, we will definitely talk later. Bye mom.”

Lena’s curiosity finally took over, “What was that?”

“My mom’s sense of humor. Brandon really wanted to talk to me and wish me a goodnight and she thought it was a good time to play a joke. She wanted me to think that I had to go back home.” Stef shrugged, mortified.

Lena smiled, “I have to get to know your mom better. She’s wicked.”

“Well, now she’s killed the mood. I could kill her.” Stef grumped.

“Oh honey, she’s done no such thing,” Lena took Stef’s hand. “Come here, let’s go to my room.”

Stef panicked, looked around, “But what about all this mess? Don’t we have to clean it up?”

“Nope, nothing is going to happen to it. I will take care of our mess when you leave tomorrow afternoon. Tonight, we’re going to forget our responsibilities.”

Stef swallowed, not knowing if she could, “I am going to try to Lena.” She gave Lena’s hand a tug, indicating she was ready to be led.

Once inside, Stef realized, she’d never really been in this bedroom. It was incredibly feminine. It wasn’t pink or anything, just the energy, the attention to detail, Lena’s belongings, the smell. She led Stef next to the bed and began to kiss Stef and soon they were both lost in the haze of each other. One kiss led to another, and Stef began to drown in Lena. She couldn’t get enough of her skin, she needed more. She needed it more than she’d ever needed anything. She took Lena’s shirt off, not even stopping to admire the view. She just needed to feel. She suddenly realized why people craved things like silk, it was to imitate the exquisite feel of a woman. Nothing had ever felt so soft in her hands. She took her own shirt off, needing to feel this woman with everything that she was.

Lena had done this dance before, but she’d never felt so wanted and loved. Stef was taking her, taking what she needed and Lena was in love. This woman was everything she’d ever need and tonight would be their beginning. They would know each other in ways that no one else would know. From now on, they would be the only ones invited to their private parties. She helped Stef by quickly disposing of both their bras. One-handed removal was a must for an experienced lesbian like Lena. Stef didn’t skip a beat and hugged her closer than anyone had ever held her before. Lena should have felt suffocated, this kind of affection was new to her, but she felt safe, warm and wanted. So she responded by squeezing as tight as she could.

“I can’t get close enough,” Stef managed after a beat.

“I know baby, but we have all night.” Lena pulled them back. She wanted a look and she wanted to give Stef a look. Stef looked beautiful with her torso revealed. She had her cop uniform tan lines, the rest was an expanse of skin waiting to be touched. Full breasts, the perfect handful. Stef’s eyes were stuck to her own chest. “You like?”

“I love. You’re flawless.” Stef gulped.

Lena took the opportunity to remove her skirt and show Stef that she’d purposely not worn any underwear tonight. She felt nothing but beautiful as Stef’s eyes followed the path of her falling skirt, as it pooled down at her feet. “Your turn.”

Lena’s words snapped something in Stef, who quickly discarded her pants and panties. She'd worried she’d be too shy but Lena was making her feel extremely safe and desired. She felt beautiful.

Lena stepped forward and this time led Stef right onto the bed. They sat side by side, using their hands to trace the newly discovered territory of each other’s bodies. Stef seemed particularly interested in Lena’s breasts. Stef’s fingers were tracing a path around the underside of each breast. She seemed reluctant to try anything more.

“Lena, what do you like?” Stef motioned towards her chest.

“There are things that I like, but I don’t know what I like with you. We’re gonna have to figure it out together. You’re going to have to do things to me that you want to do and I’ll have to tell you if I like them.” Lena had been with enough women to know that two women created their own energy. It was always unique.

“What if I hurt you?” Stef wondered. There had been things that had been done to her that were not enjoyable. She didn’t want to subject Lena to any of it.

“Then I will tell you. And you have to tell me. What do you want to do right now?”

Stef smiled wickedly, “I wanna squeeze them.”

Lena encouraged her by taking Stef’s hand, placing it above her breast and then forcing her to squeeze. Stef didn’t have to be told twice, and kneaded Lena’s breasts with increasing strength.

“Look at me Stef,” Lena interrupted Stef, “You can see if I’m enjoying what you’re doing.”

Stef did as she was told and watched the pleasure etched on Lena’s features. Each squeeze made her moan a bit louder. Stef had never been interested in another person’s pleasure before. She wanted to make Lena feel good. Since the day she first met her, the only thing she ever wanted to see was a smile on her face. Stef continued her massage until Lena put her hand out to stop her. “That’s my spot, no more.” She smiled gently at Stef, letting her know everything was ok.

Stef still had her hand on Lena’s breast and decided she wanted to feel her nipple, as it had hardened during Stef’s activities. She'd felt it pebble in her hand. She took one between her finger and tugged and pulled until Lena yelped! “I am sorry!” Stef blurted out quickly.

“No, it’s ok, you just found my limit quicker on this one. Come back, I am tough, it’s going to be really hard to break me.” Lena smiled thinking that on some occasions, she could take a little more, but Stef didn’t need to know that today. She wasn’t about to scare Stef.

This time Stef dove in and decided that what she needed was to have that nipple in her mouth. She took it between her lips and sucked. She had been able to tell the kind of pressure Lena liked and she was a fast learner. Soon, she had Lena writhing and moaning on the bed. She quickly laid her down so that she could climb on top of the taller woman. She spread her legs and placed herself in between Lena’s long limbs. She attached herself to one nipple and caressed the other with her hand. Lena began grinding against her stomach. Stef felt Lena wrap her long legs around her, squeezing her, pushing Stef into her core. Stef could feel wetness on her belly, as Lena’s bare pussy rubbed against her. Feeling the desire building between them, Stef instinctually straddled Lena’s thigh to relieve the pressure growing in her own groin.

She wasn’t embarrassed to feel that she was wet as well. It felt right. She was slick rubbing against Lena’s thigh, coating her as she slid up and down. Stef dropped Lena’s nipple, needing to kiss her. She felt Lena wrap her arms around her, letting her grind down as much as she needed. They were both pushing against each other. Without warning, and suddenly, Stef felt herself tumbling right into a unknown bliss, grunting into Lena’s mouth, “Fuck Lena.” And her body shook once, twice, three times hard into Lena. Lena held on to her, certain that Stef hadn’t planned on this. Lena pushed her thigh up, making sure Stef had enough surface to rub against. Stef buried herself in Lena’s neck and continued with small tremors for a while, coming down from the first truly great orgasm of her life. Lena was certain no one else had ever seen Stef like this.

After a while, Stef finally lifted her head, “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean…”

Lena hushed her again, “I know, but you needed that.”

“It just came over me.” Stef’s eyes were wide in awe. “I’ve never felt that so intensely before.”

Lena smiled, “I enjoyed that tremendously. You have a lot of passion, Stef and I need you to share it with me. I want you to come again and again with me.”

Stef would not be so easily side tracked, “But I wanted our first time to last. And I am like some horny teenage boy.”

Lena stroked Stef’s hips, meaningfully, “You are far from a teen boy. I wouldn’t be here if you were. And our first time is still here, still happening. We have all night. You are a woman, Stef, and making love is just beginning. We have all night.”

Stef came back and kissed Lena, grateful to have such an understanding woman. She imaged her desire would be quenched, but she realized quickly that it hadn’t gone away. She still wanted this woman and with a determination she’d never felt before, she knew that she would not be fully satisfied till Lena was experiencing the same pleasure.

Stef leaned them both sideways, still pressed tightly together as they kissed, their passion building quicker than Stef could imagine. She needed to see Lena’s face coming in pleasure. She snaked her hand down to Lena’s pussy. Her hair was soft and tightly curled. She didn’t have to reach very far before she encountered Lena’s wondrous wetness. She began coating her fingers with it. The feel was unlike anything Stef had experienced. It was so intimate and so private to know Lena in this way. She felt privileged at being allowed to feel her like this. “I love you Lena.” And with the words, Stef stroked down in search of things she’d only ever dreamed about. Lena was slick, and her folds felt silky smooth. She dipped down and found an entrance. She wanted so many things from this moment, but she needed to let Lena’s body tell her what she needed. She tracked her finger back up, searching for Lena’s clitoris. Lena nearly jumped out of her skin when Stef found her clit. ‘Ok, this is what Lena’s body wants.’ Stef rubbed her finger up and down in the manner that she would treat herself. Lena was excited and moved in rhythm to her strokes, but Stef could tell there was more treasure to be found. She decided to circle it instead and this made Lena start gyrating her hips against her hand. ‘Ahh.. that’s better.’ Stef thought.

She pressed harder sensing Lena was getting close. Lena released a loud moan, “Stef, please don’t stop, I am so close.” Stef doubled up her efforts, determined to keep that same steady pace. She kissed Lena one more time, and Lena sucked her tongue in and with that tumbled over the edge. Stef watched in wonder as Lena fell apart in front of her. Her orgasm was like waves crashing over the expanse of her long body, followed by loud moans of pleasure.

“Stef baby, kiss me.” Stef kissed her and wrapped her in arms tightly, much as she’d done earlier, but this time she was as close as she’d ever get to another human being and it was enough. It was more than enough. It was everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adult situations will continue. If you've been in a relationship, you know what this phase will be like.


	21. Making it Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of their first night together.

Lena finally opened her eyes, her clit was throbbing from the stimulation of inexperienced fingers. Stef already had her number and they’d just begun making love. Lena smiled knowing that they were sexually compatible. Throughout the night, her bravado had intensified the need to hide her doubt. If for some reason sex hadn’t worked out, Lena would have worked hard to make it better. It was a great relief to find that she’d need to do no such thing. Stef was a very quick learner.

Stef kissed Lena lovingly, disbelief still showing on her features. She’d made a woman come, she’d made Lena come. She felt a sense of accomplishment and for the first time in her life, she felt at home. This was what her body was meant to do. She was supposed to mate with this woman. She’d had sex before but tonight she’d finally made love. Her body and her heart were in sync. The physical was a mere reflection of the love they shared in every conversation, in every look.

“Lena, my love, you are everything.” Stef spoke when she finally glimpsed Lena’s brown eyes.

Lena took a deep breath, trying to smell their union: the mixed scents of their desire and their bodies. She wanted this creation to permeate every inch of her room. “I am not sure that was your first time,” She kidded.

Stef reached up to push hair away from Lena’s forehead, “You make me feel like I could be an expert at this.”

“Was it ok?” Lena’s insecurity crept back in, this time in concern for Stef’s experience. After all, Stef could suddenly decide that it wasn’t right for her.

Stef shook her head, realizing that Lena’s buried doubt could resurface, “I told you, it was everything. This is right, it’s never been so right. I feel you everywhere.”

Lena felt her desire stirring again. She kissed Stef passionately, knowing she could get started again, quickly. Stef returned the kiss, and soon their passion was reignited. This time, they both felt more comfortable in their bodies and with each other. Lena quickly took Stef’s hand and brought it back to her pussy. Stef was amazed that Lena seemed to want more. Earlier, when Lena had suggested they had a long night ahead of them, Stef had assumed she was exaggerating. Now, she knew that she wasn’t.

Stef rubbed Lena in the same manner as before, not really knowing what else to do, feeling like this had worked before and it should again. This time, Lena’s energy had shifted. She wanted all the experiences with this woman. She needed to feel her in all kinds of ways. She tried to shift her body, urging Stef downward. Stef didn’t take the hint, so Lena had to speak, “Fuck me, Stef.”

Surprised at hearing Lena say those words, Stef quickly found herself excited at the prospect of doing as she commanded. She understood what Lena wanted but wasn’t sure how to go about it, so she tentatively reached down, coating her finger with the copious moisture pouring from Lena. She pushed her finger towards Lena’s opening, not really knowing what to expect.

She didn’t imagine her finger would be so tightly embraced as she entered Lena.

Lena grunted, “Palm up.”

Stef took the cue and turned her hand, finding that her finger now curved perfectly into Lena. She didn’t expect to feel so much. She was inside Lena. She had not expected this to make a difference, but emotionally, it had. Lena was trusting her, she was allowing Stef in every corner of her life and her body. As she gently pushed her finger inside, she heard Lena’s soft sigh. She looked up at her, “It’s OK?”

Lena nodded, moving her hips trying to get a sense for the feel of Stef’s finger. She knew she’d need more, but she’d have to go slow with Stef.

Stef could feel ridges, tightness and wetness. It was incredible. She felt enveloped by Lena, completely. She began moving in and out and found a rhythm that seemed to make Lena happy.

When Lena felt Stef’s confidence grow, she asked, “More Stef, please.”

When Stef hesitated, Lena reached down and touched Stef’s middle finger, silently asking it to join the index finger. The friction of the second finger was enough to ramp up the heat in the room. Lena sat up and pulled Stef towards her, she wrapped one hand around Stef’s neck and used the other one to hold herself up from the bed. Lena began pushing against Stef’s hand, hard. Stef took the clue and began pumping into her harder. Deep inside, Stef kept hitting a spot that made Lena groan. They were so close, but Stef wanted more leverage, so she shifted Lena onto her lap. They were both sitting up, Lena had a tight grip on Stef’s hair, while Stef grabbed Lena closer with her left arm. Stef felt Lena riding her hand, setting her pace, banging hard against her body. Stef found herself grunting with each thrust, enjoying the feeling of finally fucking with abandon, lost in pleasure.

Lena threw her head back, feeling Stef deep inside her. She was having the time of her life with Stef all around her. She didn’t think she’d ever get tired of this feeling, feeling so complete. “I love you Stef, please fuck me harder.” That’s when Stef flipped her over, struggling, but failing to stay inside. Stef looked down at Lena, who was flushed with the effort. She separated her legs and climbed on top, entering her once again. This time, she tried three fingers and found Lena ready for her. She was tight and Stef's fingers were being squeezed rhythmically. Stef could feel Lena's strong grip and marveled at the power of being a woman.

Lena was on the edge and knew she needed a little more direct stimulation. She didn’t want to disturb Stef, so she reached down with her hand to stimulate her own clit. Stef looked down between their bodies to see what Lena was doing. Stef groaned with pleasure, but decided to try to do the job herself and pushed Lena’s fingers out of the way with her thumb. She pressed it hard with each thrust and latched her mouth on Lena’s nipple.

Stef felt Lena’s arms and legs come around her, holding her tight, moaning loudly. “I am gonna come, don’t stop.” Stef pulled back to see Lena’s face, still enchanted by the fact that she could do this. She could give Lena this ultimate abandon. Stef watched Lena bite her lip and groan out in relief. Stef kept her hand deep inside while Lena jerked around her. She covered her body with kisses, reaching Lena’s lips and kissing her deeply, wanting to drown with her.

When Stef tried to pull out, Lena’s body seemed reluctant to let her go, but then Lena sighed and released her.

“My love, that was…” Stef had no words to describe what they had just done together. Stef was completely in awe of Lena and of lesbian sex. Lena responded by kissing her and Stef entered Lena’s mouth with her tongue, simulating what she’d been doing earlier with her hand.

Lena finally pulled back, “You are amazing.”

Stef looked at Lena, “I can’t believe it took me this long to get here. I belong here, with you, doing this. I was born to do this.” She felt certain in her identity in a way she never had before.

“That good?” Lena smiled.

Stef sighed, “Better than anything.”

Lena reached up to caress Stef’s hair, “It’s not just lesbian sex though.”

Stef cocked an eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

Lena put both hands now on Stef’s face and held her tenderly, “I’ve had lesbian sex, but it’s never as good as this. This is you and me baby.” Lena kissed her again.

“Come on Lena,” Stef expressed her insecurity, “I have no experience.”

Lena shook her head, “It’s not about that, though you’re certainly not lacking in skill. It’s you and me, this thing we have together. I can’t.” She’d also run out of words to express what love making could be really like. “It’s like you’re inside me, everywhere.” Lena hoped it didn’t sound creepy.

Stef nodded, “Like we’re one?”

Lena nodded, “Exactly like that. We were two… but not anymore.” Lena hoped that Stef understood it wasn’t her orgasm talking. She’d been filled with anxiety about Stef and how she would react to the reality of lesbian sex, but Stef seemed to be in her element. She hadn’t been squeamish about any of the realities of being with a woman. Lena had been with first timers who seemed to be only in it for thrills. They couldn’t handle touching a wet woman.

Stef was still dwelling on the feeling of being united, “I loved being inside you. I didn’t even think it would be like that.”

“Well, hopefully you’re up for lots of firsts.” Lena was looking forward to exploring this side with Stef, learning each other, what they liked.

“I just want to be with you.” Stef buried her head in Lena’s neck, smelling the scent and feeling the light sweat that had broken out over the woman’s body.

They held each other, feeling lucky to have found each other, to be able to share themselves safely with one another.

They weren’t aware of dozing, till Stef embarrassingly found her mouth resting on Lena’s shoulder in a tiny pool of her own drool. She quickly tried to wipe it all off Lena, but Lena noticed. “You’re so cute.”

Stef shook her head and peeled herself off Lena, “No, that was not cute.”

Lena laughed, “It was, I want to know all your dirty little habits.”

Stef chuckled, “You’re gonna regret saying that.”

“Never,” Lena exclaimed through the fog of young love.

“Never is a might long time,” Stef confided. In response, Lena kissed her, hoping her love would show Stef the truth in her statement.

Their kisses deepened and they soon found themselves making out. Despite the sexual relief of the night’s activities, Lena was still feeling aroused, thirsty. She just wanted a little taste of Stef and these deep kisses were just making Lena obsessed with going down on her. She buried her hands in Stef’s blonde locks and let their passion build slowly. Lena had wanted this woman for so long, and having her now wasn’t at all like finding an oasis in the desert. Her thirst wasn’t quenched. Her passion was just beginning. She really couldn’t get enough. She wanted to spend her life buried between Stef’s legs. The thought alone made her prod Stef’s legs open so she could rest on her center again.

She moaned between kisses, “Stef, I love you so much.”

Stef agreed, “I love you too.” Stef couldn’t believe how great sex could feel. She’d never understood why anyone would want to go at it all night. Tonight, she finally understood what making love was all about. It was getting carried away in your feelings for another person. It was making physical what your heart could not communicate. Love was this all-consuming need to be near Lena, and she could not get closer than this, with Lena covering entirely. There was nothing between them and she knew, she’d never been this open with anyone. Normally, this would have been hard for, feeling too vulnerable, too exposed. She needed to be seen by Lena. She wanted Lena to see every part of her and love her no matter what she encountered.

Lena took Stef’s bottom lip and sucked it, and suddenly she was overcome with the oral need to give Stef a preview of what she was planning. She bit it gently, and then began lapping at her bottom lip as if it were one of her lower lips. She sucked, nipped and licked, driving Stef to grind up against her. Lena finally plunged her tongue inside Stef’s mouth, giving Stef the chance to suck it. She sucked it so hard, it hurt Lena enough to pull it out.

“Gentle there tiger, I am going to need that soon,” Lena explained with a quick peck.

Stef quickly apologized, “Sorry, I certainly wouldn’t want to hurt your tongue, it’s been doing such wonderful things to my mouth.”

Lena smiled wickedly, “I need it for something else too…”

Stef’s eyes shot open, “You mean?”

Lena nodded with a grin, “I mean.” Then, to make sure, “Would that be ok?” She didn’t imagine Stef had much experience in this department, but she also knew that some women didn’t enjoy oral sex too much.

Stef’s pussy answered her reply when she felt it clench between her legs. The thought was amazingly erotic. She hadn’t thought much of this in the past, but Lena’s mouth on her had already been a revelation. She was masterful, making her feel so incredibly turned on. The intimacy of Lena between her legs, so close to something she had never fully felt comfortable with was almost too much. “You don’t have to,” Stef managed to say, suddenly afraid that she couldn’t measure up or that it wouldn’t be pleasant as had been hinted at before in prior experiences.

Lena could tell Stef hadn’t had the best sexual experiences in the past. She took her face in her hands, “I will never engage in anything with you that I’m not comfortable with and I want you to promise me the same. You never have to do anything to just to please me. You and I will only do what we want to do, OK?”

Stef nodded. She’d never believed anyone before, not like Lena. Everything Lena said came from the heart, and Lena was a woman of her word.

Lena seemed satisfied, “OK, so I want to do this. I wanna eat you.” She finished her words in a near whisper.

Stef shivered in response. And it was all the encouragement Lena needed. She kissed Stef again quickly, then began to go down. Stef tried hard not to show anxiety, but she couldn’t help it. She was nervous, worried. They’d had sex, but it was different being up close and personal. There were sights and smells that maybe Lena wouldn’t like.

Lena on the other hand had no such qualms. This certainly was not a new activity, and it was different with every woman. Still, she knew that making love to a woman you loved was an unparalleled experience. And since she’d never loved anyone as much as she loved Stefanie Marie Foster, she knew that she would not disappoint. She lowered herself between Stef and spread her legs. Her knees were bent, she was trembling. This was a lot of control for Stef to surrender and Lena felt privileged to be allowed. Lena stroked Stef’s thighs, from her knee to her hip. She let her fingers wander to the inside of her thighs, tracking each time closer to the apex of her legs.

That’s when Lena decided that the best way to ease Stef into this would be through arousal. With Stef’s eyes on her, Lena saw that there was apprehension but also growing interest in Lena’s activities. Lena licked her finger for effect rather than necessity, since Lena could see Stef glistening with desire. She watched Stef’s gaze follow her finger as she dragged it down the length of her pussy. Stef bucked at the touch, but then settled down as she became accustomed to the sensation. Lena tracked the moisture all around Stef’s inner lips, finally settling over the hood of Stef’s clit. She was avoiding direct contact, and stimulated her clit from behind the flesh covering the sensitive nub. As Stef’s desire grew, her hips moved of their own accord. Lena could feel her clit grow stiffer as she rubbed it over and over. When Stef began to moan, Lena knew that Stef has become lost in desire and wouldn’t worry too much about what Lena was salivating to do. She bent down and took her first taste as her tongue trailed right behind her fingers. It was incredible to finally be this close to Stef, especially when Stef’s hips began to rock and she held on to Lena’s hair. Stef smelled and tasted like love, it was a strong musky scent that was both personal and incredibly erotic. Lena loved the slick, soft feel of Stef underneath her tongue.

Casually, she tasted, licked and sucked. Without aim, she tasted and enjoyed. She sucked Stef’s inner lips, and licked inside her hole. Then, she surprised Stef by licking quickly down to her ass. Lena hadn’t meant to get so carried away but she wanted to taste all of Stef. She quickly recovered and went back up to Stef’s clit. She could feel Stef’s desire and growing frustration. She knew Stef needed a bit more direct stimulation. Lena hardened her tongue and licked her clit forcefully and with purpose.

Lena’s new determination found Stef quickly riding her desire. In a night of superlatives, Stef could truly find no comparison for what was happening. She could feel Lena’s love and the sweet soft feel of her tongue was driving her quickly to the edge. Lena was worshipping her, and forcing Stef to connect herself to her body. She was her pussy, her breasts, her mouth, her arms, her fingers. There was no part of her that wasn’t hers, and no part that Lena didn’t love. She felt free, and safe, and loved. She began shaking and could not control her body as it began the ascent towards ecstasy. She was moaning, as the pleasure built and built. She was riding an unending wave, which seemed unwilling to break.

Lena knew she’d never tire of this, of Stef dripping down her chin, of the taste on her tongue, and the feeling of Stef shuddering beneath her mouth. She knew Stef needed something more, so she sucked her clit hard and watched as Stef tumbled over in pleasure.

Stef grunted loudly, “Lena, fuck.”

Lena couldn’t help herself, she continued lapping all that Stef had to offer, she wanted to taste Stef’s desire and make sure she brought out the depths of Stef’s orgasm. And when Stef pulled her head off her, she knew she’d had enough. Lena couldn’t help one last lick, as she climbed up Stef’s body. She rubbed her face on her sheet, but nothing could wipe the huge smile on her face.

Stef’s breathing was uneven, as she was coming down from her peak. She’d forgotten about being worried, but then she had seen Lena’s face shining with her wetness. She’d also seen her wiping herself. “I am sorry,” Stef blurted quickly.

Lena frowned in confusion, “Why?”

Stef didn’t know how to voice her concern, “For, um, making such a mess.”

It took Lena a minute, but then she remembered that Stef had probably never participated in such enthusiastic oral sex. “Oh, you saw me wipe myself? I am sorry, that’s a habit.” And then she immediately felt bad for essentially admitting she’d done this a lot. She decided to ignore that for now and just reassure, “You were wonderful, so tasty, I could do that all day.” She still saw hesitation on Stef’s face. “Did I look like I wasn’t having a good time.”

Stef had to admit that Lena did not hesitate once, and looked complete engrossed. “No…”

“I loved it, I promise. I love you” And to prove it, she dipped down below and had a quick full taste, completely opening her mouth to Stef, tasting everything she had to offer.

“Oh my god,” Stef exclaimed, surprised she was no longer so sensitive.

Lena came back up, this time, she didn’t bother to wipe. She licked her lips clean and gave Stef and open mouth kiss.

Stef could taste herself and smell herself on Lena’s upper lip. She didn’t find it unpleasant. Quite the opposite, it turned her on. And made her curious about Lena. They continued kissing, feeling exhaustion creeping in, but yet unwilling to separate. They had walked different paths to this moment, but it was one they had both been longed for. They would make it last.


	22. First Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They wake up after their first night together. Sorry for the delay. Short chapter to get back into it.

Lena awoke first. The school year had trained her to wake up early, no matter the day. Before even opening her yes, she immediately felt a presence in her arms. Then it all came back to her, quickly, she was here with Stef. This woman had finally become hers in every way. Last night, they had been as close as two people could be. Stef had been so incredibly present all night. Lena remembered a time when she would not admit to herself that she’d gone to bed thinking of Stef, that she’d reached underneath her panties to make that feeling last. During that confusing time, Lena could not have imagined that she’d be here now, with a naked Stef in her bed.

Lena scooted up, looming over Stef, wanting desperately to see her sleeping face. Stef’s hair was disheveled. She was so beautiful and so vulnerable, sleeping so innocently. Lena hadn’t quite seen Stef so serene. Gone was the insecurity of her day to day life and the bravado she found in her uniform. She was just Stef, the woman. With no makeup on Stef’s face, Lena decided that this morning her beloved was perfect.

It wasn’t long before Stef stirred, perhaps sensing the attentive figure above her. She was momentarily disoriented, but quickly remembered how her life had changed overnight. She had made love to a woman. Part of her felt as if she should feel different, but she didn’t. She felt more like herself than she ever had. And something else, she was happy. “Good morning,” Stef whispered, making Lena aware that she was awake.

Lena felt a little anxious now that Stef was awake, wondering if regret had set in at some point during the night. “Good morning,” she replied, hoping the greeting was a good sign.

 Stef could hear the doubt in Lena’s voice and started to turn in Lena’s arms to give her a kiss when she remembered she probably had morning breath. Stef quickly backtracked and started to get up, confusing an already insecure Lena.

“Stef?” Lena pleaded in panic.

Stef turned back, realizing how this looked. “I am sorry Lena.” Stef slowed down realizing how silly this looked. She was naked, sitting on Lena’s bed, but she was still worried about giving a bad impression. She inhaled deeply. “Bad breath,” she finally spoke, not sure how to proceed.

Lena smiled, “I don’t care, Stef!”

Stef shook her head, unwilling to believe that. She raised her eyebrow, “Really? Lena? Everyone minds, they just don’t say it.”

“Do you mind mine?” Lena thought she’d try a different tactic.

“What? NO,” Stef was quick to reply. There was nothing about Lena that she couldn’t love. She didn’t expect her to be perfect either. She’d been around her enough to know that Lena was human.

Lena, took Stef’s hand, “Please trust me when I say I don’t mind. Not right now. I don’t want to let you go and I need your kiss more than anything in the world. This is the best waking up experience of my life, stay. Please.”

Stef fought the urges in her body against the ingrained shame she’d always felt about her body.

Lena begged again, “Please, please,” and finally one whispered, “Please?”

Unable to resist, Stef realized she needed to kiss Lena too. And the second she really looked at Lena, now fully awake, she was able to take her hair, messier than she’d ever seen it. Lena was naked, without a care in the world. In the light of day, she glowed like a goddess. Stef was sure she’d never seen anything so beautiful. And she felt her body shake, desire crashing against her like a wave. Stef knew her reluctance was futile. And why should she pretend she could deny Lena anything? After finally giving in, after finally accepting what Lena fully meant to her, Stef was beginning to realize that Lena could get whatever she wanted. Luckily, at this point, what she wanted was the very same thing Stef wanted.

They met in the middle, both sensing the energy had shifted. They couldn’t get enough. Stef hadn’t ever felt this strong desire for sex, had never felt so out of control. Lena knew that relationships were very sexual at the onset. Yet, this felt different. Lena felt connected in ways that involved more than her body.t

As a teenager, Lena had felt the flush of young love and imagined that this is what true love felt like. She had known for a fact that no one ever had felt such love or the consequential heartache. She was convinced she’d never love another. Over time, Lena had realized that you could find love again. She’d grown to disdain the idea of true love. There were many people you could be capable of loving. And she’d believed that right up until she’d fallen in love with Stef. It wasn’t appropriate to compare lovers or the intensity of love. And she hadn’t meant to, but one day Lena woke up knowing that her feelings for Stef were beyond anything she’d felt before. This felt unique. Despite Stef’s denial and Lena’s own fears, Lena knew that they both felt the same about each other and perhaps that’s what made it unique. They were both in this together and after last night, Lena knew they were both on the exact same page. The intensity of their love, their mutual respect, and their desire to please were all the pieces of the puzzle finally coming together. Lena knew she could trust Stef and that Stef could count on her. In this moment, with Stef in her arms, Lena vowed to protect it. She made a silent commitment to Stef and to their union. She’d fight for it, with everything in her. She’d keep them focused on each other, reminding them of what they could be. She’d fight through her fear and even her expectations to be with this woman.

She kissed Stef with all her being, willing all her love and commitment into that one kiss. She felt Stef melting into her. They were side by side, facing each other, kissing, letting their hands roam. Stef suddenly stopped to look at Lena, who met her intense gaze and matched it. They weren’t at the mercy of the aftereffects of an orgasm. They were two women about to make love again, silently communicating the secret message of true love. There was no need for words. They were just two women deeply in love.

So they kissed, and the natural effect of such love was desire. Their kissing went from sensual, to sexual, “Stef, you’re delicious, do you know that?” Lena needed to express her feelings in words.

Stef blushed and shook her head. She could barely believe that this had happened last night, much less accept the blunt compliment.

“You are, you are so tasty.” Lena leaned to kiss Stef again.

Stef was embarrassed, but her body was reacting to Lena’s words. She felt Lena slip her thigh between her legs, and she quickly allowed her, giving her something to push against. Lena was turning her on. She began running her hands against Lena, feeling the smooth skin beneath her finger tips. Lena was incredibly female, soft, gentle and sensual.

“You are so soft,” Stef whispered between kisses. She was so consumed by her feelings that she failed to detect the buzzing from Lena’s phone. The insistence continued till it finally penetrated Stef’s consciousness. “Are you gonna get that?”

“No,” was Lena’s quick reply.

Stef questioned her, “Are you sure? It’s pretty insistent.”

Lena had to stop to explain. She sat up. “That’s my mom. She always calls me at this hour.”

“So early on the weekend?” Stef was surprised and wondered why her mom would do that.

Lena smiled, “It’s not every weekend.” She hesitated, unsure how much to share. “I think she does it on purpose.”

Stef had a feeling that she was going to learn something new about Lena. “How so?”

Lena took a deep breath. “I mean, she would never admit it, but she’s checking up on me.” Urged further by Stef’s continued puzzlement, Lena continued, “It’s her way of finding out about what’s going on in my private life. She’s going to call the house phone next and if I don’t answer, she’ll know something is going on.”

Suddenly, Stef felt a wave on insecurity. She sat up, “Am I a secret?”

Lena shook her head furiously, “No, no. No.” She took Stef’s hands. “No. I promise you. I am very serious about you. It’s just my mom is someone that will throw her judgement around and I just wanted her out of this. There’s a reason we communicate this way. We both can’t seem to just talk to each other. We don’t know how to start the conversation. My dad knows about you, and this call might be because she grilled him and he told her.”

Lena knew she’d need a bit more to convince her very brave girlfriend that she hadn’t placed her faith in a flake. She picked up her phone and returned her mother’s phone call. Naked in bed, Lena felt a bit self-conscious talking to her intimidating mom. Dana Adams picked up almost right away, “Mom, did you call?”

Stef could see Lena nodding but could not hear what was being said on the other side of the call. “Yeah, I couldn’t mom. I am busy.” Lena nodded some more. “Yeah, I have company.”

“I know it’s early, but that’s when you like to call.” Lena tried not to snap.

Lena listened and then rolled her eyes, “Yes, mom, female company.”

After some point, Lena nodded “Yes, it’s very serious, I am sure dad told you a little bit.”

Lena patted Stef’s knee, letting her know, she was still very much aware of her. “No, I have just been busy. It’s very new mom.”

As the conversation continued, Lena’s frustration grew again. “Yeah, I know, but that’s the way it is.”

Lena looked towards Stef, “I’d have to check with her.”

“Stef, Stef Foster is her name.” Lena’s smile lit up her face. “Yeah, she’s right next to me.” Lena wanted to be very honest with her mom to prove to Stef that she was not ashamed, or embarrassed about her.

Still, Stef noticed some hesitation in Lena’s demeanor, as she listened intently on the phone. “Yeah, he’s 5.” Then a couple of beats later, “Brandon.”

Stef couldn’t believe that Lena was speaking so casually about all the details of her life. She knew that Lena was only 27 and suddenly dating a woman with a child. Her mom might not be happy at all.

“Ok, mom listen, I’ll call you later and will answer all your questions. It’s rude to keep talking to you when I have a guest.” Lena paused. “Ok, yeah mom, I’ll ask her. Love you too.”

Stef sat on that bed, feeling even more naked than she had when she woke up. “Lena, are you sure that…”

Lena cut her off, “Stef, I am sure ok. I don’t know what’s going to happen, love can’t make guarantees. I’m not a kid, I am 27, I’m in charge of kids all day long. I know what responsibility looks like. I’m here because I love you. I’m sorry I hadn’t told my mom. It’s just, you don’t know my mom.”

“I don’t blame you, I’m still married, you didn’t even mention that.” Stef soberly how this might all look to Lena’s parens.

“Dad knows. I told him, so I’m pretty sure mom squeezed all the details out of him. It doesn’t matter, those aren’t the reasons I hadn’t told my mother. She’s just a meddler and once she gets involved, ugh.” Lena swallowed. “She wants to meet you.”

Stef knew it was too soon, but she also knew that she and Lena were on their own time table. “Um, do they live in town?”

“No, mom is a professor at Berkeley. She flies out often though. I’m sure she’ll make a special trip out here soon. Will you meet my parents? As my girlfriend?”

Stef wasn’t sure how to feel. She’d never really met parents. Mike was estranged from his family. She nodded, “Yeah, I guess.”

Now, Lena’s insecurities surfaced. “You don’t have to…” She said knowing that it would be a very bad sign for her mother if they did not indeed meet Stef soon.

Stef reassured Lena, “I want to, I know it’s important. I’m just nervous, I’m not really… I haven’t really had to do this.”

“No, sorry, this one is on me. That was done all wrong, bad timing. My mind’s been buried in you and getting closer to you, making sure you were ok. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t really sure till this morning.” Lena braced herself.

Stef’s eyebrows shot up, “Sure about me?”

Lena nodded.

Stef took a moment, she knew that she deserved some of that doubt, and if she was honest with herself, she needed last night as well. Despite her attraction, her desire and her love, there had been some insecurity that lesbian sexuality might not be for her. Her heart had told her, her truth, last night had just confirmed it. “And are you sure now?”

Lena smiled. “I’ve never been more certain.” She brought Stef down on the bed again. It was time to stop talking and start showing. “I love you and I know you love me.”

Stef teased, “Oh you’re awfully cocky.”

Lena decided to tease back, “Your moans last night told me so.” Stef slapped Lena’s arm playfully. “Ouch,” Lena faked loudly.

Stef kissed Lena’s booboo with an exaggerated flair. “Better?”

Lena motioned higher on her arm, “Higher…”

Stef kissed up Lena’s arm till she got to her shoulder, “Now?”

Lena shook her head slower, pointing to her lips this time, “Higher.”

Stef took the hint and descended on Lena kissing her deeply. They no longer felt like playing and continued kissing. Their naked bodies rubbing against each other. Over and over, their hands traversed the curves before them. With one night under their belt, their bodies were becoming familiar. Stef had learned Lena loved being caressed right at crook of her back. Lena had learned that there was nothing she wanted to do more than to caress Stef’s hair, particularly at the nape of her neck. They seem to naturally fall into this pattern now, with Lena’s arms around Stef’s neck, hands buried in her neck, her hair. Stef’s arms were wrapped around Lena’s waist, her hands all over Lena’s hips, her back, her ass.

“I want to do this all day, baby” Stef declared her lips grazing Lena’s ear.

“Uh, we can,” Lena was beginning to drown in the sensual feelings. She also wanted to make it last. It was so difficult now with Stef, sometime in the future, they might be able to indulge in sensuality. It was just so hard to wait when her clit was throbbing in need. When their legs intertwined, they quickly found themselves slipping against each other.

Lena flipped Stef over and placed herself between her legs. She reached between Stef’s thighs and quickly coated her fingers with Stef’s desire. Lena’s eyes asked the question and Stef answered by pushing her hips up against Lena’s fingers. Lena stroked Stef’s swollen inner lips. “You are so beautiful,” she whispered from above as she pushed inside Stef, first with one finger. She felt Stef gently cradling her finger and slipped it in and out, feeling Stef’s growing desire.

Between strokes, Stef grunted, “More.”

Lena complied by pushing in two more fingers Stef responded by opening her legs to accommodate her love. Lena pushed deeply into Stef, developing a rhythm, Stef moaning out against each stroke. They were pushing against each other, each stroke probing deeper, each thrust pushing harder. Lena lifted one of Stef’s legs over her shoulder and leaned over her, closer and deeper. They kissed again, Lena slipping her tongue inside Stef, pushing in time with her fingers. Losing control, Stef held on to Lena’s back, her nails gripping tightly against Lena’s skin. Fucking had never felt so good, Stef had never wanted to belong to anyone before. She was Lena’s, her body belonged to Lena and for a few precious minutes she felt complete abandon, not a single care in the world.

Suddenly, without warning, Lena came off Stef and laid between her legs. She kept her fingers inside and sucked hard on Stef’s clit, who climaxed quickly, bucking against her. “Lena, fuck, don’t stop,” she moaned, as her orgasm overcame her. She shook hard several times before finally settling, both of them heaving out their effort.

Lena covered Stef with her body, not wanting to be far from her. She slipped her fingers out, generating one last gasp from Stef. In turn, Stef took those wet fingers and intertwined their fingers. She kissed Lena, “I wanna do that to you.”

“You’ve been making me come since last night.” Lena kissed Stef’s chin.

Stef looked deep into Lena’s brown eyes, “Yeah, but I wanna do it with my mouth now.” The mere thought of it, caused Lena to melt further on Stef, knowing that Stef would do it all with her.


	23. Best Ever

“Um, Stef, you don’t have to do it all in one day.” This was probably the last hurdle for Stef, as Lena saw it. There was no rule that said you had to like going down on a woman, but god that would make things easier for them in the bedroom.

Stef smirked, for incredibly she was still turned on, which was unbelievable after a full night of sex. “I want to Lena, trust me.” She’d read enough this week alone to know that this was probably the one thing she was most intrigued by. It seemed so primal. “I’m just gonna need some guidance… I think,” she added shyly.

“You’re a natural.” A born lesbian, Lena thought. Once more, she hurt at the thought of whatever had kept Stef from owning her truth. They kissed slowly, letting their desire build naturally. It didn’t take much for Lena, as she was on the edge before Stef had even suggested oral sex. This particular activity one of Lena’s weaknesses and if Stef proved to be as effective at it as she seemed to be other things, Lena was in trouble. She’d be forever at Stef’s command.

Stef took her time, not out of fear, but more from a need to enjoy the moment. She had been on this rollercoaster ride with Lena, but since she’d confessed her feelings, it had all been a thrilling downslope. It was all very exciting but also incredibly fast, and neither one of them wanted to put the brakes on. At least for this experience, Stef would do her best to suspend the freefall and float in the moment for a while.

She tried to imagine what this might be like without love. She was so deeply involved with Lena that there was no part of Lena that she didn’t automatically love. There had been so many discoveries in the last twenty-four hours. She knew more about Lena’s body than anyone in her life, ever. And she’d just gotten started.

In broad daylight, Lena had no problem spreading her legs for Stef. She wasn’t normally shy about sex, but something about being with Stef told her that she couldn’t show hesitation. Stef had already associated her sexuality with shame. Lena had to be careful and not encourage that.

Stef appreciated the gesture and took it in as a gift. Lena was a gift and she was freely giving herself over to Stef, who knew she didn’t deserve it. She’d hesitated and taken Lena for granted. She took Lena in, for the first time examining her carefully, intimately. Seeing her wet curls and folds, Stef could tell Lena was aroused. She smiled thinking, ‘I did that.’ She had the power to turn this woman on. She remembered Lena’s earlier soft touch and wondered if she could be so gentle. She was about to reach in with her fingers, but decided at the last minute to get closer. She could smell Lena’s desire now, an intimate scent Stef had never really been privy to before. It was a smell that she would forever associate with Lena. She kissed her thighs, letting her tongue taste the flesh and letting her mind become acquainted with the scents. It was a combination of Lena, her sweat, and her soap. She got closer and buried her nose right on Lena’s center. She knew instantly that this might be a fetish for her. The smell of Lena was driving her crazy. She wanted to memorize it, needing to be the only one who ever knew this feeling.

The second her nose touched Lena’s soft tight curls, Stef felt Lena’s warm wetness on her lips. She was incredibly wet and swollen. Stef wanted, no, needed to taste. She kissed Lena gently, an initial meeting of lips, a unique first kiss. As Stef pulled away from the brief contact, she licked her lips to finally taste Lena. She became aroused thinking this was the taste of Lena’s desire. Stef decided she needed more, she took a long lick. She was surprised that for the most part, Lena’s wetness didn’t have much taste. It was more about the texture. Slick, and slippery, it’s unique qualities would ease the friction she’d need to bring Lena to climax. Before Stef got too caught up in the details, she decided to just feel.

Using Lena as her guide, Stef let her tongue communicate her love. She lapped and sucked aimlessly for a while. She was becoming acquainted with Lena and with her desire. She began to find a rhythm and the spots that caused Lena to tense. Stef soon became addicted to Lena’s wetness and would dip into Lena for more, coating her, increasing her pleasure.

Lena meantime was lost in the sensation of being at the center of Stef’s attention. It was just as she feared, Stef was trouble. Stef was as present as Lena had ever felt her to be. Lena felt adored. Stef was intensely focused on her, and this feeling was intoxicating. Lena was swimming in pleasure and was torn between enjoying herself and letting herself fall into an orgasm. She was still a little mindful that this was Stef’s first time, so she began to tense and guide Stef with her moans towards her resolution. It wasn’t long before Lena felt her thighs tremble as her pleasure quickly built. Just as she was nearing the edge, Stef slowed down and pulled back. Instead of expressing her frustration, Lena assumed Stef wasn’t experienced enough to just help her over the edge. So, when once again, Stef’s gentle lapping was driving her to the edge, Lena decided to encourage her. “Just like that,” she moaned.

Stef heard Lena’s plea, but just like the last time, she wasn’t ready to take her mouth off Lena’s pussy. She slowed down again and this time a frustrated Lena did open her eyes and look at down at Stef. Seeing Stef between her legs, was almost enough to make her come. Stef placed Lena’s clit on the edge of her tongue. It was so hard, she decided to leave it alone for a while and concentrate on Lena’s engorged inner lips. Lena was open like a flower facing the sun, and Stef was going to shower her with attention. Lena was smooth, and her entrance continued to gift her with Lena’s sweet slick nectar. She wanted to lick and suck Lena all morning long, determined to keep her on the edge for a while.

Eventually, Lena caught on that Stef knew exactly what she was doing. She worried briefly that Stef might be getting tired, but decided to trust Stef. After all, she’d been doing just fine all night.

Each time, the cycle of takin Lena to the edge and bringing her back took less and less time. Currently, Stef watched as Lena’s breathing slowed. She was licking her entrance, doing nothing more than enjoying this ultimate intimacy. When she returned to Lena’s clit, she was surprised to find Lena at the precipice again. Instead of backing away, Stef decided to slowly, but firmly, lick her directly, and she felt Lena falling into her orgasm. As Lena moaned and began her climax, Stef took Lena’s clit in her mouth and sucked it softly and gently, giving Lena the most exquisite tumble into ecstasy. Lena groaned, feeling each wave of pleasure reverberating throughout her body.

Stef was overwhelmed with the experience. She felt powerful and deeply in love. Being there, with Lena’s most private place right in her mouth, she understood what intimacy was. This was what it was like to completely belong with someone. She wanted to make Lena happy, and she could tell Lena had enjoyed herself immensely. Stef made a vow in that moment to always do her best to make Lena happy, to be the one to give Lena joy. Nothing had ever felt so fulfilling as making Lena happy, and Stef would be happy to do that for the rest of her life.

Eventually, she felt Lena tugging at her, pulling her up to meet her. Stef reluctantly left her spot with one last taste. She rose up to meet Lena in a kiss. It was warm and sexy, and as unbelievable as it sounded, they both could feel the pull of desire again. Before things got too heated, Lena decided to slow them down.

She pulled away slowly, “I told you, you’d be a natural.”

“It’s all you, you are delicious, so sensual.” Stef continued trying to engage Lena, dying to continue to indulge in this new feeling.

Lena needed reassurance, “It was ok?”

Stef smiled, she knew exactly how this felt. “It was everything because you are everything.”

Lena winked, “Now, that you’ve eaten, I think we need some food.”

Stef could feel the flush of embarrassment. “Lena!”

This time, Lena laughed, “Seriously, we need some breakfast. Get out of this bed?”

Stef was about to pout when her stomach growled loudly.

 “See, I can already anticipate your needs. Come on, let’s have some naked breakfast,” Lena teased.

Stef hesitated, horrified at the thought of carrying out such a mundane task in the nude.

Lena slowed, assessing the situation and noticed Stef’s discomfort. Her suggestion was meant to be fun and if Stef wasn’t going to enjoy it, there was no point. “Ok, how about I get us some robes?”

Stef smiled, pleased that Lena was obviously taking her feelings into consideration. She nodded and decided not to dwell on her lack of courage.

After a quick trip to the bathroom, Lena handed Stef a silky Robe that seemed almost too small for Stef.  Lena reassured her it would fit and went downstairs, giving Stef some alone time, to do whatever she needed to do to feel more like herself this morning. Stef took the opportunity to brush her teeth and really look at herself in the mirror. The face that stared back at her was very much the same one as yesterday. Nothing had changed, yet everything had. She finally saw her truth and told the image staring back at her, “Stefanie Marie Foster eats pussy.” She’d come so far, she could not have pictured this moment a year ago. Lena had certainly been a shock to her system. She was the catalyst to Stef’s inevitable chain reaction. Her sexuality, long dormant had finally awakened. There was no part of last night that she hadn’t enjoyed. Sex was a revelation. She finally understood why people were obsessed with it.

Lena was trying not to freak out while she considered her cooking options. She hadn’t imagined things would be this right. They’d had moments of hesitation but mostly they were both on the same page, enjoying everything that was happening between them.  After last night, Lena was too excited to even cook breakfast. She had actually planned a meal but her energy was keeping her from fulfilling her plans. Lena didn’t know what to do with herself. Stef might be it. God, it was too soon, Lena knew it was too soon, but it felt so right. Stef was really gay and Lena could move on with her commitment. It was real. They were real. She was ready to put all her eggs in this one basket and considering what had happened to her in the past, Lena should heed the warning. Still, she couldn’t. She knew herself enough to know that she was more than ready to dive in. The time to slow down had come and gone. After the intimacy of last night, there would be no going back for Lena.

Lena looked around her kitchen and all she could picture were places to have sex in. Her thoughts lingered on the events of the previous evening. She became so immersed that she missed Stef come down the stairs. She looked fresh and beautiful. They smiled shyly at each other, knowingly. This was the smile of new lovers who weren’t quite used to their intimacy.

“Would you like to go out to breakfast?” Lena beamed, ready to show the world her love, and frankly, she couldn’t fathom cooking at this moment.

Stef’s face suddenly dropped. She didn’t know how to answer. She was feeling exposed and the only person she wanted to share that with was Lena. Facing the world, feeling so naked was overwhelming. “Uh…”

Lena shook her head, disappointed, “Never mind, I just…” The silence hung, both unsure how to proceed.

Stef wanted to suddenly run. She wasn’t sure she was ready to admit to every feeling coursing through her, not sure she herself could identify the feelings. “I want to go out, I’m just…”

Lena stopped her, “No, I understand. You’re not really out yet.”

Stef stepped in and held Lena’s hands, finally aware of the flimsy robes that separated them. “No, that’s not it. I am not used to this.”

Lena nodded, lesbian sex. Stef was finally overwhelmed. She wasn’t disappointed in Stef, she was disappointed in herself. Lena had gotten carried away. She should have known better.

Stef dipped down, trying to catch Lena’s downturned gaze. When she finally managed eye contact, she wasn’t sure they were on the same page. “I feel like everyone will be able to see what’s in my soul.”

Lena tilted her head confused. The word soul didn’t really match what she had been thinking: that Stef was afraid people could see she was having sex with a woman.

Following Lena’s puzzlement, Stef continued. “I haven’t been in love. I mean, I was married but I didn’t love him. No one has seen this Lena.” Stef had always been the tough one. In every situation, she was the one that got right back up if injured in basketball. She wasn’t the one that complained about the bruises she got in particularly harsh arrest. She was a woman in a man’s world. She couldn’t afford feelings. And she was a gay woman trying to live in a straight world. She couldn’t afford feelings. With Lena, there were times when she felt like nothing but an open wound, bleeding out feelings. She felt raw, exposed. “I have never been happier, and I have never needed, loved or wanted anything as much as you, today. And…”

When tears leaked out, Lena understood a bit of what Stef was talking about. And she felt an overwhelming joy envelop her. Stef felt it too. They were in it together. She took Stef in her arms and shushed her, “My love, shh… don’t worry. No one has to see my tough cop this way. Ok?”

Stef smiled and nodded.

“We’ll stay here, I’ll make you something. I’ll figure it out.” She took Stef’s hand, unwilling to lose contact as she made her way to the fridge.

Stef followed, relieved that the intense emotional moment was gone for now. “How about we make something together? We have done that before.”

Lena stopped, faced Stef again. “Yes, we have. I love you.”

“I love you too Lena.” Stef wanted nothing more than to drown in these feelings that threatened to choke her.

By the time they actually ate, they’d spent the entire morning, cooking and making love in the kitchen.

Stef had been reluctant to look at the clock because she knew what would happen the second she looked at it. She would remember the exact time she had to pick up Brandon. She was a mom first and she could never forget that. Being a woman, that was new. Stef wasn’t sure how to be a woman in love, but she thought she did a great job of it today. She had never felt so free, so carefree, so deeply in her heart and in her body.

Still, Stef knew she had to face her life, and so she did, finally looking at the time. As she feared, the time had come. They were nude on the couch, another first for Stef.

Lena was between her legs, caressing her body, lingering on her most private parts, relishing the intimacy. She was memorizing every curve, every scar. She sensed the change in Stef, the worry was coming off her in waves.

Stef spoke softly, “I wish I could stay here all day and night.”

“You should,” Lena blurted. She wasn’t ready to let her girlfriend go. She wasn’t ready for this day to end. Surely Sharon could watch Brandon for a while longer.

“I can’t.” Of this, Stef was certain. She could not start this life by being unreliable to Brandon or Lena. “I told Brandon I’d be home this afternoon and that’s what I have to do.”

Lena nodded, fully understanding that Stef, the mom, needed to do that. Lena cared for Brandon but had never had children depend on her during her off hours. Her responsibilities at school ended when she got home. It was unrealistic to ask the same of Stef. Being a parent wasn’t a job. Still, for Lena, the woman, this type of rejection was new and painful. Stef had other equal or more important priorities. Lena had tried dating a doctor once. She had found the nature of that job to be unbearable. She loved nothing more than this, being in her lover’s arms, together, where all their focus was on one another. Feeling Stef begin to pull away was like a huge emotional Band-Aid being slowly and painfully peeled off.

Instead of speaking her frustration, Lena just sighed.

“Baby,” Stef pulled Lena up into her arms. “I’ll be back. You have me. And we’ll have this for the rest our lives.” Stef was made a sober proclamation, “I promise.” She added, “Brandon’s had so many disappointments and changes, it’s important that I keep my word.”

Lena finally gave in, “I understand, but you can’t blame for not wanting the best day of my life to end.”

Stef was incredulous, “Best day of your life?”

Lena turned in Stef’s arms and kissed her with everything she had. Yes, it had been the best day of her life. Before yesterday, the best day of her life had been when Stef had finally made a commitment to them and fully confessed her feelings. Lena had a feeling that her life with Stef would be filled with increasingly better days. Today, it was true, it had been. “Best ever,” she whispered between kisses.


End file.
